The Trash Dumpster - A Portal To Hell

The waste management specialists (trash collectors) empty our four dumpsters three times a week. In spite of this, we’re often forced to stack bags of trash along the sides and behind the dumpsters because moviegoers create more trash than four dumpsters can handle. Multiply these twelve overflowing containers per week times 52 weeks, and our one theater is dumping over a million pounds of popcorn, soda, and paper into the local landfill every year. There are probably a dozen other theaters in the area doing the same thing. No wonder the dump has a flock of sea gulls hovering over it all the time – although I understand that the oil we cook the popcorn in is toxic to birds.

Ushers use two large wheeled containers, called banana boats, to remove trash from the theater between each showing. The trash bags leak like a sieve. I’m going to try to remember to look at the manufacturer and post it here so you won’t waste your money on their defective products – just another invaluable service provided you by the Dirty Movie Critic.

The dumpster doors are at chest height, thus when you lift a bag of trash (sometimes it takes two ushers if the bag contains a lot of soda cups), the bottom of the bag aims a stream of soda directly at the bottom button on our polo shirt, so thoughtfully provided by theater management. We ought to be issued HAZMAT suits and face shields. As bad as loading the dumpsters is, cleaning up the mess left by the dump trucks is a task those who work the day shift really hate. We have no shovels, only a tiny broom and a cheap plastic dustpan to scoop up the refuse that falls over the sides of the truck. Yesterday there was a huge pile of unpopped corn kernels in front of the dumpster. Since they’re cooked in oil, stepping over the slippery mess was like trying to walk on marbles. But that was only the beginning. The driver doesn’t always put the bins back in the exact same spot, and underneath these dumpsters reside a writhing mass of maggots, cockroaches, and fire ants. The stench is awful, because like our trash containers inside the theater, these bins are never washed out (we’re considering renegotiating our contract with our janitorial service because the theater is beginning to smell like the dumpsters.) The theater does not provide water hoses so that the ushers can clean them either.

In warmer weather, ushers must carefully approach the dumpsters so that we don’t upset the bees and wasps swarming around the sweet, buttery slop inside. Opening a dumpster door is a scary thing because you never know what will fly out and sting you in the face. Any sudden movement, such as swinging a heavy trash bag up and into the dumpster is bound to piss off any insects caught underneath. They talk to one another before suffocating beneath the stinking trash and the next time the usher comes out with a load of trash, a swarm of angry bees dive-bombs the unsuspecting, helpless, underpaid human, exacting revenge for the accidental slaying of their relatives. After a couple such attacks, most ushers refuse to bring the trash any closer than the walls around the dumpster; and feral cats, opossums, and raccoons tear into the cheap bags and leave an even bigger mess until management succumbs to pressure and purchases insect foggers that work just long enough to get most of the mess cleaned up.

On any given summer night, one can follow a trail of ants along the walls of the theater, out the side entrance and along the curb to discover a family reunion numbering in the millions around the dumpsters. Ushers have petitioned management to smuggle into the country several hundred anteaters. We could chain one in each trash bin in each auditorium, another in the syrup room, another in the supply room where the chocolate candy is kept, and a dozen or so around the dumpster. Then we’d keep a couple dozen in reserve when those on the front line are overcome or have eaten so much they can’t scarf down another ant. With a careful rotation schedule and some R&R watching movies like Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Water Horse, we ought to be able to control our pest problem until cold weather arrives to help out.

One other thing about the dumpster. There is a ramp next to the dumpster, down which we roll our large containers of trash. It’s also a parking space, but I would advise you not to use it, as sometimes our carts are so heavy they slam into the vehicle blocking our exit. There’s also a chance that your vehicle will roll through the slime left by countless cart loads of trash and it will attract some of our insect friends to explore your vehicle. Don’t park in our exit ramp, or we’re not responsible for any damages should you ignore this warning!