National Treasure - 5 Tubs

Clues to the lost treasure and a global conspiracy were first spotted outside Auditorium 1 where a pile of spilled popcorn led me to believe the perpetrator walked with a limp, possibly from jumping from some height while trying to escape authorities. The trail led beyond the door, up the ramp, only to be lost among a veritable sea of popcorn, sodas, candy wrappers and courtesy cups. I searched from one end of the auditorium to the other, discovering a French Connection in the form of a Bojangles French fry bag, it’s greasy contents scattered beneath a seat, which upon raising I found a wad of chewing gum wrapped in some sort of parchment, which when lit by my UV flashlight revealed a secret code that I'm going to work on the first day I have off from work.

Alas, the sheer destruction resulting from a ‘family film’ made it impossible to locate the guilty culprit. I must admit that I entertained the idea of assassinating those who had left yet another mess on the heels of Alvin & The Chipmunks which had released at the same time from Auditorium 6. There were several items of contraband, in addition to the French fries – a large bottle of hot sauce and the empty popcorn tub drenched in a greasy orange slime; two rows down, my broom pushed an empty fifth of vodka – supposedly the drink of choice among alcoholic movie fans. Under the front row seats were plastic food trays from a nearby French restaurant. I became more convinced that the person(s) I sought were European, or possibly Russian, or Spanish, or from UNC Chapel Hill.

I did find a treasure of sorts: three quarters, four dimes, four pennies, and two nickels – enough to buy a quart of gas so I could get home and rest my aching feet. I’ll continue to search for my treasure in the darkest recesses of theater auditoriums. This is money that I use to buy lottery tickets from the nearby convenience store. Someday I’ll be able to quit cleaning up behind pigs and produce my own movie about how a middle aged man working two jobs finds love over the Internet, they meet and enjoy PG-rated sex, get married (in that order), and raise a bunch of kids and teach them how to pick up after themselves, be responsible, and vote conservative. Kevin Costner will win an Oscar for best actor for his role in my film. It will be a blockbuster – and there will be a vignette at the end where Morgan Freeman, staring in his familiar role as God, tells the viewers to take their damn trash with them when they exit the theater. In the meantime, I've got to figure out how to remove that gum from inside my pants pocket without tearing the parchment in which it was hidden.