Dirty Movie Critic

I work in the movie business. I am a Theater Usher.

Contrary to popular opinion, a theater usher is not there to find you, and your party of fourteen, seats together; nor are we there to open the door for you because your arms are filled with a large tub of popcorn, a 64 oz soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. Our responsibilities are far more important. Our primary job is to clean up after pigs disguised as movie-goers.

The purpose of this blog is to provide you with an insight into show business you won't find elsewhere: the dark and dirty secrets of how the movie industry seduces you into spending your hard earned money on filthy entertainment. At the same time, I will rate new releases, not on the quality of acting or cinematography - but on how dirty the theater is when you leave it.

DISCLAIMER: Neither the management of the theater at which I am employed, nor it's parent corporation, the studios, vendors, nor fellow employees are aware of, agree with, or condone in any way the views and opinions expressed within. In order to protect my job, I will not share my real name nor the theater name or location, other than to say that we are located in or near the cities of Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Any comparisons to peoples living elsewhere are not intended, nor should they be construed as to say that people from your area are better or worse than those who view movies at the theater I work at.

FURTHER DISCLAIMER: Since we live in a world where people are easily offended, I feel it necessary to add that my views and opinions are based on personal experience spanning more than 50 years of being both a consumer and an employee in the movie business. If I say anything to offend you, get over it. I'm only earning $6.50 an hour and I can't seem to get more than 20 hours of work any given week. If I had money, I wouldn't be cleaning up after you pigs.

Anyway, before I begin to rate the current releases, let me take this time to share the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance. Ever since Charleton Heston smashed the tablets containing the 10 commandments after finding his people worshipping a golden image of the Chic-fil-a mascot, theater employees have been demanding from God a set of laws concerning how theater-goers are to conduct themselves while in our places of employment.

1. Thou Shalt Take Your Trash With You When You Exit The Auditorium. Rule #1 is that whatever you bring into the theater with you needs to go with you when you leave. We provide you with at least one trash container, usually found near the door where you entered the auditorium. In some occasions, ushers will provide a mobile trash container at the foot of the steps. Use them. Just because you paid $9-12 for a ticket doesn't give you the right to expect bus service. If you're going to leave a mess, at least leave a tip - $1.00 minimum per cup holder. If you drop personal belongings - don't expect to recover any cash. We'll give you back the cell phones, umbrellas and jewelry, but any cash found is considered a tip even though it won't be reported as such to the IRS. (Actually the janitorial service that cleans the theaters after hours finds most of your money, so don't blame the ushers!)
2. Thou Shalt Not Complain About How Long the Box Office and Concession Lines Are. Here's an original thought - come early. You have to come two hours early to catch an airplane, what's wrong with arriving 20 minutes before your show starts. Another thing - relax. There are usually 12-13 minutes of paid commercials and pre-views before the movie you paid to see starts. Stop your bitching.
3. Thou Shalt Not Bring Contraband Into the Theater. You cheap asshole! Sure our concessions are over-priced, but that's because the theater has to hire us to clean up after you. Don't bring your microwave popcorn, canned sodas, dinner leftovers, beer cans, vodka bottles, and chicken bones into our theater. And if you do manage to sneak it past us, at least have respect for us ushers to take the trash with you and drop them in the containers the theater provides for paying customers.
4. Thou Shalt Not Leave Your Spit Cups For Ushers to Clean Up. This commandment is like unto the previous: If you consume tobacco products between your cheek and gums, don't use our cups to spit in and then leave your filthy, stinking expectorant for us to have to touch. How do women kiss guys who use smokeless tobacco? It stinks, it's disgusting, and it's toxic. If you're addicted to that fecal matter, wait until you leave to use it. I hope you swallow and choke on that shit!
5. Thou Shalt Not Complain About Dirty Bathrooms. Who do you think messed them up to begin with? Women are the worst. I think you're afraid to sit where another woman has rested her fat but-tocks, so you squat and your aim sucks. Toilet paper goes in the toilet. If it doesn't flush when your behind stands up - push the little button behind the toilet so the next guest (or poor usher who has to clean the restrooms) doesn't have to look at the present you left them. Guys - stand closer to the urinal. The reason the bathrooms smell so bad is because there's more piss on the floor than down the drain. Besides, ushers are so busy cleaning 16-20 screens that we don't have time to keep the bathroom clean. Go before you come!
6. Thou Shalt Not Talk During the Movie. No one likes those loud obnoxious people who have no inside voice. When you pay $9-12 for a movie ticket, you want to be able to hear what's being played over those 500 watt surround sound speakers. Turn off your cell phones! You are not that important - and if you're needed that badly you shouldn't be wasting time watching a movie. Here's a helpful hint: Ushers look for people using cell phones and if your cell phone is a camera phone, it can be confiscated it theater employees suspect you're taking shots or video of the movie. That's called piracy - which is covered in the seventh commandment.
7. Thou Shalt Not Pirate Movies. Although I support capitalism, stealing movies by videotaping new releases is a felony. When you see an usher walk into the theater during the movie, we're not only there to count the number of patrons and record the count on the sheet by the emergency exit, we're looking for people who are using video cameras, cell phones or other recording devices. If we see you, we won't be the ones approaching you. We call the cops, point you out, and you're out more than the cost of the movie ticket. We're trained to spot pirateers, so don't make us be the bad guy simply because you're a dirtbag.
8. Thou Shalt Not Enter an Auditorium While It Is Being Cleaned. So you're one of the smart few who arrived early; if you enter an auditorium and you see the ushers are still cleaning the theater, go back outside until you see us exit with all the trash left by the previous movie-goers. They're the ones who make you wait for a seat. If they'd taken their trash with them rather than left it in, under, and behind the seats, we'd be done and you could park your butt in the seat of your choice before all the late-comers get there. Above all, don't stand to the side and watch us clean. Grab a damn broom and dustpan and help if you're that anxious to get a seat.
9. Thou Shalt Purchase Only What You Will Consume. Our concessionaires are trained to up-sell concessions; but you don't need to buy the large tub of popcorn just because it's only twenty-five cents more and you get free refills. Very few people get refills, and the majority that do come back for refills are the clumsy jerks who spilled half of the popcorn stumbling up the stairs. Same goes for a large drink - you don't know how many times we find tubs of popcorn and drinks barely touched when we clean up behind the lazy bastards that left them in the seats. Concessions are already over-priced, don't pay for more than you're going to consume. Our managers appreciate the bonus you earned them, but the ushers hate you for it.
10. Thou Shalt Not Watch Every Last Credit Once the Movie Has Ended. Some people sit until every credit has played before getting up and leaving. Meanwhile, the poor ushers are standing to the side, stressing out over the other three movies that let out at the same time this one did and knowing that they've only got 20 minutes to clean four auditoriums before the next feature starts. You don't need to know who catered the Russian location portion during the production of this film or who rewound the tape for the editors. The credits are there for one purpose as far as we ushers are concerned: to give you time to get the hell out so we can clean the theater. Inevitably, one or two will stay and watch all the credits and we'll end up so far behind that the next group of viewers get ticked off because they can't get a seat because the ushers are still cleaning the theater of mountains of waste sold to people who's wallets were bigger than they bellies.

Enjoy the movies - but remember the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance.

The Watchmen

I come to you today as a civilian, no longer employed by the theater industry - whew, what a relief! I thank God that I wasn't working when Madea Goes to Jail came to my theater.

My daughter and I went to see The Watchmen the other night. She spent half of the movie covering my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at the naked blue guy's penis. Some things are better left to the imagination. She liked Dr. Manhattan; I liked the Commedian; we both liked Rorschach. Again, I could have done without the sex scenes, but it was a pretty good movie.

I noticed some improvements in the theater since my departure. First, the bathrooms no longer smelled like urine. The floors were actually clean; it looked like the custodial service had been changed and the new guys actually know how to clean tile floors. There were also paper towels in the bathrooms to supplement the blow dryers.

A new guy, about my age but with a much larger gut, was pushing a cart of popcorn, trying to drum up concession sales before the movies started. There were no takers as far as I could determine. Patrons suspect pre-bagged popcorn as being older than the stuff in the machine; and they'd have to go back out to the lobby to add butter and purchase seasoned salt if they wanted it. Not such a wise move on management's part. The guy should have been hawking candy bars...but I'm not the manager.

The display posters that used to sit down the hallways between auditoriums are now stacked on the upper display racks in the lobby. Good use of space - and again, I'm glad I'm not working because I hate heights.

The employees were all polite and efficient, even if the concession lines were slow. That's the nature of concessions. It was expensive, although I did get a military discount for myself and the student discount for my daughter. I used my Regal Crown Club card and had enough points to get a small popcorn, which I upgraded to a medium for 50 cents. Not bad - I saved $4.50 by using my card and $4.00 off ticket prices. Can't do it every movie, but $8.50 comes in good in this economy.

It was nice leaving the theater at the end of our movie rather than after midnight. My feet didn't hurt from standing all night and the movie was pretty good. I'm looking forward to The Watchmen coming out on DVD. Don't know if there needs to be a sequel. Some movies, like Rambo, are better told once.

I don't get to go to as many movies as I used to now that I have to pay for them. I've learned to be satisfied sitting home watching 24, American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, Friday Night Lights, and Glenn Beck.

Therefore, I guess it's time to put this blog to rest. Thank you for listening to my whining; and please, please remember the Ten Commandments of Theater Attendance - found on the opening page.

Dirty Movie Critic - out!

Now A Former Theater Usher!

Back in October I turned in my broom and dustpan, shook the hand of the General Manager who was leaving the same time I was, and didn't look back. Some things were changing, some things never will. New management was on the way in with fresh ideas and old employees were on their way out, some to school, others to better paying jobs and me to a new wife.

I've been back to the theater twice since leaving. The bathrooms are just as dirty - but ushers no longer have to sign a sheet saying it was cleaned; nor do they have to sign an auditorium check sheet, they only have to stand at the front of the auditorium so you can see they're checking. The clocks have been removed - pretty stupid. The idea was that the employees were watching the clock too much, but we needed those clocks so we'd know when it was time to clean the next theater. Now ushers have to use their cell phones, which the management has forbidden on the floor. No one wears a watch anymore.

The combination to the doors have been changed, but the employees told me the new code - hoping I'll come back and shoot the breeze and complain about having to work for $6.50 an hour. But I'm not going back. I'm having too much fun going home to my wife after working my real job. We cook meals together, clean the house together, watch TV together, and do things together that are more fun than doing them alone.

I've seen "Australia" and "Quantum of Solace" as a paying customer. The movies were good, but the same customers are leaving their trash behind. Some things won't ever change.

This is the busy season for the theater. A year ago, I worked nine hours without a break, standing at the front door tearing tickets and greeting customers with "Merry Christmas". Then I went home and prepared a TV dinner. This year I'll be with my wife at her folks' house in Nebraska. Maybe there will be snow for Christmas! Perhaps I'll pause and reflect on my former co-workers who're making a whole $9.75 an hour for working on Christmas Day.

I think I'll check out Will Smith's new movie, "7 Pounds", and the new movie by Clint Eastwood, "Gran Torino".

Merry Christmas to all.

Fireproof

Fireproof is a low-budget Christian movie that is drawing modest attendance. The movie cost about $500,000 to produce, so it should easily make a profit; especially when it comes out on DVD.

The movie is about a fire chief captain (played by Kirk Cameron) who's marriage is on the rocks. Kirk's father convinces his son to devote 40 days to saving the marriage. The movie is full of Christianese. Kirk's father sounds more like a minister than a father. Still, it's a good movie that brought about many tears.

I was still wiping tears away while sweeping the aisles. Unlike Tyler Perry movies, Christian movies are easy to clean. One expects lots of trash in urban ghetto movies, or in kids movies or what passes for comedy today. We don't expect trash in chick-flicks and certainly not in a Christian movie. So I was surprised to find two popcorn bags in the seats at the top of the auditorium.

Now I'm not God. I don't know if those bags were left by heathens or by Democrats disguised as Christians, or even by young people who belong to a youth group because it's an excuse to hang out together and hopefully get lucky. All I know is that thinking Christians would not have left their sins behind so that an innocent usher would have to suffer on their behalf. Like most Christians who are sinned upon, I cursed the person who left the bags for me to clean up.

Perhaps there is a double standard here. We expect certain movies to be filthy just because of the nature of the audience. Those are the sins of commission. But the worst sins are those of ommission - the sins of not doing the right thing; in this case, taking out your own trash.

In some churches, leaving trash in the seats would not be considered a sin. Those churches have compromised with the world so much that it's hard to tell their members from the unbelievers. I belong to the denomination that teaches the truth - that you reap what you sow; even if you get your just rewards on the other side in the form of a shack, instead of the mansion everybody else gets who took out their trash.

The real issue here isn't whether it's right for Christians to take responsibility for their own sinful trash in Christian movies, but whether they have the right to sin in R-Rated movies; or even in G-rated movies. Can you call yourself a Christian if you only act righteously in Christian movies but like the world when you're in a worldly movie?

This may be too much Christianese for those of you who aren't Christians but who love going to movies. If you're one of those people, I would encourage you to go see Fireproof. Not only will you sit in the comfort of a relatively clean auditorium; you'll actually laugh and cry at what you see on the screen. Maybe you'll see the light and start taking your trash with you when you leave all movies. God surely works in mysterious ways.

Back Part-Time on a Part-Time Job

With all the kids going back to school or college, the theater is a bit short-staffed this fall; so the manager asked me if I could work a few nights a week until my wedding in November. I said OK: the price of gas and not being able to get my money out of my 401k led me to believe this is a more sound fiscal decision than simply watching TV at night.

I wish I could report that people have gotten neater in my short absence; but they haven't. Even white people are getting messier. My daughter says that I'm a racist; but my pastor insists that I'm simply a bigot: I don't like anyone. I'm an equal opportunity discriminator. And honestly, I don't dislike black people. At least they speak English...even if every other word is 'm@#$%^-f@&*&#'. I do think they need to lighten up a bit and stob grabbing their crotch like it's the last thing white people haven't taken from them. Can't we all just get along and take out our own trash?

I've taken the opportunity to watch Tyler Perry's "The Family That Preys". Kathy Bates is funny; and Gladys Knight does an amazing job on LeAnn Womacks "I Hope You Dance". Fortunately, I saw the movie during the week and only a handful of people were present. I enjoy Tyler Perry's movies but have always had a problem with the way his fans treat the theater. "The Family That Preys" was no exception, despite my writing to him and asking him to speak to his fans about being responsible. He hasn't. But Tyler did send an email yesterday encouraging his fans to register to vote for Barack Obama this election. I was surprised to learn that this is the first time Tyler has registered to vote since he moved to Atlanta over 15 years ago. Don't get me wrong: Tyler Perry is a wonderful human being. He puts his money where his mouth is and helps a lot of people. I just don't think that voting for change is going to change anything.

I also saw the new movie with Al Pacino and Robert Deniro, "Righteous Kill". It was OK. Both men are getting too old to pull of being cops; and their fans are slobs. "Lakeview Terrace" starring Samuel L. Jackson garnered the top seat this past weekend. It's a better movie than "Righteous Kill" and shows that blacks can be racists too. We always knew that by listening to Farakahn, Sharpton and Jess Jackson, but Samuel L Jackson pulled off a convincing cop who's got a problem with a white man and a black woman being married. I know it is realistic because I used to be married to a black woman, in the South, in the 1970s. Both whites and blacks had issues with our marriage. Fortunately, no one got shot over it.

"Nights In Rodanthe" comes to theaters tomorrow. Some people who came to the sneak peek last night for "Miracle at St. Anna" saw the sneak peek for "Nights In Rodanthe" and said that they enjoyed the movie...especially since it was filmed here in Raleigh and the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I think Kevin Costner should have gotten the lead role, but Richard Gere probably needed the money. The thing I like about movies based on Nicholas Sparks' novels is that the movies stick pretty closely with the original story. There are rumors that the sequel to "The Notebook" is in production. "The Wedding" is my favorite of all of Nicholas Sparks' books, so if they do this one right, it's going to be a blockbuster.

Prices for tickets and concessions went up the other weekend. Fuel surcharges, declining movie attendance, and the need to hire more employees and managers to clean up after those who do come are responsible for the increase. You can't bring your doggy bags and magnum bottles and leave them in the seats and not contribute to rising costs to clean up after you. Barack Obama promises to give 95% of Americans tax breaks and make it up by taxing corporations. I don't know about you, but I'm not naive enough to think that those higher taxes aren't going to be passed along to consumers in the form of fewer jobs and higher prices; nor should you be surprised to learn that when you bring outside food and drinks into a theater, you're cutting into the concessions where theaters make their profit. No profits - higher costs to make up the loss of revenue. It's a cycle. You can't do one thing without affecting something else. It's naive to think that voting for change is going to result in something better than what we already have...especially if the candidate doesn't have specific plans and goals.

So you see, your slovenly and cheap ways combined with a candidate that promises to take more of your hard-earned money is what is behind the mortgage crisis the country is facing today. It's the fault of movie-goers that people are losing their houses and having to go on welfare. If only you had purchased your snacks at the concession stand and consumed everything you purchased, America would not be cash-strapped today. But don't assume that I want you to vote for John McCain instead of Barack Obama. McCain is part of the problem, as is Joe Biden. I want you to vote for Sarah Palin. She's hot. And since it isn't moose season, she can spend her time kicking the butts of those people who make excuses for people's bad behavior. There is a direct link from liberal politics to the way certain people treat theaters. When they've been lied to and brainwashed into believing that they are victims and not responsible for their decisions, the result is a dumbing down of America. Unless we elect Sarah Palin President of the United States of America, our nation is on track to becoming another third-world nation, like our neighbors to the south. But we'll still be snobs, like our neighbors to the north. Only in Sarah Palin do we strive for something greater than ourselves.

This message has not been approved by Sarah Palin or the old guy at the top of the ticket.

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Enjoy the movies.

My Last Night at the Theater

Tuesday was my last night at the theater. It was quiet; schools are back in session, there's nothing worth watching except the final few days of Mama Mia! and the Dark Knight. Traitor, starring Don Cheadle, starts on Wednesday; along with Hamlet 2 - the "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" farce that won't last more than one week. Fortunately, I won't be there on September 12th to clean up behind Tyler Perry's 'The Family That Preys'. Tyler is great - his fans don't know the meaning of respect and responsibility.

There were only six of us working Tuesday night: myself, as usher, one concessionaire, one ticket-taker, one in the box office, a floor manager who barely left the office all night, and the manager in the projector booth. We only sold a little over 200 tickets the entire day. No theater had more than 15 people watching any movie.

In Mama Mia!, a card-carrying AARP member tried to hit on me. She wanted to dance, I wanted to get off my feet. Besides being happily engaged, I've never been attracted to women as old or older than myself. Everyone who sees Mama Mia! leaves the theater happier for the experience, and I was more than a little relieved when she followed her daughter out of the auditorium. There was not even one piece of popcorn to sweep up, so I was happy too.

Our girl in the box office came up to me to ask me to attend to the ladies bathroom. I offered her the broom, but she declined. What she really wanted was for me to go in there and repair the missing panel and stall door that once divided two toilets. The wall panel fell in on a customer a couple of months ago, striking her about the head and knees as she was squatting at the time. The general manager has no room in the budget to repair the toilet, clean the carpets, mend the torn wallpaper, mount the fire extinguishers someone ripped off the walls in half the auditoriums, replace the broken track lights that help people see their way up and down the steps; no maintenance person who knows how to tighten the screws on the soda syrup pumps so that they will stop dripping on the floor and attracting ants. The exterminator hasn't been able to get rid of the fire ants that dug through the concrete floor and built a huge anthill in the electric room where all the breakers are located. Nor has the exterminator sprayed the corners and ceilings inside and outside the theater to get rid of all the spiders who live there. Somewhere there is a huge hive of yellow jackets that hang out around the dumpsters and harrass me when I throw out the trash - they haven't been taken care of either. Basically, our facilities are in sad shape. But, as I told the box office girl, Tuesday night was my last night and I can't do anything to help.

After I cleaned the last set for the evening, I cleaned the breakroom and the syrup room one last time, then hid my broom and dustpan behind the ice machine where I've hidden it for months. I made one round of movie checks, clocked out and snuck out the side door without saying goodbye to anyone. I'm sure I'll see them again - but as a customer from now on.

I'll miss some of the folks I worked with...well maybe two: Abbas, the Pakistani manager who only works on Saturday nights, and a young female college student who's name I can't remember; who will leave soon to return to school in California. She's been the hardest working, most positive, sweetest person I've ever worked with. She's a conservative - which attests to her wisdom and maturity; and she thinks that Ronald Reagan is the best President America has ever had. I do too. Both she and Abbas are patriots, and we enjoyed lots of conversations about politics, school, and family. Actually, I'll miss some of the others too, even the usher who only talks about French food, Asian women, and soccer - he never shuts up, but he enjoys taking the trash out so I didn't have to. The managers and employees at the theater were OK people by me. I wish them well; and I hope that some day - maybe if Barack brings about the changes he promises, that customers will learn to be neat, respectful, and human - not like the pigs I cleaned up behind for the past ten months.

Tropic Thunder - 4 Tubs

This is another loser movie that attracts those who simply want to be 'entertained'. If you need crude vulgarity to be entertained, then go see this movie - it's full of it.

There's nothing after the credits, so get out so we can clean the auditorium. For those who didn't get enough 'f*#@ this s)^!' and 'm*@#&^$-f*#@ers', there's plenty more in the credit music. As with all loser movies, (Semi-Pro, Step Brothers, Harold and Kumar, Pineapple Express, ad nauseum), body fluids, bodily sounds, and much too often - male frontal nudity is what brings the teens, college students and single black women with their four children by four different sperm donors.

Saturday afternoon we spotted four children, the oldest of which was maybe 12 years old, enter Tropic Thunder. As this is an R-rated movie, we're bound by state and federal laws to protect children from the content of these movies. Most parents who find out that their kids snuck in to see an R-rated movie would be on the phone complaining to the corporate office. Not so for these four kids' mom. We asked for their ticket stubs and they said that their mom had them. We asked them to leave the theater until their mom appeared with the tickets. When she finally came out of the bathroom, the manager asked to see the ticket stubs. She said, "What business is it of yours? in a rather rude voice. The manager replied, "I'm the manager. This is an R-rated movie and minors can't be in these movies without an adult being present with them." She then told the manager to mind his own f'ing business and get out of her mf'ing face; and walked her four illegitimate children in to watch a movie with more curse words and sexual references than anything since Step Brothers - but those kids have probably heard that and more at home, judging by the mother. The oldest daughter did appear to be ashamed of her mother's behavior, so there's hope for at least one of these kids. I hope that the oldest girl escapes and is able to lead a successful life in spite of her mom's poor parenting skills.

I'm glad this was my last weekend at the theater because I'm sick to death of customers like this bitch. ('Bitch' should be in the Bible because that's the only description that fits some people - and God knows she's a bitch, and was purposed to be a bitch before He breathed her into her mother's over-used womb). Needless to say there was a mess under those five seats after the movie was over.

In the ten months that I've worked at this theater, I've come to believe that people aren't basically good as some would claim. Most are inconsiderate, rude, and slovenly. I'm having a difficult time trying to see what Jesus loves about these people. This is the point in Tropic Thunder where Robert Downey Jr, playing a black Army sergeant, would demand, "What do you mean by 'these people?" Maybe after I've had a few months to detox I won't be so negative and judgmental...but don't hold your breath.

Step Brothers/Pineapple Express - 4 Tubs each

These two movies are what I term, 'loser movies'. They're in the same gendre as Harold & Kumar, Don't Mess With the Zohan, Semi-Pro, Blades of Glory, and the upcoming Tropic Thunder. The people who are attracted to loser movies are teenagers, college students, and pedophiles. Loser movies glorify animalistic sex, suggest that marijuana will solve most, if not all, of America's problems, and pretend that depravity and vulgarity are actually funny. Obviously public school and college students think so because they don't mind plunking down the bucks to see this crap.

Saturday night at the theater, our GM walked past me shaking his head. "This is the first time that I've actually feared for our country's future." he said. I asked him what he was talking about, assuming he was talking about the gnat's breadth of difference between Obama and McCain. As it turns out, the GM was talking about the lengths our youths will go through to break the law and disobey authority in order to see movies like those mentioned above.

Earlier in the evening some teens tried to buy tickets to Step Brothers. The cashier asked for IDs and then refused to sell them tickets because they were under age. The teens came back a few minutes later and bought tickets for Hancock. The cashier was suspicious so she flagged the tickets so that the ushers could watch and make sure the kids went to the right theater. They did at first, but two minutes later walked out and entered Step Brothers. Obviously they were excited about seeing Will Ferrell rub his testicles on a drum. They were observed going in so the manager, accompanied by a police officer entered and brought them out. The manager gave them a refund and told them not to try buying R-rated tickets at our theater again. Fifteen minutes later, the same group of morons walk into the lobby and purchase tickets from the kiosk inside. They got no further than the ticket podium where the usher called the manager. The kids protested that they had legally purchased the tickets so we had to let them in. The manager gave them another refund and forbid them from coming to our theater again.

Around 11 PM, my feet were hurting so when I went into auditorium 14 to clean up behind the pigs in Pineapple Express I wanted to finish out my last hour and go home and get off my feet. Of course there were half a dozen people who insisted on staying through all the credits. With six more theaters to clean as well as the syrup room and break room, I turned on the cleaning lights so I could start cleaning. Shouts of protest erupted. "Hey man! We're watching the movie here!" greeted me as I rounded the corner and started sweeping.

"There's nothing at the end." I informed them.

"So maybe we like watching the credits. We paid big bucks to see this movie."

"Buy the DVD when it comes out and read it then. Here, the credits mean only one thing - to give you time to get out so I can clean this dump."

"I want a refund."

"I can't believe you paid to see this junk." I returned.

"Maybe we wanted to be entertained old man!" another punk spouts off.

"This isn't funny." I said. "The Three Stooges, Red Skelton, Abbott and Costello - they're funny. This is for idiots and retards." I threw the last in to piss them off.

"We could have you fired!" one sissy shouted.

"Do you think I give a damn about a job that pays $6.50 an hour? Go ahead. I've already turned in my resignation letter anyway."

The future leaders of the free world got up and stalked angrily towards the door. "This is f....'d up dude!"

The manager never came to yell at me so I guess the guys left to cry in their car. I wasn't too worried about what the managers would say. It's hard finding people to work these jobs; besides our managers are wimps.

Oh yeah, the theater was the mess I expected. Not only are our kids being dumbed down, they're not being taught responsibility at home either. We should all be very afraid.

Swing Vote - 1 Tub

I give this movie only one tub because people aren't coming to see it. It's a different kind of role for Kevin Costner, but he and every member of the cast did an outstanding job to get the message of the movie out there. So it's not only a mistake for people to not come see the movie, the lack of attention it is getting is a symptom of the very subject this movie addresses. First of all, this is a funny movie, but there is so much truth buried in Swing Vote that I was blown away on the drive home last night.

I was particularly impressed that someone in Hollywood actually had a clue as to what is going on in the world today - but obviously one or two do. Swing Vote is as accurate a depiction of the American political scene as has ever been done. It could have come at no better time.

Imagine if you will a nation so evenly divided against itself that there are no black and white issues any longer - everything is gray. Kelsey Grammer plays the incumband Republican President who is concerned with leaving a legacy he can be remembered by - as if being President isn't enough. Dennis Hopper is the Democratic nominee who is in a dead heat match up against his opponent. Both candidates are managed by handlers who are less concerned about what is best for the nation, but about winning the election and furthering their own political futures. Both are qualified, both got into politics because they thought they could make a difference, but find themselves in a system where you can't tell the difference between the two parties any longer. Sound like anything happening in the world today?

Throw in the average American - an apathetic unemployed drunk who thinks only of himself and his daughter. Kevin Costner, as Bud Johnson, represents the 50 percent of Americans who never show up at the polls. He doesn't have a clue what's going on outside his own little world. Then there's daughter Molly who represents the children who will inherit the world we give them. She cares, she's involved, but she has no voice - only the hope that her father will care enough to make her world better. She even has to vote for him because he's too drunk to show up at the polls. There's even one member of the media who has morals and character but is torn between doing what it takes to advance her career or hold on to her ethics.

When it turns out that the country is so divided that the decision is left to one vote in one insignificant town in an insignificant county in a state with only 5 electoral votes, both candidates descend on Texico, New Mexico to convince Bud to give them his vote. Whatever the media shows that Bud might care about, each candidate suddenly adopts that stance: the Republicans turn their back on corporate donors to protect a river and make the Sierra Club happy; Democrats suddenly take an anti-abortion stance. They send celebrities to campaign for them; they throw parties and offer gifts and make promises neither has the intention or ability to keep.

When the future of America rides on the vote of one person, suddenly people start getting involved. Bud is innundated by mail and gifts, asking him to speak for the common man. Unfortunately, he's too busy enjoying the handouts that he doesn't even realize that people are depending on him. Only Molly takes the time to read and to respond and to offer hope to people who've lost hope in our leadership.

At the last minute Bud listens to his daughter and takes his responsibilities seriously. He calls for a debate to allow each candidate, both of whom he's become fond of and who, by this time have come to realize that they've lost touch with their own values. The two candidates for the most powerful nation on earth are brought to an outdoor rodeo arena to tell why they are the best qualified to lead our nation. But first Bud has to come to grips with his own culpability. Bud apologizes to the country for not following his dreams, for not taking advantage of the many, many chances he had been afforded in life because he was born here. He apologizes for never serving, never giving back to the nation that had given him so much. And rather than ask his own questions about issues he really is not intelligent about, he asks questions from the people who've written him asking him to speak for them...the poor, those taken advantage of, those who've done the best that they can but still can't support their families even in the richest country on earth.

The following day as Bud and Molly walk into the voting center, Bud turns around and smiles at Molly before pulling the curtain and casting his vote. Apparently what he heard had given him peace about whom he should vote for. I wish it were that simple for us, that we were engaged and that we cared enough and were confident about the person we are going to elect this November.

It would behoove our two candidates running for office this year to watch Swing Vote and to take an honest look at themselves and determine whether they still have a grasp on what they stand for and whether they have the future of our nation as their number one priority. At some point I'm sure that both candidates were sure about their values and their vision and their ability to lead. They aren't evil men, just men overwhelmed by the complexity of the problems facing our nation; who don't really have the best advisors around them who share their vision for our nation. It would be nice for Senators McCain and Obama to walk into that office bound, not to party affiliation, but to the American ideal that is bigger than the Office of the President, bigger than the voters, bigger than free markets and social reforms. As Molly said in her social studies presentation, that if we don't do the right things now, we're doomed to go the way of all great cultures, doomed to bondage and insignificance.

Swing Vote doesn't pick sides, doesn't answer the most burning social issues; but what it does is to cause us to think about how we can "make a better country by being active changers and refusing to be passive observers... not just for ourselves, but for future generations" (Efrain Gomez - Hollywood Jesus).

It's Time to Hang Up the Broom

I've decided to call it quits at the theater at the end of August. That means that soon I won't be able to inform and entertain you on this blog. I know the world will be deeply disappointed...all 14 of you who view my blog on a regular basis:).

I started this blog as a commentary on people who come to be entertained at my theater. At first I was horrified that so many people hadn't been raised to clean up after themselves. Then I became incensed as I understood that many people today have this entitlement attitude that simply because you pay to see a movie, you've got the right to desecrate property that doesn't belong to you. I especially resented hearing people say to their partners that it was ok to leave their trash because we (ushers) get paid to clean up their mess.

Last night I watched "Last Vacation" on TV with one of my daughters. In the movie, Queen Latifa played a woman who worked in the retail business serving the customers. She was really good at her job, even if she wasn't appreciated by her manager. After finding out that she had a terminal disease and had only three weeks to live, Queen withdrew her life savings and decided to go out with a bang, flying to Europe to stay at a ritzy hotel she'd only dreamed about in her 'possibilities' scrapbook. While there, Queen attracted the admiration of both guests and staff by her gracious manner. When she observed hotel employees being verbally abused by a guest, she confronted that guest and told her that she had no right to curse and abuse the person who was trying to make her stay as nice as possible; that just because someone is paid to serve you doesn't mean that they aren't human too, or that they don't have dreams just as big as your own, or that their circumstances may not be as favorable as your own and they're doing the best they can for those they love.

I don't know how many more 'reviews' I'll do in the remaining month I'm working at the theater. It really does become tiring to write the same stuff over and over; and it can become depressing to see so many who have so little regard for others. It's been nine months, longer than I thought I'd last; and I can't say it's been fun. But I do have more respect for those who are 'beneath' my social status. Whether it's students who are just learning what it is like to earn their own money, or disabled but functional people who need to feel productive, to people like myself who needed to earn extra money because we're taking care of sick children or paying off Uncle Sam for taxes we didn't know we owed; theater employees, waiters/ waitresses, people in retail, customer support, and all service industries are deserving of respect and kindness. There is no amount of money that justifies bad behaviour. More importantly, treating others with respect and kindness makes you a better person. You might not see yourself as an ungrateful, unappreciative, and slovenly pig; but what you do and what you fail to do speaks volumes about your character...even if it's just taking your trash with you when you leave the theater; or standing a little closer to the urinal and squatting a little closer to the toilet seat.

Whether or not Hollywood continues to turn out drivel disguised as entertainment, I hope that you will be mindful of those who do their best to make your experience the best it can be. It's OK to complain about a messy bathroom or that the auditorium is too cold or too loud, but please do so in a pleasant way. You'll see a vast difference in the response you get when you treat that usher or concession employee with respect. You'll make their job more enjoyable and they will try harder and everyone wins.

I guess the thing I'll miss most, other than my political discussions with my Muslim friend, are the free movie passes. I don't think I'll pay to see as many movies as I did before I became an employee - there just aren't that many good movies worth the time and expense. But if they'll continue to turn out movies like The Bucket List, The Dark Knight, Mama Mia, and stories that inspire and make me want to be a better person, I'll plop down the $9.00 for a ticket and I'll spend $11 on concessions to help the theater meet their payroll. And I'll always take my trash with me when I leave.

Mama Mia! - 5 Tubs

I hated cleaning this auditorium, but the movie was fantastic! But first, the down and dirty: women, for the most part middle-aged and overweight, trashed my theater and rest rooms last weekend as they flocked to see this movie starring Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth and others in a big-screen adaptation of the Broadway play Mama Mia!

Large tubs of popcorn and plastic Dasani bottles littered the floors, while both trash receptacles overflowed (which is a good thing because many people did take their trash with them). Perhaps the amount of overturned popcorn could be attributed to the laughter and the clapping at the end of the movie - well deserved applause for one of the best feel-good movies of the year.

If there was anything I didn't enjoy about the movie, it was Pierce Brosnan. I can only assume that he was cast in his role because he ages well and needed the work. He certainly can't sing, and Simon would have embarrassed him had he tried out for American Idol. Despite the painful croaks emmitted by Brosnan, the rest of the cast did a great job. The location was beautiful, and the music perfect. I had to listen to my Abba CD on the way to work this morning.

I hate to admit this, but there was a moment when Meryl Streep was reminiscing about her daughter growing up that a tear rolled down my cheek too as my daughter is a rising senior this year and will be off on her great adventures sooner than I'm ready to let her go. Fortunately, I sat near the front and there was no one close enough to see me swipe away the tear. Any movie that can bring me to tears or to burst out laughing as I did in Mama Mia! is worth the price of the ticket, even if I didn't have to pay to see this movie.

The Dark Knight - 6 Tubs

Normally I would limit the filthiness of a theater auditorium to 5 tubs, but with the crowds that The Dark Knight are drawing, I must bump it up there with the biggest landfill you can find.

I loved the movie; it was better than Batman Begins, and yes, Heath Ledger does deserve an Oscar for his role as the Joker. It did push the envelope for destruction for destruction's sake, but compared to what they turn out now for 'horror movies', Batman was realistic. I liked Harvey Dent, Bruce Wayne, and I couldn't hate the Joker and kind of regret that Ledger can't bring him back in a future movie...but to be honest, what I experienced from the movie wasn't so much the film itself, but the evil hoards who flocked to see it and trashed my theater in the process. After all, this blog is about how theater patrons leave the theater, not about the movies themselves.

I won't go into gruesome detail about how many tubs of popcorn, cups of soda, chicken bones, watermelon rinds, and condoms were left in the theater. It was terrible and we filled four dumpters in one day on the refuse from this movie. What I want to talk about is the movie fans.

A few months ago I would have been able to find $2-5 under the seats at the end of the movie. The most I've found in one day was $13 in quarters after "Step Up To The Streets 2". But since gas prices have risen and the way that it has affected everything else, the theater business is starting to feel the affects too. You, as a customer might see an increase in ticket or concession prices. As an usher, I've found that most theater goers are paying for their entertainment with plastic. Granted, many might be using a debit card to pay for their movies and concessions, but some are charging the cost and making payments month after month. And although The Dark Knight was sold out almost every show, I was unable to come up with more than $.57 for the entire weekend.

Let me make my point a little better. The Dark Knight did over $150Million on opening weekend. People are still coming to the movies when there is something worth watching (which isn't often). And people are still buying the big tub of popcorn, the large sodas, and they're still allowing the concessionists to upsell them candy and ice cream; but they're paying for it with credit cards. People are feeling the crunch, but they're not quite ready to alter their lifestyles...at least until they've maxed out their credit cards.

If I were a theater owner, and if I believed that oil prices were going to continue to climb and that it is only a matter of time before people started cutting back on unnecessary things like movies and dining out, then I would be worried about the upcoming holiday season when the second round of 'block-busters' are due out. The Dark Knight is an anomaly as far as movies in 2008. The money the theater is going to make on this movie is rapidly dwindling, so I really hope Hollywood has something else big coming up soon or you're going to see some theater sell-offs or start seeing theaters keep movies longer and not show every new release that comes their way.

I know none of this gives you an idea of what The Dark Knight is like; just go see the movie - it's worth the money. But if the only way you can afford to see the movie is to use your credit card, cut that thing up and wait for it to come to TV in three or four years. Maybe by then we'll have drilled and refined some oil and you won't have to mortgage your house to take the family out to a movie.

Hancock - 5 Tubs

OK, same old story: large tubs of popcorn and large cups of soda are barely touched and end up left in and under the seats. There's a growing trend at our theater. Patrons are putting so much butter on their popcorn that it leaks through the bags and the tub onto their pants/dresses. What happens next is that they will place said soggy paper products on the floor where the buttery topping (not real butter) soaks into the concrete making the aisle a dangerous place to walk. Again, parents are trying to drown their kids in buttery topping. The new seasoned salt containers aren't selling that well, and that's OK with us - less to sweep up. Hancock is one of the summer blockbusters, so it's going to be filthy. Be patient, when we're done cleaning it you'll see us exit with a 400 gallon trash container filled from the previous patrons.

Hancock is a great movie in that it addresses what most of us would like to see in a super hero: someone who doesn't give a shit about how other people think of him. I particularly enjoyed the scene where the boy called Hancock an asshole and got knocked so high he didn't come down for two minutes. Don't you know that a real super hero gets tired of people who can't do what he does telling him how to do it? I mean, do you take health advice from an auto mechanic? I'd like to have seen Hancock toss Congress into outer space, along with Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, George Soros and other evil entities that plague our world. And if I were a super hero, I'd not be sleeping on a park bench. I'd sleep anywhere I wanted, eat when and what I wanted, choose who I helped and who I screwed around with, and just have a great old time. I missed my calling in life:

Go see the movie, have fun, and please take your trash with you.

Created by OnePlusYou

Some people think I'm too cynical and irreverant. They're probably right, but it's more fun than writing boring reviews about something as stupid as movies. Still, it's not like I'm vulgar or anything. I just rate a 'Darn-It', not even an 'Asshole' - something I've been called numerous times.

Of course, this doesn't make me a saint. It just means that there are a lot of filthy people on the Internet and that I'm a wus compared to some of the jerk-offs here.

Wall.E - 5 Tubs

When someone says to me, "I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?" I'll always say, "Give me the bad news first." I like happy endings. So let me start this review by giving you the bad news first.

Wall.E is a story about an Earth that has been destroyed by humans who have all left to live on a space platform, leaving behind a single robot to clean it up before the humans can return. Wall.E (short for Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth class) goes around and sweeps up all the trash and debris and stores it in huge landfills. Useful items he warehouses for later use. Basically, Wall.E assumes the stewardship of the Earth that God created man to perform. The bad news is that the brats and sperm and egg donors who created them didn't learn anything from watching the movie. They treated my theater the way the humans treated the Earth. Like Wall.E, I clean up behind human pigs disguised as movie goers. Unlike Wall.E who does his job without complaining, I take upon myself the huge burden of being the conscience of humankind. Despite many claims to the contrary, I've found that most movie goers are not only slovenly, they're liars too. Everyone I've met says that they always take their trash with them: blacks, whites, Asians, maybe Hispanics - I can't tell because they don't speak English. But somebody is leaving the mountains of trash I have to haul out of the theater after every showing. So, as your conscience, stop lying, stop sneaking in outside food and drink because you're cheap and dishonest, and take your stinking trash to the trash receptacles located by the door through which you entered the auditorium.

Now on to the good news. Wall.E is a movie about relationships. Despite being a robot, Wall.E develops a character and personality. He's lonely, inquisitive, nostalgic, romantic. His only companion is a cockroach; one of those creations we wish God had left off the Ark. When another robot lands unexpectedly on Earth, Wall.E falls in love at first sight. Her name is, appropriately, Eve; and Eve at first plays hard to get. Wall.E tries to win the other robot's attention by showing off all the treasures he's salvaged. One of those treasures is a small plant that Wall.E has saved and nurtured in an old boot. When Eve accepts the plant, her systems appear to shut down and Wall.E begins to think that he's the reason she's taken ill. Wall.E uses umbrellas and trash cans to protect Eve from the elements. He puts her in the front of his cart as he paddles through the muck and mire, trying to show show her the grandeur of what used to be. He dresses her with lights at Christmas and sits by her side pining away, longing for the chance to hold her hand.

When a spaceship arrives and loads Eve into the ship, Wall.E rushes to be with her. Unable to get onboard before blast off, Wall.E clings to the outside of the ship, refusing to let go despite being pelted by satellites and other space debris floating in Earth's orbit. Once beyond our gravitational pull, Wall.E marvels at the beauty of Creation in the cosmos. And when the ship arrives at the space station, occupied by obese, spoiled humans, who are pampered and taken care of by armies of robots, Wall.E follows Eve to protect her and to be with her. When Eve is thought to be defective and sent to robot rehab, Wall.E follows and meets other rejects and in his own humanity shows them that they are each special and that they have something to contribute still. This is a movie about selflessness, friendship and love and going to the ends of the universe to be with the person you care about. It's what being human is all about...but we've somehow forgotten as we've learned to put ourselves first rather than others and this beautiful planet we've been given to take care of.

Is there a happy ending? Will the humans get back to Earth and do a better job taking care of her than they did in the beginning? You'll have to watch the movie to find out. And while you're at it, how about having some respect for yourself by not buying more than you can consume; and respect for the ushers who clean up after you by disposing of your trash when you leave the movie?