I knew I was in for a rough evening when I saw the radio station van parked out in front of the theater Wednesday night. We were showing a sneak preview to First Sunday, a comedy about robbing a church - not that robbing God is something new (we do it every Sunday when the offering plate is passed and we have decided we need the money more than He does), but some folks just think it's funny.
The line began about 5:30 in the afternoon; the movie didn't start until 7:30. By 6 PM the lobby was full of people trying to exchange their invites for tickets. We had to usher them outside and along the walk way to make room for the paying customers. The studio sponsoring the sneak preview wasn't very organized and seemed more concerned with security than with seating the viewers they'd begged to show up.
The second indication that all would not go smoothly last night were the abundance of MacDonald's bags and sodas carried in one arm while the other was occupied by an infant or a squirming toddler. We had nothing to do with the premier as the studio had paid for the space, but I knew there would be a mess to clean up besides popcorn, sodas, and spilled courtesy cups of butter and salt.
Then 'She' walked in. The meanest looking black woman I've ever seen. She was short, average build, wearing a blue jeans jacket, a scowl on her face, and toting an empty popcorn tub. This woman has never cracked a smile in her entire life. She looked like a hardened criminal (probably was). Ignoring the line of other impatient black attendees, She strode straight to the concession stand and shoved her popcorn tub, bent and battered from countless previous visits, at the concessionaire, who obediently filled the bucket and set it down gently before the woman.
You need to understand something about that "Free Refills" policy on large popcorn and sodas. They don't entitle you to unlimited free refills, or unlimited free refills on the date of purchase. The free refill means you get one free refill if you gorge yourself on the first two gallons of popcorn. What we're supposed to do, but apparently no one had the courage to do so far, was to mark the bottom of the tub with an "X" so that the next time that bucket is presented we know they've already had their one-time refill. You would think the criminal would have been satisfied to take advantage once again, but believe it or not, before the movie started, before she even got inside to get a seat, the bucket was empty and she got out of line and marched right back to the concession stand where they meekly refilled the bucket again. Seems she was sharing her popcorn while standing in line, although one look at that convicted murderer's face should have frightened away the most determined moocher. She returned once more as she exited the movie, still toting that beaten and dirty popcorn bucket.
Perhaps that's why I was in no mood when six hoodlums stalked right past me later in the night and started ordering concessions. I went over and asked for their tickets and each pointed at the other. Finally, the biggest one, 6'5" of slick con man said, "We gave them to the concessionist." "Where's your stubs?" I asked. "Man! You saw us walk in here. Why you hasslin us?" "Because I'm not about to let you stay here and lose my job." I retorted. "I told you we gave ya'll tikkits." Giantman said. "And I'm telling you that we will not start the projector in that auditorium until the cops get here to escort you off the property." I told him. (We couldn't have held up a movie if tickets were sold but he didn't know this.) He went over to where the others were sitting on the bench munching on popcorn paid for with money they'd probably stolen on the way to the theater, and told them what I said. They stared at me, but I didn't care. They were bullies and con artists and they thought I was stupid or afraid, but I didn't act the way they thought so they left. I did check the parking lot before walking to my car, you never know with thugs.
But back to the movie, "First Sunday"..... there were over 100 people who had invites that could not get a seat, but do you think the studio would have gone out and told them they were running out? Nope. They just let them stand for an hour in line expecting to get in. When the first who would be turned away started complaining, the studio realized they had better do something if they wanted to escape with their lives so they offered a free pass to a future movie to all who would stay and sign up for them. There were some pissed off people leaving that theater, and some of them stopped by the radio station van to complain - even though the invite clearly read, "Seating capacity limited. Arrive early to receive your ticket. Invitations exceed available seats." Few of the movie goers read that disclaimer and I was unfortunate enough to be at the front door where they were being turned away.
Because the theater was sold out, most of the movie goers gave up on concessions in order to protect their seat. Maybe 50 people came out of the theater to buy snacks. Jesus must have been present however, as when I went to check the theater after everyone had left, I found both trash containers overflowing and popcorn bags and drinks in almost every seat. Someone had multiplied the junk food and fed the famished movie goers while they watched God get ripped off and laughed about it. It may have been that 'White Jesus" who's picture hung on the church office wall and frightened one of the thieves. If Jesus was in there, He must have exited the back way because I didn't see Him enter or leave.
I'm taking my camera to work with me Saturday night so I can post some pictures for you of how human pigs leave theaters for poor, honest, hard-working ushers like me to clean. I predict that First Sunday will be a 5-Tub mess. That's as high as I can go. Pray for me when I have to go into the lion's den this weekend and clean this sewer.
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Followup: As suspected, this movie was sold out most shows over the weekend. In fact, while doing a theater check I noticed that a young couple, unable to find seats together, had chosen to sit on the aisle floor so that they could be together. They were kind of cute there, but the GM said that it was a fire hazard and I had to ask them to move.
If I could award more than 5 tubs to this movie I would. It was filthy. From the six pack of beers on the top row to the Wendy's and MacDonald's wrappers on the second row, and every row - almost every seat - covered in crushed popcorn, salt and butter. Most frustrating was the amount of popcorn on the carpeted steps. It's not easy to sweep popcorn from the carpet so listen up all you God-robbing, gospel singing, cheap and irresponsible pigs - if you can't get that fist full of popcorn into your mouth all at once, eat from the tub like a horse. You won't spill as much even if you do look stupid gobbling up that popcorn.
For whatever reason, maybe it's a regional thing, but African-American movie goers in this area simply refuse to take their trash with them. Of course there are exceptions - but they are few and far between. Four bags of trash, five ushers, forty minutes to clean one theater on Saturday afternoon. That's ridiculous. We had to delay the start of the next movie and listen to the next batch of people complain about having to stand so long. Most had spilled their popcorn in the lobby while waiting. Thank you for making movie going unpleasant for both our guests and our employees. While you're singing along with the gospel music, listen to the words. Ask Jesus to forgive you for your slovenly and gluttonous ways. And put some money in that offering plate the next time it passes before you. The church needs it to hire people to clean up after your nasty ass.
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