Contrary to popular opinion, a theater usher is not there to find you, and your party of fourteen, seats together; nor are we there to open the door for you because your arms are filled with a large tub of popcorn, a 64 oz soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. Our responsibilities are far more important. Our primary job is to clean up after pigs disguised as movie-goers.
The purpose of this blog is to provide you with an insight into show business you won't find elsewhere: the dark and dirty secrets of how the movie industry seduces you into spending your hard earned money on filthy entertainment. At the same time, I will rate new releases, not on the quality of acting or cinematography - but on how dirty the theater is when you leave it.
DISCLAIMER: Neither the management of the theater at which I am employed, nor it's parent corporation, the studios, vendors, nor fellow employees are aware of, agree with, or condone in any way the views and opinions expressed within. In order to protect my job, I will not share my real name nor the theater name or location, other than to say that we are located in or near the cities of Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Any comparisons to peoples living elsewhere are not intended, nor should they be construed as to say that people from your area are better or worse than those who view movies at the theater I work at.
FURTHER DISCLAIMER: Since we live in a world where people are easily offended, I feel it necessary to add that my views and opinions are based on personal experience spanning more than 50 years of being both a consumer and an employee in the movie business. If I say anything to offend you, get over it. I'm only earning $6.50 an hour and I can't seem to get more than 20 hours of work any given week. If I had money, I wouldn't be cleaning up after you pigs.
Anyway, before I begin to rate the current releases, let me take this time to share the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance. Ever since Charleton Heston smashed the tablets containing the 10 commandments after finding his people worshipping a golden image of the Chic-fil-a mascot, theater employees have been demanding from God a set of laws concerning how theater-goers are to conduct themselves while in our places of employment.
- Thou Shalt Take Your Trash With You When You Exit The Auditorium. Rule #1 is that whatever you bring into the theater with you needs to go with you when you leave. We provide you with at least one trash container, usually found near the door where you entered the auditorium. In some occasions, ushers will provide a mobile trash container at the foot of the steps. Use them. Just because you paid $9-12 for a ticket doesn't give you the right to expect bus service. If you're going to leave a mess, at least leave a tip - $1.00 minimum per cup holder. If you drop personal belongings - don't expect to recover any cash. We'll give you back the cell phones, umbrellas and jewelry, but any cash found is considered a tip even though it won't be reported as such to the IRS. (Actually the janitorial service that cleans the theaters after hours finds most of your money, so don't blame the ushers!)
- Thou Shalt Not Complain About How Long the Box Office and Concession Lines Are. Here's an original thought - come early. You have to come two hours early to catch an airplane, what's wrong with arriving 20 minutes before your show starts. Another thing - relax. There are usually 12-13 minutes of paid commercials and pre-views before the movie you paid to see starts. Stop your bitching.
- Thou Shalt Not Bring Contraband Into the Theater. You cheap asshole! Sure our concessions are over-priced, but that's because the theater has to hire us to clean up after you. Don't bring your microwave popcorn, canned sodas, dinner leftovers, beer cans, vodka bottles, and chicken bones into our theater. And if you do manage to sneak it past us, at least have respect for us ushers to take the trash with you and drop them in the containers the theater provides for paying customers.
- Thou Shalt Not Leave Your Spit Cups For Ushers to Clean Up. This commandment is like unto the previous: If you consume tobacco products between your cheek and gums, don't use our cups to spit in and then leave your filthy, stinking expectorant for us to have to touch. How do women kiss guys who use smokeless tobacco? It stinks, it's disgusting, and it's toxic. If you're addicted to that fecal matter, wait until you leave to use it. I hope you swallow and choke on that shit!
- Thou Shalt Not Complain About Dirty Bathrooms. Who do you think messed them up to begin with? Women are the worst. I think you're afraid to sit where another woman has rested her fat but-tocks, so you squat and your aim sucks. Toilet paper goes in the toilet. If it doesn't flush when your behind stands up - push the little button behind the toilet so the next guest (or poor usher who has to clean the restrooms) doesn't have to look at the present you left them. Guys - stand closer to the urinal. The reason the bathrooms smell so bad is because there's more piss on the floor than down the drain. Besides, ushers are so busy cleaning 16-20 screens that we don't have time to keep the bathroom clean. Go before you come!
- Thou Shalt Not Talk During the Movie. No one likes those loud obnoxious people who have no inside voice. When you pay $9-12 for a movie ticket, you want to be able to hear what's being played over those 500 watt surround sound speakers. Turn off your cell phones! You are not that important - and if you're needed that badly you shouldn't be wasting time watching a movie. Here's a helpful hint: Ushers look for people using cell phones and if your cell phone is a camera phone, it can be confiscated it theater employees suspect you're taking shots or video of the movie. That's called piracy - which is covered in the seventh commandment.
- Thou Shalt Not Pirate Movies. Although I support capitalism, stealing movies by videotaping new releases is a felony. When you see an usher walk into the theater during the movie, we're not only there to count the number of patrons and record the count on the sheet by the emergency exit, we're looking for people who are using video cameras, cell phones or other recording devices. If we see you, we won't be the ones approaching you. We call the cops, point you out, and you're out more than the cost of the movie ticket. We're trained to spot pirateers, so don't make us be the bad guy simply because you're a dirtbag.
- Thou Shalt Not Enter an Auditorium While It Is Being Cleaned. So you're one of the smart few who arrived early; if you enter an auditorium and you see the ushers are still cleaning the theater, go back outside until you see us exit with all the trash left by the previous movie-goers. They're the ones who make you wait for a seat. If they'd taken their trash with them rather than left it in, under, and behind the seats, we'd be done and you could park your butt in the seat of your choice before all the late-comers get there. Above all, don't stand to the side and watch us clean. Grab a damn broom and dustpan and help if you're that anxious to get a seat.
- Thou Shalt Purchase Only What You Will Consume. Our concessionaires are trained to up-sell concessions; but you don't need to buy the large tub of popcorn just because it's only twenty-five cents more and you get free refills. Very few people get refills, and the majority that do come back for refills are the clumsy jerks who spilled half of the popcorn stumbling up the stairs. Same goes for a large drink - you don't know how many times we find tubs of popcorn and drinks barely touched when we clean up behind the lazy bastards that left them in the seats. Concessions are already over-priced, don't pay for more than you're going to consume. Our managers appreciate the bonus you earned them, but the ushers hate you for it.
- Thou Shalt Not Watch Every Last Credit Once the Movie Has Ended. Some people sit until every credit has played before getting up and leaving. Meanwhile, the poor ushers are standing to the side, stressing out over the other three movies that let out at the same time this one did and knowing that they've only got 20 minutes to clean four auditoriums before the next feature starts. You don't need to know who catered the Russian location portion during the production of this film or who rewound the tape for the editors. The credits are there for one purpose as far as we ushers are concerned: to give you time to get the hell out so we can clean the theater. Inevitably, one or two will stay and watch all the credits and we'll end up so far behind that the next group of viewers get ticked off because they can't get a seat because the ushers are still cleaning the theater of mountains of waste sold to people who's wallets were bigger than they bellies.
Enjoy the movies - but remember the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance.
