Wall.E - 5 Tubs

When someone says to me, "I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?" I'll always say, "Give me the bad news first." I like happy endings. So let me start this review by giving you the bad news first.

Wall.E is a story about an Earth that has been destroyed by humans who have all left to live on a space platform, leaving behind a single robot to clean it up before the humans can return. Wall.E (short for Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth class) goes around and sweeps up all the trash and debris and stores it in huge landfills. Useful items he warehouses for later use. Basically, Wall.E assumes the stewardship of the Earth that God created man to perform. The bad news is that the brats and sperm and egg donors who created them didn't learn anything from watching the movie. They treated my theater the way the humans treated the Earth. Like Wall.E, I clean up behind human pigs disguised as movie goers. Unlike Wall.E who does his job without complaining, I take upon myself the huge burden of being the conscience of humankind. Despite many claims to the contrary, I've found that most movie goers are not only slovenly, they're liars too. Everyone I've met says that they always take their trash with them: blacks, whites, Asians, maybe Hispanics - I can't tell because they don't speak English. But somebody is leaving the mountains of trash I have to haul out of the theater after every showing. So, as your conscience, stop lying, stop sneaking in outside food and drink because you're cheap and dishonest, and take your stinking trash to the trash receptacles located by the door through which you entered the auditorium.

Now on to the good news. Wall.E is a movie about relationships. Despite being a robot, Wall.E develops a character and personality. He's lonely, inquisitive, nostalgic, romantic. His only companion is a cockroach; one of those creations we wish God had left off the Ark. When another robot lands unexpectedly on Earth, Wall.E falls in love at first sight. Her name is, appropriately, Eve; and Eve at first plays hard to get. Wall.E tries to win the other robot's attention by showing off all the treasures he's salvaged. One of those treasures is a small plant that Wall.E has saved and nurtured in an old boot. When Eve accepts the plant, her systems appear to shut down and Wall.E begins to think that he's the reason she's taken ill. Wall.E uses umbrellas and trash cans to protect Eve from the elements. He puts her in the front of his cart as he paddles through the muck and mire, trying to show show her the grandeur of what used to be. He dresses her with lights at Christmas and sits by her side pining away, longing for the chance to hold her hand.

When a spaceship arrives and loads Eve into the ship, Wall.E rushes to be with her. Unable to get onboard before blast off, Wall.E clings to the outside of the ship, refusing to let go despite being pelted by satellites and other space debris floating in Earth's orbit. Once beyond our gravitational pull, Wall.E marvels at the beauty of Creation in the cosmos. And when the ship arrives at the space station, occupied by obese, spoiled humans, who are pampered and taken care of by armies of robots, Wall.E follows Eve to protect her and to be with her. When Eve is thought to be defective and sent to robot rehab, Wall.E follows and meets other rejects and in his own humanity shows them that they are each special and that they have something to contribute still. This is a movie about selflessness, friendship and love and going to the ends of the universe to be with the person you care about. It's what being human is all about...but we've somehow forgotten as we've learned to put ourselves first rather than others and this beautiful planet we've been given to take care of.

Is there a happy ending? Will the humans get back to Earth and do a better job taking care of her than they did in the beginning? You'll have to watch the movie to find out. And while you're at it, how about having some respect for yourself by not buying more than you can consume; and respect for the ushers who clean up after you by disposing of your trash when you leave the movie?