Dirty Movies Critic

Dirty Movie Critic

2010-12-29T09:54:00.001-05:00

I work in the movie business. I am a Theater Usher.

Contrary to popular opinion, a theater usher is not there to find you, and your party of fourteen, seats together; nor are we there to open the door for you because your arms are filled with a large tub of popcorn, a 64 oz soda, and a bag of Twizzlers. Our responsibilities are far more important. Our primary job is to clean up after pigs disguised as movie-goers.

The purpose of this blog is to provide you with an insight into show business you won't find elsewhere: the dark and dirty secrets of how the movie industry seduces you into spending your hard earned money on filthy entertainment. At the same time, I will rate new releases, not on the quality of acting or cinematography - but on how dirty the theater is when you leave it.

DISCLAIMER: Neither the management of the theater at which I am employed, nor it's parent corporation, the studios, vendors, nor fellow employees are aware of, agree with, or condone in any way the views and opinions expressed within. In order to protect my job, I will not share my real name nor the theater name or location, other than to say that we are located in or near the cities of Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Any comparisons to peoples living elsewhere are not intended, nor should they be construed as to say that people from your area are better or worse than those who view movies at the theater I work at.

FURTHER DISCLAIMER: Since we live in a world where people are easily offended, I feel it necessary to add that my views and opinions are based on personal experience spanning more than 50 years of being both a consumer and an employee in the movie business. If I say anything to offend you, get over it. I'm only earning $6.50 an hour and I can't seem to get more than 20 hours of work any given week. If I had money, I wouldn't be cleaning up after you pigs.

Anyway, before I begin to rate the current releases, let me take this time to share the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance. Ever since Charleton Heston smashed the tablets containing the 10 commandments after finding his people worshipping a golden image of the Chic-fil-a mascot, theater employees have been demanding from God a set of laws concerning how theater-goers are to conduct themselves while in our places of employment.

Thou Shalt Take Your Trash With You When You Exit The Auditorium. Rule #1 is that whatever you bring into the theater with you needs to go with you when you leave. We provide you with at least one trash container, usually found near the door where you entered the auditorium. In some occasions, ushers will provide a mobile trash container at the foot of the steps. Use them. Just because you paid $9-12 for a ticket doesn't give you the right to expect bus service. If you're going to leave a mess, at least leave a tip - $1.00 minimum per cup holder. If you drop personal belongings - don't expect to recover any cash. We'll give you back the cell phones, umbrellas and jewelry, but any cash found is considered a tip even though it won't be reported as such to the IRS. (Actually the janitorial service that cleans the theaters after hours finds most of your money, so don't blame the ushers!)
Thou Shalt Not Complain About How Long the Box Office and Concession Lines Are. Here's an original thought - come early. You have to come two hours early to catch an airplane, what's wrong with arriving 20 minutes before your show starts. Another thing - relax. There are usually 12-13 minutes of paid commercials and pre-views before the movie you paid to see starts. Stop your bitching.
Thou Shalt Not Bring Contraband Into the Theater. You cheap asshole! Sure our concessions are over-priced, but that's because the theater has to hire us to clean up after you. Don't bring your microwave popcorn, canned sodas, dinner leftovers, beer cans, vodka bottles, and chicken bones into our theater. And if you do manage to sneak it past us, at least have respect for us ushers to take the trash with you and drop them in the containers the theater provides for paying customers.
Thou Shalt Not Leave Your Spit Cups For Ushers to Clean Up. This commandment is like unto the previous: If you consume tobacco products between your cheek and gums, don't use our cups to spit in and then leave your filthy, stinking expectorant for us to have to touch. How do women kiss guys who use smokeless tobacco? It stinks, it's disgusting, and it's toxic. If you're addicted to that fecal matter, wait until you leave to use it. I hope you swallow and choke on that shit!
Thou Shalt Not Complain About Dirty Bathrooms. Who do you think messed them up to begin with? Women are the worst. I think you're afraid to sit where another woman has rested her fat but-tocks, so you squat and your aim sucks. Toilet paper goes in the toilet. If it doesn't flush when your behind stands up - push the little button behind the toilet so the next guest (or poor usher who has to clean the restrooms) doesn't have to look at the present you left them. Guys - stand closer to the urinal. The reason the bathrooms smell so bad is because there's more piss on the floor than down the drain. Besides, ushers are so busy cleaning 16-20 screens that we don't have time to keep the bathroom clean. Go before you come!
Thou Shalt Not Talk During the Movie. No one likes those loud obnoxious people who have no inside voice. When you pay $9-12 for a movie ticket, you want to be able to hear what's being played over those 500 watt surround sound speakers. Turn off your cell phones! You are not that important - and if you're needed that badly you shouldn't be wasting time watching a movie. Here's a helpful hint: Ushers look for people using cell phones and if your cell phone is a camera phone, it can be confiscated it theater employees suspect you're taking shots or video of the movie. That's called piracy - which is covered in the seventh commandment.
Thou Shalt Not Pirate Movies. Although I support capitalism, stealing movies by videotaping new releases is a felony. When you see an usher walk into the theater during the movie, we're not only there to count the number of patrons and record the count on the sheet by the emergency exit, we're looking for people who are using video cameras, cell phones or other recording devices. If we see you, we won't be the ones approaching you. We call the cops, point you out, and you're out more than the cost of the movie ticket. We're trained to spot pirateers, so don't make us be the bad guy simply because you're a dirtbag.
Thou Shalt Not Enter an Auditorium While It Is Being Cleaned. So you're one of the smart few who arrived early; if you enter an auditorium and you see the ushers are still cleaning the theater, go back outside until you see us exit with all the trash left by the previous movie-goers. They're the ones who make you wait for a seat. If they'd taken their trash with them rather than left it in, under, and behind the seats, we'd be done and you could park your butt in the seat of your choice before all the late-comers get there. Above all, don't stand to the side and watch us clean. Grab a damn broom and dustpan and help if you're that anxious to get a seat.
Thou Shalt Purchase Only What You Will Consume. Our concessionaires are trained to up-sell concessions; but you don't need to buy the large tub of popcorn just because it's only twenty-five cents more and you get free refills. Very few people get refills, and the majority that do come back for refills are the clumsy jerks who spilled half of the popcorn stumbling up the stairs. Same goes for a large drink - you don't know how many times we find tubs of popcorn and drinks barely touched when we clean up behind the lazy bastards that left them in the seats. Concessions are already over-priced, don't pay for more than you're going to consume. Our managers appreciate the bonus you earned them, but the ushers hate you for it.
Thou Shalt Not Watch Every Last Credit Once the Movie Has Ended. Some people sit until every credit has played before getting up and leaving. Meanwhile, the poor ushers are standing to the side, stressing out over the other three movies that let out at the same time this one did and knowing that they've only got 20 minutes to clean four auditoriums before the next feature starts. You don't need to know who catered the Russian location portion during the production of this film or who rewound the tape for the editors. The credits are there for one purpose as far as we ushers are concerned: to give you time to get the hell out so we can clean the theater. Inevitably, one or two will stay and watch all the credits and we'll end up so far behind that the next group of viewers get ticked off because they can't get a seat because the ushers are still cleaning the theater of mountains of waste sold to people who's wallets were bigger than they bellies.

Enjoy the movies - but remember the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance.

The Watchmen

2009-03-19T14:40:00.002-04:00

I come to you today as a civilian, no longer employed by the theater industry - whew, what a relief! I thank God that I wasn't working when Madea Goes to Jail came to my theater.

My daughter and I went to see The Watchmen the other night. She spent half of the movie covering my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at the naked blue guy's penis. Some things are better left to the imagination. She liked Dr. Manhattan; I liked the Commedian; we both liked Rorschach. Again, I could have done without the sex scenes, but it was a pretty good movie.

I noticed some improvements in the theater since my departure. First, the bathrooms no longer smelled like urine. The floors were actually clean; it looked like the custodial service had been changed and the new guys actually know how to clean tile floors. There were also paper towels in the bathrooms to supplement the blow dryers.

A new guy, about my age but with a much larger gut, was pushing a cart of popcorn, trying to drum up concession sales before the movies started. There were no takers as far as I could determine. Patrons suspect pre-bagged popcorn as being older than the stuff in the machine; and they'd have to go back out to the lobby to add butter and purchase seasoned salt if they wanted it. Not such a wise move on management's part. The guy should have been hawking candy bars...but I'm not the manager.

The display posters that used to sit down the hallways between auditoriums are now stacked on the upper display racks in the lobby. Good use of space - and again, I'm glad I'm not working because I hate heights.

The employees were all polite and efficient, even if the concession lines were slow. That's the nature of concessions. It was expensive, although I did get a military discount for myself and the student discount for my daughter. I used my Regal Crown Club card and had enough points to get a small popcorn, which I upgraded to a medium for 50 cents. Not bad - I saved $4.50 by using my card and $4.00 off ticket prices. Can't do it every movie, but $8.50 comes in good in this economy.

It was nice leaving the theater at the end of our movie rather than after midnight. My feet didn't hurt from standing all night and the movie was pretty good. I'm looking forward to The Watchmen coming out on DVD. Don't know if there needs to be a sequel. Some movies, like Rambo, are better told once.

I don't get to go to as many movies as I used to now that I have to pay for them. I've learned to be satisfied sitting home watching 24, American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, Friday Night Lights, and Glenn Beck.

Therefore, I guess it's time to put this blog to rest. Thank you for listening to my whining; and please, please remember the Ten Commandments of Theater Attendance - found on the opening page.

Dirty Movie Critic - out!

Now A Former Theater Usher!

2008-12-18T15:01:00.003-05:00

Back in October I turned in my broom and dustpan, shook the hand of the General Manager who was leaving the same time I was, and didn't look back. Some things were changing, some things never will. New management was on the way in with fresh ideas and old employees were on their way out, some to school, others to better paying jobs and me to a new wife.

I've been back to the theater twice since leaving. The bathrooms are just as dirty - but ushers no longer have to sign a sheet saying it was cleaned; nor do they have to sign an auditorium check sheet, they only have to stand at the front of the auditorium so you can see they're checking. The clocks have been removed - pretty stupid. The idea was that the employees were watching the clock too much, but we needed those clocks so we'd know when it was time to clean the next theater. Now ushers have to use their cell phones, which the management has forbidden on the floor. No one wears a watch anymore.

The combination to the doors have been changed, but the employees told me the new code - hoping I'll come back and shoot the breeze and complain about having to work for $6.50 an hour. But I'm not going back. I'm having too much fun going home to my wife after working my real job. We cook meals together, clean the house together, watch TV together, and do things together that are more fun than doing them alone.

I've seen "Australia" and "Quantum of Solace" as a paying customer. The movies were good, but the same customers are leaving their trash behind. Some things won't ever change.

This is the busy season for the theater. A year ago, I worked nine hours without a break, standing at the front door tearing tickets and greeting customers with "Merry Christmas". Then I went home and prepared a TV dinner. This year I'll be with my wife at her folks' house in Nebraska. Maybe there will be snow for Christmas! Perhaps I'll pause and reflect on my former co-workers who're making a whole $9.75 an hour for working on Christmas Day.

I think I'll check out Will Smith's new movie, "7 Pounds", and the new movie by Clint Eastwood, "Gran Torino".

Merry Christmas to all.

Fireproof

2008-10-02T11:28:00.004-04:00

Fireproof is a low-budget Christian movie that is drawing modest attendance. The movie cost about $500,000 to produce, so it should easily make a profit; especially when it comes out on DVD.

The movie is about a fire chief captain (played by Kirk Cameron) who's marriage is on the rocks. Kirk's father convinces his son to devote 40 days to saving the marriage. The movie is full of Christianese. Kirk's father sounds more like a minister than a father. Still, it's a good movie that brought about many tears.

I was still wiping tears away while sweeping the aisles. Unlike Tyler Perry movies, Christian movies are easy to clean. One expects lots of trash in urban ghetto movies, or in kids movies or what passes for comedy today. We don't expect trash in chick-flicks and certainly not in a Christian movie. So I was surprised to find two popcorn bags in the seats at the top of the auditorium.

Now I'm not God. I don't know if those bags were left by heathens or by Democrats disguised as Christians, or even by young people who belong to a youth group because it's an excuse to hang out together and hopefully get lucky. All I know is that thinking Christians would not have left their sins behind so that an innocent usher would have to suffer on their behalf. Like most Christians who are sinned upon, I cursed the person who left the bags for me to clean up.

Perhaps there is a double standard here. We expect certain movies to be filthy just because of the nature of the audience. Those are the sins of commission. But the worst sins are those of ommission - the sins of not doing the right thing; in this case, taking out your own trash.

In some churches, leaving trash in the seats would not be considered a sin. Those churches have compromised with the world so much that it's hard to tell their members from the unbelievers. I belong to the denomination that teaches the truth - that you reap what you sow; even if you get your just rewards on the other side in the form of a shack, instead of the mansion everybody else gets who took out their trash.

The real issue here isn't whether it's right for Christians to take responsibility for their own sinful trash in Christian movies, but whether they have the right to sin in R-Rated movies; or even in G-rated movies. Can you call yourself a Christian if you only act righteously in Christian movies but like the world when you're in a worldly movie?

This may be too much Christianese for those of you who aren't Christians but who love going to movies. If you're one of those people, I would encourage you to go see Fireproof. Not only will you sit in the comfort of a relatively clean auditorium; you'll actually laugh and cry at what you see on the screen. Maybe you'll see the light and start taking your trash with you when you leave all movies. God surely works in mysterious ways.

Back Part-Time on a Part-Time Job

2008-09-25T09:59:00.004-04:00

With all the kids going back to school or college, the theater is a bit short-staffed this fall; so the manager asked me if I could work a few nights a week until my wedding in November. I said OK: the price of gas and not being able to get my money out of my 401k led me to believe this is a more sound fiscal decision than simply watching TV at night.

I wish I could report that people have gotten neater in my short absence; but they haven't. Even white people are getting messier. My daughter says that I'm a racist; but my pastor insists that I'm simply a bigot: I don't like anyone. I'm an equal opportunity discriminator. And honestly, I don't dislike black people. At least they speak English...even if every other word is 'm@#$%^-f@&*&#'. I do think they need to lighten up a bit and stob grabbing their crotch like it's the last thing white people haven't taken from them. Can't we all just get along and take out our own trash?

I've taken the opportunity to watch Tyler Perry's "The Family That Preys". Kathy Bates is funny; and Gladys Knight does an amazing job on LeAnn Womacks "I Hope You Dance". Fortunately, I saw the movie during the week and only a handful of people were present. I enjoy Tyler Perry's movies but have always had a problem with the way his fans treat the theater. "The Family That Preys" was no exception, despite my writing to him and asking him to speak to his fans about being responsible. He hasn't. But Tyler did send an email yesterday encouraging his fans to register to vote for Barack Obama this election. I was surprised to learn that this is the first time Tyler has registered to vote since he moved to Atlanta over 15 years ago. Don't get me wrong: Tyler Perry is a wonderful human being. He puts his money where his mouth is and helps a lot of people. I just don't think that voting for change is going to change anything.

I also saw the new movie with Al Pacino and Robert Deniro, "Righteous Kill". It was OK. Both men are getting too old to pull of being cops; and their fans are slobs. "Lakeview Terrace" starring Samuel L. Jackson garnered the top seat this past weekend. It's a better movie than "Righteous Kill" and shows that blacks can be racists too. We always knew that by listening to Farakahn, Sharpton and Jess Jackson, but Samuel L Jackson pulled off a convincing cop who's got a problem with a white man and a black woman being married. I know it is realistic because I used to be married to a black woman, in the South, in the 1970s. Both whites and blacks had issues with our marriage. Fortunately, no one got shot over it.

"Nights In Rodanthe" comes to theaters tomorrow. Some people who came to the sneak peek last night for "Miracle at St. Anna" saw the sneak peek for "Nights In Rodanthe" and said that they enjoyed the movie...especially since it was filmed here in Raleigh and the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I think Kevin Costner should have gotten the lead role, but Richard Gere probably needed the money. The thing I like about movies based on Nicholas Sparks' novels is that the movies stick pretty closely with the original story. There are rumors that the sequel to "The Notebook" is in production. "The Wedding" is my favorite of all of Nicholas Sparks' books, so if they do this one right, it's going to be a blockbuster.

Prices for tickets and concessions went up the other weekend. Fuel surcharges, declining movie attendance, and the need to hire more employees and managers to clean up after those who do come are responsible for the increase. You can't bring your doggy bags and magnum bottles and leave them in the seats and not contribute to rising costs to clean up after you. Barack Obama promises to give 95% of Americans tax breaks and make it up by taxing corporations. I don't know about you, but I'm not naive enough to think that those higher taxes aren't going to be passed along to consumers in the form of fewer jobs and higher prices; nor should you be surprised to learn that when you bring outside food and drinks into a theater, you're cutting into the concessions where theaters make their profit. No profits - higher costs to make up the loss of revenue. It's a cycle. You can't do one thing without affecting something else. It's naive to think that voting for change is going to result in something better than what we already have...especially if the candidate doesn't have specific plans and goals.

So you see, your slovenly and cheap ways combined with a candidate that promises to take more of your hard-earned money is what is behind the mortgage crisis the country is facing today. It's the fault of movie-goers that people are losing their houses and having to go on welfare. If only you had purchased your snacks at the concession stand and consumed everything you purchased, America would not be cash-strapped today. But don't assume that I want you to vote for John McCain instead of Barack Obama. McCain is part of the problem, as is Joe Biden. I want you to vote for Sarah Palin. She's hot. And since it isn't moose season, she can spend her time kicking the butts of those people who make excuses for people's bad behavior. There is a direct link from liberal politics to the way certain people treat theaters. When they've been lied to and brainwashed into believing that they are victims and not responsible for their decisions, the result is a dumbing down of America. Unless we elect Sarah Palin President of the United States of America, our nation is on track to becoming another third-world nation, like our neighbors to the south. But we'll still be snobs, like our neighbors to the north. Only in Sarah Palin do we strive for something greater than ourselves.

This message has not been approved by Sarah Palin or the old guy at the top of the ticket.

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Enjoy the movies.

My Last Night at the Theater

2008-08-28T14:03:00.001-04:00

Tuesday was my last night at the theater. It was quiet; schools are back in session, there's nothing worth watching except the final few days of Mama Mia! and the Dark Knight. Traitor, starring Don Cheadle, starts on Wednesday; along with Hamlet 2 - the "Rock Me Sexy Jesus" farce that won't last more than one week. Fortunately, I won't be there on September 12th to clean up behind Tyler Perry's 'The Family That Preys'. Tyler is great - his fans don't know the meaning of respect and responsibility.

There were only six of us working Tuesday night: myself, as usher, one concessionaire, one ticket-taker, one in the box office, a floor manager who barely left the office all night, and the manager in the projector booth. We only sold a little over 200 tickets the entire day. No theater had more than 15 people watching any movie.

In Mama Mia!, a card-carrying AARP member tried to hit on me. She wanted to dance, I wanted to get off my feet. Besides being happily engaged, I've never been attracted to women as old or older than myself. Everyone who sees Mama Mia! leaves the theater happier for the experience, and I was more than a little relieved when she followed her daughter out of the auditorium. There was not even one piece of popcorn to sweep up, so I was happy too.

Our girl in the box office came up to me to ask me to attend to the ladies bathroom. I offered her the broom, but she declined. What she really wanted was for me to go in there and repair the missing panel and stall door that once divided two toilets. The wall panel fell in on a customer a couple of months ago, striking her about the head and knees as she was squatting at the time. The general manager has no room in the budget to repair the toilet, clean the carpets, mend the torn wallpaper, mount the fire extinguishers someone ripped off the walls in half the auditoriums, replace the broken track lights that help people see their way up and down the steps; no maintenance person who knows how to tighten the screws on the soda syrup pumps so that they will stop dripping on the floor and attracting ants. The exterminator hasn't been able to get rid of the fire ants that dug through the concrete floor and built a huge anthill in the electric room where all the breakers are located. Nor has the exterminator sprayed the corners and ceilings inside and outside the theater to get rid of all the spiders who live there. Somewhere there is a huge hive of yellow jackets that hang out around the dumpsters and harrass me when I throw out the trash - they haven't been taken care of either. Basically, our facilities are in sad shape. But, as I told the box office girl, Tuesday night was my last night and I can't do anything to help.

After I cleaned the last set for the evening, I cleaned the breakroom and the syrup room one last time, then hid my broom and dustpan behind the ice machine where I've hidden it for months. I made one round of movie checks, clocked out and snuck out the side door without saying goodbye to anyone. I'm sure I'll see them again - but as a customer from now on.

I'll miss some of the folks I worked with...well maybe two: Abbas, the Pakistani manager who only works on Saturday nights, and a young female college student who's name I can't remember; who will leave soon to return to school in California. She's been the hardest working, most positive, sweetest person I've ever worked with. She's a conservative - which attests to her wisdom and maturity; and she thinks that Ronald Reagan is the best President America has ever had. I do too. Both she and Abbas are patriots, and we enjoyed lots of conversations about politics, school, and family. Actually, I'll miss some of the others too, even the usher who only talks about French food, Asian women, and soccer - he never shuts up, but he enjoys taking the trash out so I didn't have to. The managers and employees at the theater were OK people by me. I wish them well; and I hope that some day - maybe if Barack brings about the changes he promises, that customers will learn to be neat, respectful, and human - not like the pigs I cleaned up behind for the past ten months.

Tropic Thunder - 4 Tubs

2008-08-25T12:32:00.002-04:00

This is another loser movie that attracts those who simply want to be 'entertained'. If you need crude vulgarity to be entertained, then go see this movie - it's full of it.

There's nothing after the credits, so get out so we can clean the auditorium. For those who didn't get enough 'f*#@ this s)^!' and 'm*@#&^$-f*#@ers', there's plenty more in the credit music. As with all loser movies, (Semi-Pro, Step Brothers, Harold and Kumar, Pineapple Express, ad nauseum), body fluids, bodily sounds, and much too often - male frontal nudity is what brings the teens, college students and single black women with their four children by four different sperm donors.

Saturday afternoon we spotted four children, the oldest of which was maybe 12 years old, enter Tropic Thunder. As this is an R-rated movie, we're bound by state and federal laws to protect children from the content of these movies. Most parents who find out that their kids snuck in to see an R-rated movie would be on the phone complaining to the corporate office. Not so for these four kids' mom. We asked for their ticket stubs and they said that their mom had them. We asked them to leave the theater until their mom appeared with the tickets. When she finally came out of the bathroom, the manager asked to see the ticket stubs. She said, "What business is it of yours? in a rather rude voice. The manager replied, "I'm the manager. This is an R-rated movie and minors can't be in these movies without an adult being present with them." She then told the manager to mind his own f'ing business and get out of her mf'ing face; and walked her four illegitimate children in to watch a movie with more curse words and sexual references than anything since Step Brothers - but those kids have probably heard that and more at home, judging by the mother. The oldest daughter did appear to be ashamed of her mother's behavior, so there's hope for at least one of these kids. I hope that the oldest girl escapes and is able to lead a successful life in spite of her mom's poor parenting skills.

I'm glad this was my last weekend at the theater because I'm sick to death of customers like this bitch. ('Bitch' should be in the Bible because that's the only description that fits some people - and God knows she's a bitch, and was purposed to be a bitch before He breathed her into her mother's over-used womb). Needless to say there was a mess under those five seats after the movie was over.

In the ten months that I've worked at this theater, I've come to believe that people aren't basically good as some would claim. Most are inconsiderate, rude, and slovenly. I'm having a difficult time trying to see what Jesus loves about these people. This is the point in Tropic Thunder where Robert Downey Jr, playing a black Army sergeant, would demand, "What do you mean by 'these people?" Maybe after I've had a few months to detox I won't be so negative and judgmental...but don't hold your breath.

Step Brothers/Pineapple Express - 4 Tubs each

2008-08-11T14:45:00.003-04:00

These two movies are what I term, 'loser movies'. They're in the same gendre as Harold & Kumar, Don't Mess With the Zohan, Semi-Pro, Blades of Glory, and the upcoming Tropic Thunder. The people who are attracted to loser movies are teenagers, college students, and pedophiles. Loser movies glorify animalistic sex, suggest that marijuana will solve most, if not all, of America's problems, and pretend that depravity and vulgarity are actually funny. Obviously public school and college students think so because they don't mind plunking down the bucks to see this crap.

Saturday night at the theater, our GM walked past me shaking his head. "This is the first time that I've actually feared for our country's future." he said. I asked him what he was talking about, assuming he was talking about the gnat's breadth of difference between Obama and McCain. As it turns out, the GM was talking about the lengths our youths will go through to break the law and disobey authority in order to see movies like those mentioned above.

Earlier in the evening some teens tried to buy tickets to Step Brothers. The cashier asked for IDs and then refused to sell them tickets because they were under age. The teens came back a few minutes later and bought tickets for Hancock. The cashier was suspicious so she flagged the tickets so that the ushers could watch and make sure the kids went to the right theater. They did at first, but two minutes later walked out and entered Step Brothers. Obviously they were excited about seeing Will Ferrell rub his testicles on a drum. They were observed going in so the manager, accompanied by a police officer entered and brought them out. The manager gave them a refund and told them not to try buying R-rated tickets at our theater again. Fifteen minutes later, the same group of morons walk into the lobby and purchase tickets from the kiosk inside. They got no further than the ticket podium where the usher called the manager. The kids protested that they had legally purchased the tickets so we had to let them in. The manager gave them another refund and forbid them from coming to our theater again.

Around 11 PM, my feet were hurting so when I went into auditorium 14 to clean up behind the pigs in Pineapple Express I wanted to finish out my last hour and go home and get off my feet. Of course there were half a dozen people who insisted on staying through all the credits. With six more theaters to clean as well as the syrup room and break room, I turned on the cleaning lights so I could start cleaning. Shouts of protest erupted. "Hey man! We're watching the movie here!" greeted me as I rounded the corner and started sweeping.

"There's nothing at the end." I informed them.

"So maybe we like watching the credits. We paid big bucks to see this movie."

"Buy the DVD when it comes out and read it then. Here, the credits mean only one thing - to give you time to get out so I can clean this dump."

"I want a refund."

"I can't believe you paid to see this junk." I returned.

"Maybe we wanted to be entertained old man!" another punk spouts off.

"This isn't funny." I said. "The Three Stooges, Red Skelton, Abbott and Costello - they're funny. This is for idiots and retards." I threw the last in to piss them off.

"We could have you fired!" one sissy shouted.

"Do you think I give a damn about a job that pays $6.50 an hour? Go ahead. I've already turned in my resignation letter anyway."

The future leaders of the free world got up and stalked angrily towards the door. "This is f....'d up dude!"

The manager never came to yell at me so I guess the guys left to cry in their car. I wasn't too worried about what the managers would say. It's hard finding people to work these jobs; besides our managers are wimps.

Oh yeah, the theater was the mess I expected. Not only are our kids being dumbed down, they're not being taught responsibility at home either. We should all be very afraid.

Swing Vote - 1 Tub

2008-08-05T09:24:00.003-04:00

I give this movie only one tub because people aren't coming to see it. It's a different kind of role for Kevin Costner, but he and every member of the cast did an outstanding job to get the message of the movie out there. So it's not only a mistake for people to not come see the movie, the lack of attention it is getting is a symptom of the very subject this movie addresses. First of all, this is a funny movie, but there is so much truth buried in Swing Vote that I was blown away on the drive home last night.

I was particularly impressed that someone in Hollywood actually had a clue as to what is going on in the world today - but obviously one or two do. Swing Vote is as accurate a depiction of the American political scene as has ever been done. It could have come at no better time.

Imagine if you will a nation so evenly divided against itself that there are no black and white issues any longer - everything is gray. Kelsey Grammer plays the incumband Republican President who is concerned with leaving a legacy he can be remembered by - as if being President isn't enough. Dennis Hopper is the Democratic nominee who is in a dead heat match up against his opponent. Both candidates are managed by handlers who are less concerned about what is best for the nation, but about winning the election and furthering their own political futures. Both are qualified, both got into politics because they thought they could make a difference, but find themselves in a system where you can't tell the difference between the two parties any longer. Sound like anything happening in the world today?

Throw in the average American - an apathetic unemployed drunk who thinks only of himself and his daughter. Kevin Costner, as Bud Johnson, represents the 50 percent of Americans who never show up at the polls. He doesn't have a clue what's going on outside his own little world. Then there's daughter Molly who represents the children who will inherit the world we give them. She cares, she's involved, but she has no voice - only the hope that her father will care enough to make her world better. She even has to vote for him because he's too drunk to show up at the polls. There's even one member of the media who has morals and character but is torn between doing what it takes to advance her career or hold on to her ethics.

When it turns out that the country is so divided that the decision is left to one vote in one insignificant town in an insignificant county in a state with only 5 electoral votes, both candidates descend on Texico, New Mexico to convince Bud to give them his vote. Whatever the media shows that Bud might care about, each candidate suddenly adopts that stance: the Republicans turn their back on corporate donors to protect a river and make the Sierra Club happy; Democrats suddenly take an anti-abortion stance. They send celebrities to campaign for them; they throw parties and offer gifts and make promises neither has the intention or ability to keep.

When the future of America rides on the vote of one person, suddenly people start getting involved. Bud is innundated by mail and gifts, asking him to speak for the common man. Unfortunately, he's too busy enjoying the handouts that he doesn't even realize that people are depending on him. Only Molly takes the time to read and to respond and to offer hope to people who've lost hope in our leadership.

At the last minute Bud listens to his daughter and takes his responsibilities seriously. He calls for a debate to allow each candidate, both of whom he's become fond of and who, by this time have come to realize that they've lost touch with their own values. The two candidates for the most powerful nation on earth are brought to an outdoor rodeo arena to tell why they are the best qualified to lead our nation. But first Bud has to come to grips with his own culpability. Bud apologizes to the country for not following his dreams, for not taking advantage of the many, many chances he had been afforded in life because he was born here. He apologizes for never serving, never giving back to the nation that had given him so much. And rather than ask his own questions about issues he really is not intelligent about, he asks questions from the people who've written him asking him to speak for them...the poor, those taken advantage of, those who've done the best that they can but still can't support their families even in the richest country on earth.

The following day as Bud and Molly walk into the voting center, Bud turns around and smiles at Molly before pulling the curtain and casting his vote. Apparently what he heard had given him peace about whom he should vote for. I wish it were that simple for us, that we were engaged and that we cared enough and were confident about the person we are going to elect this November.

It would behoove our two candidates running for office this year to watch Swing Vote and to take an honest look at themselves and determine whether they still have a grasp on what they stand for and whether they have the future of our nation as their number one priority. At some point I'm sure that both candidates were sure about their values and their vision and their ability to lead. They aren't evil men, just men overwhelmed by the complexity of the problems facing our nation; who don't really have the best advisors around them who share their vision for our nation. It would be nice for Senators McCain and Obama to walk into that office bound, not to party affiliation, but to the American ideal that is bigger than the Office of the President, bigger than the voters, bigger than free markets and social reforms. As Molly said in her social studies presentation, that if we don't do the right things now, we're doomed to go the way of all great cultures, doomed to bondage and insignificance.

Swing Vote doesn't pick sides, doesn't answer the most burning social issues; but what it does is to cause us to think about how we can "make a better country by being active changers and refusing to be passive observers... not just for ourselves, but for future generations" (Efrain Gomez - Hollywood Jesus).

It's Time to Hang Up the Broom

2008-07-28T09:19:00.003-04:00

I've decided to call it quits at the theater at the end of August. That means that soon I won't be able to inform and entertain you on this blog. I know the world will be deeply disappointed...all 14 of you who view my blog on a regular basis:).

I started this blog as a commentary on people who come to be entertained at my theater. At first I was horrified that so many people hadn't been raised to clean up after themselves. Then I became incensed as I understood that many people today have this entitlement attitude that simply because you pay to see a movie, you've got the right to desecrate property that doesn't belong to you. I especially resented hearing people say to their partners that it was ok to leave their trash because we (ushers) get paid to clean up their mess.

Last night I watched "Last Vacation" on TV with one of my daughters. In the movie, Queen Latifa played a woman who worked in the retail business serving the customers. She was really good at her job, even if she wasn't appreciated by her manager. After finding out that she had a terminal disease and had only three weeks to live, Queen withdrew her life savings and decided to go out with a bang, flying to Europe to stay at a ritzy hotel she'd only dreamed about in her 'possibilities' scrapbook. While there, Queen attracted the admiration of both guests and staff by her gracious manner. When she observed hotel employees being verbally abused by a guest, she confronted that guest and told her that she had no right to curse and abuse the person who was trying to make her stay as nice as possible; that just because someone is paid to serve you doesn't mean that they aren't human too, or that they don't have dreams just as big as your own, or that their circumstances may not be as favorable as your own and they're doing the best they can for those they love.

I don't know how many more 'reviews' I'll do in the remaining month I'm working at the theater. It really does become tiring to write the same stuff over and over; and it can become depressing to see so many who have so little regard for others. It's been nine months, longer than I thought I'd last; and I can't say it's been fun. But I do have more respect for those who are 'beneath' my social status. Whether it's students who are just learning what it is like to earn their own money, or disabled but functional people who need to feel productive, to people like myself who needed to earn extra money because we're taking care of sick children or paying off Uncle Sam for taxes we didn't know we owed; theater employees, waiters/ waitresses, people in retail, customer support, and all service industries are deserving of respect and kindness. There is no amount of money that justifies bad behaviour. More importantly, treating others with respect and kindness makes you a better person. You might not see yourself as an ungrateful, unappreciative, and slovenly pig; but what you do and what you fail to do speaks volumes about your character...even if it's just taking your trash with you when you leave the theater; or standing a little closer to the urinal and squatting a little closer to the toilet seat.

Whether or not Hollywood continues to turn out drivel disguised as entertainment, I hope that you will be mindful of those who do their best to make your experience the best it can be. It's OK to complain about a messy bathroom or that the auditorium is too cold or too loud, but please do so in a pleasant way. You'll see a vast difference in the response you get when you treat that usher or concession employee with respect. You'll make their job more enjoyable and they will try harder and everyone wins.

I guess the thing I'll miss most, other than my political discussions with my Muslim friend, are the free movie passes. I don't think I'll pay to see as many movies as I did before I became an employee - there just aren't that many good movies worth the time and expense. But if they'll continue to turn out movies like The Bucket List, The Dark Knight, Mama Mia, and stories that inspire and make me want to be a better person, I'll plop down the $9.00 for a ticket and I'll spend $11 on concessions to help the theater meet their payroll. And I'll always take my trash with me when I leave.

Mama Mia! - 5 Tubs

2008-07-25T09:50:00.002-04:00

I hated cleaning this auditorium, but the movie was fantastic! But first, the down and dirty: women, for the most part middle-aged and overweight, trashed my theater and rest rooms last weekend as they flocked to see this movie starring Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth and others in a big-screen adaptation of the Broadway play Mama Mia!

Large tubs of popcorn and plastic Dasani bottles littered the floors, while both trash receptacles overflowed (which is a good thing because many people did take their trash with them). Perhaps the amount of overturned popcorn could be attributed to the laughter and the clapping at the end of the movie - well deserved applause for one of the best feel-good movies of the year.

If there was anything I didn't enjoy about the movie, it was Pierce Brosnan. I can only assume that he was cast in his role because he ages well and needed the work. He certainly can't sing, and Simon would have embarrassed him had he tried out for American Idol. Despite the painful croaks emmitted by Brosnan, the rest of the cast did a great job. The location was beautiful, and the music perfect. I had to listen to my Abba CD on the way to work this morning.

I hate to admit this, but there was a moment when Meryl Streep was reminiscing about her daughter growing up that a tear rolled down my cheek too as my daughter is a rising senior this year and will be off on her great adventures sooner than I'm ready to let her go. Fortunately, I sat near the front and there was no one close enough to see me swipe away the tear. Any movie that can bring me to tears or to burst out laughing as I did in Mama Mia! is worth the price of the ticket, even if I didn't have to pay to see this movie.

The Dark Knight - 6 Tubs

2008-07-22T13:35:00.003-04:00

Normally I would limit the filthiness of a theater auditorium to 5 tubs, but with the crowds that The Dark Knight are drawing, I must bump it up there with the biggest landfill you can find.

I loved the movie; it was better than Batman Begins, and yes, Heath Ledger does deserve an Oscar for his role as the Joker. It did push the envelope for destruction for destruction's sake, but compared to what they turn out now for 'horror movies', Batman was realistic. I liked Harvey Dent, Bruce Wayne, and I couldn't hate the Joker and kind of regret that Ledger can't bring him back in a future movie...but to be honest, what I experienced from the movie wasn't so much the film itself, but the evil hoards who flocked to see it and trashed my theater in the process. After all, this blog is about how theater patrons leave the theater, not about the movies themselves.

I won't go into gruesome detail about how many tubs of popcorn, cups of soda, chicken bones, watermelon rinds, and condoms were left in the theater. It was terrible and we filled four dumpters in one day on the refuse from this movie. What I want to talk about is the movie fans.

A few months ago I would have been able to find $2-5 under the seats at the end of the movie. The most I've found in one day was $13 in quarters after "Step Up To The Streets 2". But since gas prices have risen and the way that it has affected everything else, the theater business is starting to feel the affects too. You, as a customer might see an increase in ticket or concession prices. As an usher, I've found that most theater goers are paying for their entertainment with plastic. Granted, many might be using a debit card to pay for their movies and concessions, but some are charging the cost and making payments month after month. And although The Dark Knight was sold out almost every show, I was unable to come up with more than $.57 for the entire weekend.

Let me make my point a little better. The Dark Knight did over $150Million on opening weekend. People are still coming to the movies when there is something worth watching (which isn't often). And people are still buying the big tub of popcorn, the large sodas, and they're still allowing the concessionists to upsell them candy and ice cream; but they're paying for it with credit cards. People are feeling the crunch, but they're not quite ready to alter their lifestyles...at least until they've maxed out their credit cards.

If I were a theater owner, and if I believed that oil prices were going to continue to climb and that it is only a matter of time before people started cutting back on unnecessary things like movies and dining out, then I would be worried about the upcoming holiday season when the second round of 'block-busters' are due out. The Dark Knight is an anomaly as far as movies in 2008. The money the theater is going to make on this movie is rapidly dwindling, so I really hope Hollywood has something else big coming up soon or you're going to see some theater sell-offs or start seeing theaters keep movies longer and not show every new release that comes their way.

I know none of this gives you an idea of what The Dark Knight is like; just go see the movie - it's worth the money. But if the only way you can afford to see the movie is to use your credit card, cut that thing up and wait for it to come to TV in three or four years. Maybe by then we'll have drilled and refined some oil and you won't have to mortgage your house to take the family out to a movie.

Hancock - 5 Tubs

2008-07-02T10:50:00.002-04:00

OK, same old story: large tubs of popcorn and large cups of soda are barely touched and end up left in and under the seats. There's a growing trend at our theater. Patrons are putting so much butter on their popcorn that it leaks through the bags and the tub onto their pants/dresses. What happens next is that they will place said soggy paper products on the floor where the buttery topping (not real butter) soaks into the concrete making the aisle a dangerous place to walk. Again, parents are trying to drown their kids in buttery topping. The new seasoned salt containers aren't selling that well, and that's OK with us - less to sweep up. Hancock is one of the summer blockbusters, so it's going to be filthy. Be patient, when we're done cleaning it you'll see us exit with a 400 gallon trash container filled from the previous patrons.

Hancock is a great movie in that it addresses what most of us would like to see in a super hero: someone who doesn't give a shit about how other people think of him. I particularly enjoyed the scene where the boy called Hancock an asshole and got knocked so high he didn't come down for two minutes. Don't you know that a real super hero gets tired of people who can't do what he does telling him how to do it? I mean, do you take health advice from an auto mechanic? I'd like to have seen Hancock toss Congress into outer space, along with Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, George Soros and other evil entities that plague our world. And if I were a super hero, I'd not be sleeping on a park bench. I'd sleep anywhere I wanted, eat when and what I wanted, choose who I helped and who I screwed around with, and just have a great old time. I missed my calling in life:

Go see the movie, have fun, and please take your trash with you.

2008-07-01T09:25:00.002-04:00

Created by OnePlusYou

Some people think I'm too cynical and irreverant. They're probably right, but it's more fun than writing boring reviews about something as stupid as movies. Still, it's not like I'm vulgar or anything. I just rate a 'Darn-It', not even an 'Asshole' - something I've been called numerous times.

Of course, this doesn't make me a saint. It just means that there are a lot of filthy people on the Internet and that I'm a wus compared to some of the jerk-offs here.

Wall.E - 5 Tubs

2008-06-30T10:19:00.003-04:00

When someone says to me, "I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?" I'll always say, "Give me the bad news first." I like happy endings. So let me start this review by giving you the bad news first.

Wall.E is a story about an Earth that has been destroyed by humans who have all left to live on a space platform, leaving behind a single robot to clean it up before the humans can return. Wall.E (short for Waste Allocation Load Lifter - Earth class) goes around and sweeps up all the trash and debris and stores it in huge landfills. Useful items he warehouses for later use. Basically, Wall.E assumes the stewardship of the Earth that God created man to perform. The bad news is that the brats and sperm and egg donors who created them didn't learn anything from watching the movie. They treated my theater the way the humans treated the Earth. Like Wall.E, I clean up behind human pigs disguised as movie goers. Unlike Wall.E who does his job without complaining, I take upon myself the huge burden of being the conscience of humankind. Despite many claims to the contrary, I've found that most movie goers are not only slovenly, they're liars too. Everyone I've met says that they always take their trash with them: blacks, whites, Asians, maybe Hispanics - I can't tell because they don't speak English. But somebody is leaving the mountains of trash I have to haul out of the theater after every showing. So, as your conscience, stop lying, stop sneaking in outside food and drink because you're cheap and dishonest, and take your stinking trash to the trash receptacles located by the door through which you entered the auditorium.

Now on to the good news. Wall.E is a movie about relationships. Despite being a robot, Wall.E develops a character and personality. He's lonely, inquisitive, nostalgic, romantic. His only companion is a cockroach; one of those creations we wish God had left off the Ark. When another robot lands unexpectedly on Earth, Wall.E falls in love at first sight. Her name is, appropriately, Eve; and Eve at first plays hard to get. Wall.E tries to win the other robot's attention by showing off all the treasures he's salvaged. One of those treasures is a small plant that Wall.E has saved and nurtured in an old boot. When Eve accepts the plant, her systems appear to shut down and Wall.E begins to think that he's the reason she's taken ill. Wall.E uses umbrellas and trash cans to protect Eve from the elements. He puts her in the front of his cart as he paddles through the muck and mire, trying to show show her the grandeur of what used to be. He dresses her with lights at Christmas and sits by her side pining away, longing for the chance to hold her hand.

When a spaceship arrives and loads Eve into the ship, Wall.E rushes to be with her. Unable to get onboard before blast off, Wall.E clings to the outside of the ship, refusing to let go despite being pelted by satellites and other space debris floating in Earth's orbit. Once beyond our gravitational pull, Wall.E marvels at the beauty of Creation in the cosmos. And when the ship arrives at the space station, occupied by obese, spoiled humans, who are pampered and taken care of by armies of robots, Wall.E follows Eve to protect her and to be with her. When Eve is thought to be defective and sent to robot rehab, Wall.E follows and meets other rejects and in his own humanity shows them that they are each special and that they have something to contribute still. This is a movie about selflessness, friendship and love and going to the ends of the universe to be with the person you care about. It's what being human is all about...but we've somehow forgotten as we've learned to put ourselves first rather than others and this beautiful planet we've been given to take care of.

Is there a happy ending? Will the humans get back to Earth and do a better job taking care of her than they did in the beginning? You'll have to watch the movie to find out. And while you're at it, how about having some respect for yourself by not buying more than you can consume; and respect for the ushers who clean up after you by disposing of your trash when you leave the movie?

The Happening - 3 Tubs

2008-06-19T09:44:00.005-04:00

I'm not too disappointed at the condition of the theater after this movie, but I'm very disappointed at the movie itself. The previews looked great; the movie, a waste of nine bucks. After The Village and Lady in the Water, I'd hoped that M. Night Shyamalan would return to his roots and give us a great story with a twist. There was no twist, and the story was boring. The only evil you see is wind blowing through the trees and bushes. People jumping off buildings or laying down in front of lawn mowers, or landscapers hanging from street lights isn't terrifying. The Happening is as much a disappointment as The Strangers - a movie I won't even comment on since no one is coming to see it; and rightfully so.

Shyamalan usually tries to bring out faith and humanity in his movies. Mark Walburg did OK showing emotion in this movie, but his co-star Zooey Deschanel looked straight out of the silent movie era with her forced facial expressions. I suspect that Shyamalan has a thing for her because he loved doing closeups of her face. Night also does his cameo as a dinner date with Zooey's character. Anyway, whatever Shyamalan was trying to accomplish, it didn't work. I wasn't the only one disappointed in the film; most of the people I overhead exiting the auditorium expressed their disappointment as well.

On the positive side, the theater was easy to clean after the movie, except for a couple of fat ladies who struggled but failed at shoving handfulls of popcorn into their mouths. I've seen babboons do the same thing with food. They'll try to get everything in their hands into their mouths. The cheeks will bulge like Jiffy Pop bags about to explode. The babboons do this because they're afraid somethings going to steal their food if they don't consume it immediately. These women each had a tub of popcorn and were in no danger of being poached upon by other movie goers. If they had eaten like humans, there would have been more popcorn in their bellies than on the floor.

The Incredible Hulk - 4 Tubs

2008-06-19T08:53:00.002-04:00

This is an adult children's movie, thus the trash is like that you'd find at a Disney movie, with the addition of wine and vodka bottles. As with Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk attracts freaks, geeks, and rednecks; many of whom have to raise the arm rests on either side of their seats in order to park their oversized butts...or to make room for the tub of popcorn, which will usually tip over and spill behind the seats providing a feast for the roaches and ants that frequent our fine theater. Here's a hint - there are no sneak previews at the end of the credits in this movie like there was in Iron Man. The sneak peak comes at the end of the movie where it belongs where Tony Stark approaches a drunken William Hurt to discuss putting a team together.
It is pitiful that grown children will sit watching credits and seriously discuss fiction disguised as science, like the Hulk's regenerative DNA and the effect of gamma radiation in his blood when it comes in contact with the DNA of a foreign host. Folks, the stuff you read in those comic books isn't science, it's fiction! That's the beauty of fiction - you can write what you want and it doesn't have to be believable or even make sense.

Along the same lines, there are no rogue generals in our military who is capable of building a tactical team with the latest and greatest toys and who can work outside the sytem in order to create chaos and mayhem on our citizens. As a 24 year member of the military, I can assure you that all that manpower and equipment comes at a cost and that the purse strings are controlled by civilians. A general might get a $400 toilet seat or a $2,000 wrench through the logistical system, but not futuristic equipment like sound cannons and some of the other military equipment you see in the movie. Remember, this stuff was built by Stark Industries, another Marvel enterprise. The military hasn't perfected an armored flying suit for their soldiers either.

Come on, if your education in science comes from a comic book - you're pitiful. Put down the comics and spend the time at your local community college getting a reality check. Watch Fox news and intelligently discuss politics with your liberal friends. Heck, take your wife out to dinner and try having an intelligent conversation with her for a change.

I enjoyed The Hulk - much better than the last one. It's great to see Marvel include the original stars in their movies: Lou Ferigno - who again plays a security guard and provides the voice of The Hulk; and Bill Bixby who appears in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father". I wasn't paying enough attention to notice where Stan Lee was in the movie. Ed Norton did a great job as David Banner. I did a fantastic job taking my trash out when the movie ended...and I didn't stay to watch the stupid credits - wait for the DVD if you really need to know that information.

Another Look at Horton Hears a Who

2008-06-10T09:28:00.003-04:00

I didn't particularly care for this movie, especially because the kids trashed my theater and took years off the usefulness of my poor aching feet. However, there is a sort of spiritual side to the movie that deserves another look.

Here is the synopsis of the movie: "An imaginative elephant named Horton hears a faint cry for help coming from a tiny speck of dust floating through the air. Although Horton doesn’t know it yet, that speck houses an entire city named Who-ville, inhabited by the microscopic Whos, led by the Mayor. Despite being ridiculed and threatened by his neighbors, who think he has lost his mind, Horton is determined to save the particle--because “a person’s a person, no matter how small.” Horton’s eight-word explanation for his actions embodies an idea both simple and profound, and which means so much, to so many. Horton explains to his skeptical friends: “If you were way out in space, and you looked down at where we live, we would look like a speck.” Then there’s Horton’s code--his motto--that, “an elephant’s faithful 100 percent”--pointing to his honesty and determination to never abandon his mission to find a new home for the speck that houses the incredible world of Who-ville." (taken from Hollywood.com)

Imagine if the Earth were that speck of dust, trapped inside a solar system which is a tiny part of a galaxy of stars, one of hundreds of billions of stars in the cosmos. That is our reality. We live on a beautiful blue marble, the only inhabited rock in our solar system. We're not the center of Creation. We're not even the center of our solar system. If we were able to look at the Milky Way, the Earth would be a tiny speck in one of the outer bands of the swirling mass. Scientists tell us that the universe - the millions of galaxies in the entire cosmos is 10 billion lightyears in radius. But even then this is only an estimation based on how long it takes for the light to reach us from the oldest known stars. To give you a perspective of how tiny we are in the universe we live in, it would take 980,000 earths to fit inside our sun. The light from our sun only takes 8 minutes to reach us. The Earth is 93 million miles from the sun. If we were going to drive to the sun, we'd have to drive at 93 miles per hour for one million hours (about 115 years factoring in bathroom breaks). Now imagine our solar system about 80% away from the center of our galaxy. The Milky Way galaxy is about 100,000 light years in diameter and about 1,000 light years thick. There are about 200 billion stars in our galaxy alone. This gives you a perspective as to how similar the Earth is to Who-ville!

We're really impressed with the vastness and the beauty of Creation. In fact, man devotes a lot of research and money at understanding our place in the cosmos. But most of us spend our time looking down at the earth beneath our feet. We're focussed on our own dreams and challenges. We worry about our future and expend most of our energy attempting to control our own little portion of our world.

I'm not trying to make you think we're small. We are small. We are but a mote of dust in all of God's Creation. The thing is, we matter to Him. But unlike Horton who can only hear the cries of help from the citizens of Who-ville, God is with us. The star-breathing God who created everything that is, took the time to knit each and every one of us so that no two of us are exactly alike. He talks to us, if we will listen. He shows us how much He loves us in the beauty of nature. He will even live inside us if we ask Him. But most of the time we're only interested in His helping hand to get us out of our messes.

Only by viewing ourselves in the vastness of Creation can we truly understand our need for someone who's big enough to handle things that are beyond our control. Thank God there is a God we can depend on 100% of the time, who is willing to go to extraordinary lengths on our behalf. We should all be as appreciative of God as the citizens of Who-ville were of Horton once they learned there was someone bigger than they were.

Sluts And the City - 5 Tubs

2008-06-02T11:50:00.003-04:00

Did I say that? OK, I get it that millions of SATC fans are going to get mad at me, but this is my blog and I'm just reporting the facts; this chick flick attracts pigs and - according to my theater manager, bitches. I didn't personally run into any bitches, but I did bitch about the mess the women made in my theater.

The funny thing about SATC is that it attracted groups of women - a girls-night-out kind of thing. And these girls came dressed to party. Each woman had to look better than the rest of the girls she was coming with. And they brought their cute little wine bottles and sipped from theater courtesy cups...and left the bottles under their seats. There were 25 bottles under seven seats. I hope they brought a designated driver.

Like the women in the movie, most of the women coming to see SATC are less than attractive and only sexy because men will sleep with anything that will lie still long enough. None of the actresses in this movie are sexy - least of all Sarah Jessica Parker. She bears a strong resemblance to the witch that was crushed under the house in the Wizard of Oz. But Hollywood is great at creating fiction and getting people to accept it as fact. What is a fact is that the SATC fans left a lot of trash in my theater, on purpose of course. It used to be that 'chick-flicks' were relatively clean because women would only buy a small popcorn and a bottle of water. Now they're buying the large combos and supplementing them with a little wine and a bag of candy from Target next door.

One of the managers, a devout Muslim, shook his head in disgust upon seeing so many women lined up at the concession stand. "These women," he whispered to me, 'these women - they are liberal women! They don't care how they look in public! They dress like sluts! They should name this movie "Sluts And the City"." When he helped us clean the theater after these liberal women left, his opinion was only reinforced. "Why are American women such bitches!?" I laughed and told him that he ought to have to clean the women's bathroom. The mere thought of sanitary napkins overflowing the trash cans caused him to pull out his prayer mat.

Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-05-27T11:58:00.002-04:00

I don't know how Harrison Ford does it. He's certainly looking his age in the movie; a far cry from the sexy Han Solo in Star Wars. It is said that Ford did a lot of his own stunts in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I doubt he really made that trip in the refrigerator thrown miles by a nuclear blast. I even doubt that he swung on that whip and ended up in the front seat of the deuce-in-half. I suspect that he spent more time in a cast chair with his name on it. At least that's how I would do it if I were the star of this movie.

Despite Indy falling short of Hollywood's expectations over the weekend, lots of people still came out to trash my theater. Opening the movie on Memorial Day weekend may not have been the brightest idea with so many people traveling, but for those of us who couldn't afford the rising gas costs and stayed close to home, coming to a theater must have seemed like a good way to avoid working around the house. The film grossed $126M opening on May 22nd for the extended holiday weekend.

Three people called in last night, making me the only usher. Fortunately for the theater I am the best usher they have. Still, my feet hurt so much by the time I got off last night that I had to walk on the sides of my feet from the car to my house. They hurt this morning. Getting old sucks! Forget about running down steps that are collapsing around you, I had trouble walking down the steps with five soda cups and two tubs of uneaten popcorn in my arms.

According to my odometer, I walked the equivalent of 5 miles at work last night. I remember when I could run 5 miles. I wonder if Harrison needed to put his feet up for a few days after making Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He probably had someone to massage his feet. Maybe I'll suggest the theater hire feet massagers at this Saturday's employee meeting. It will be dismissed like my last suggestion to purchase plastic bags that won't leak all over the carpets. Rumor has it that Ford is reprising his Jack Ryan role, much like Sylvester Stallone came back with another Rocky (which was good) and Rambo (which wasn't) movie. Perhaps they're going through male menopause. If so, I'll join them. I'm thinking of going back into the Army so I can march twenty miles a day.

Stars of Hope

2008-05-19T09:29:00.003-04:00

This past week we started our annual Stars of Hope campaign to raise money for four charities, including the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. We're asking movie goers to contribute $1 towards these charities. The corporate goal is a minimum of 1 percent of gross ticket sales, something very attainable. We ask donors to write their names on these stars and then we place them on the walls down both ends of our theater. It would be nice to line both hallways on both sides with red, white, and gold (corporate sponsors) stars. Here are my observations from working the box office over the weekend:

Most people say no when asked if they'd like to contribute a dollar to the Stars for Hope campaign. Probably 95% of the people asked say no. Of those who said yes, most were young and middle aged couples. The ones who said no most often were senior citizens and college students. High school kids said yes more than college students, which is understandable if they were using their parents money to go to the movies and college students might actually have to work their way through college.

Military gets the highest marks. Every person that showed a military ID card to me said yes when asked. Maybe it's something to do with giving back to the nation. I was very proud of my fellow active duty and retired veterans this weekend.:)

People who bought multiple tickets tended to donate where single movie goers tended not to.

A handful of people complained about being asked to donate a dollar when they'd already paid $9 to get into the movie. Some told us to take it out of the cost of the ticket. These are people you'd just as soon God didn't bless anymore until they learn a lesson in humility. It's perfectly fine to say no. You're not forced to give, it's just something the theater is trying to do to help the community. It's another thing to complain about actually doing something that will benefit someone other than yourself. You see, going to a movie is not a necessity. You can go your whole life and never need to see a movie. Going to a theater is about entertainment. It's a treat you give yourself; it's a two hour escape from reality.

Going to movies is a self-serving act. Charity is about serving someone else. You're paying at least $9 on yourself, but you're not willing to spend a dollar to help someone else. That's selfish. Sure, you might give to your church or to the Red Cross or the spotted-owl protection fund. You'll give the government up to half of your income in taxes (grudgingly of course). You'll pay almost $4.o0 for a gallon of gas and drive just as much as you did when it was $2.00 per gallon. It's all choices.

Maybe $1 is too much. Maybe 95% of the people come to the conclusion that they've given enough and what they have left they're going to give to people who can do something for them - like entertain them. And that's fine. I don't expect everyone to donate; I'm just asking that you don't complain because we asked you to give a little more. Just say 'no thanks' if you've given your fair share. If everyone gives their fair share, there won't be hungry children living in trash dumps in Iraq and Africa and China. If everyone gives their fair share than there won't be poverty and inner city kids will have a camp they can go to to escape the concrete jungles we build around them.

I have no strong feelings about any of the charities that Stars of Hope benefit, but I had a couple of dollars in my pocket that weren't needed, so there's a star in the name of my daughter and one in the name of my fiance because these are the people I work two jobs for. I honor them by giving a little bit to help someone else. It's not like I could have bought anything at the theater with the dollar anyway.

Speed Racer - 4 Tubs

2008-05-14T16:09:00.002-04:00

Save your money, watch the cartoon on TV. The studios blew $100 million on this loser. Hollywood has set the graphics and special effects bar way too high for people to be satisfied with this animae film. Wait for the DVD. Save your $9 bucks and the $20 for candy and popcorn. Enough said.

Red Belt - 0 Tubs

2008-05-14T15:24:00.004-04:00

Many years ago, I was very much into the martial arts. I studied Tae Kwon Do while stationed in Asmara, Ethiopia; though I only earned a yellow belt before moving on to more exciting things like hanging out at the club at night. The first night in class the instructor had the new guys punching the concrete walls. If you did it right, it hurt; if you did it wrong, you broke your hand. We did that for a couple of weeks before he started teaching us how to fall when struck. Our sensei struck us often. We learned how to fall for about a month before he decided it was time to start teaching us how to defend ourselves. By this time I was disenchanted with my skinny body and lack of upper body strength. Forget knuckle pushups, I was lucky to do them the normal way. Simultaneously with learning Tae Kwon Do, I started taking fencing classes because they were on alternating nights. After a few weeks my TKD instructor found out that I was doing both martial arts and told me I'd have to choose. Fencing develops the leg muscles differently than what is needed in TKD. Rather than lunging, TKD required flexibility and the ability to do high spinning back kicks. I decided to give up fencing because there wasn't much liklihood I'd be attacked by someone with a sword. The odds were much greater that I'd be attacked by a gang of Ethiopian street thugs on the way home at night, so TKD it was.

I saw the best of the best back then: Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Joe Lewis - the US kick-boxing champ, Ed Parker, Dan Inosanto, Jhoon Rhee, and others. Of course most people have never heard of some of these fighters. The reason I enjoyed Red Belt is because it is the most realistic martial arts film I've ever seen. There are no floating kicks or punching someone through walls or getting back up when you're hit in the head with numchucks. Other than Bruce Lee, who was one of a kind, most martial arts fights I witnessed were more grappling and feinting, where one fighter wasn't able to strike whenever and wherever he wished. Often it is hard to keep up with the struggle and to determine why one opponent receives a point for striking the other opponent.

Red Belt is about a martial arts instructor who refuses to compete. He believes that competition weakens a person. He taught students to become fighters, not competitors. Although some of the scenes fail to connect to the plot of the story, and while it's obvious that this was a low budget film, even with stars like Tim Allen, Max Martini (from The Unit on CBS), Chiwetel Ejiofor - the jiu-jitsu master, and other recognizable character actors; the authenticity of this film is what makes it work. Even the filming of the fight scene at the end of the movie leaves the viewer wondering who is hitting whom. In the end, Ejiofor (Mike Terry) remains a fighter, not a competitor, and receives the highest honor from his mentor - the Professor.

I gave Red Belt zero tubs because no one is coming to see the movie; and that's unfortunate. I was the only person in the auditorium last night. Of course, it was Tuesday night and our week nights are very slow. At least the usher didn't have to clean up behind me. I took my trash, including any popcorn that had fallen onto the floor with me when I left the theater. I am Theater Usher.

Made of Honor - 4 Tubs

2008-05-07T15:38:00.003-04:00

I know I'm going to get hate-mail, but IMHO the reason that Made of Honor deserves its 4-tub rating is because most of the women coming to see Patrick Dempsey are porkers. The same thing happened with that Natalie Portman period piece about Henry Vth or the 8th or whatever it was. Although Dempsey portrayed a 'player' in the movie, he wouldn't give these fans a second glance.

Enough about the trash: Made of Honor is a decent movie. What makes it good is that Dempsey's character, when faced with losing someone he's taken for granted, realizes that she's the best thing in his life. Hannah (Michelle Monaghan), who's used to Tom's one-night flings finally finds herself in love and gets engaged to Irish royalty. In the process of Tom trying to sabotage the wedding, Hannah realizes that Tom is more than her best friend and MOH, but also in love with him.

It's a fun movie to watch, a bitch to clean up. Could be worse: the guys over in Iron Man would like Made of Honor too if they saw it.

Iron Man - 4 Tubs

2008-05-05T09:13:00.004-04:00

What can I say? You'd think that a movie that has attracted mostly adults, albeit - males, would not look as though the auditorium had just gone through several kid's birthday pinata parties all at the same time. It's embarrassing to be a man!

What's more embarrassing is the number of men who're still reading comic books and know who Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. are; and not only that, but to get as excited over the sequel as they are over their Winston Cup driver winning the Daytona 500. Being a careful observer of movie-goers, Iron Man attracts geeks, freaks, dykes, and red-necks. If you're one of those, you'll enjoy the movie. If you read above an 8th grade level you'll get more from Harold & Kumar - Escape from Guantanemo (not really - it's a stupid movie; but you get my point).

My biggest peeve about Iron Man is the 30 second clip at the very end of the movie. As my pastor pointed out, Hollywood doesn't have a clue as to what theaters need. Putting this clip after 8 minutes of credits is not only a disservice to the Iron Man fans, but it means that the ushers can't start cleaning the theater until these adult children have vacated the auditorium. Opening weekend saw lines forming outside the three auditoriums before the credits started. Fans that arrive early for a good seat have to wait an additional 15-20 minutes while we clean up after the pigs who came to the earlier showing. The wait, had Hollywood cared, would have been much less if they had inserted the Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) clip at the end of the movie rather than at the end of the credits. Here's where I save you fans 12 minutes of wasted time: Tony Stark arrives home to find an intruder (Nick Fury) standing at his window. Fury says, "I am Iron Man!"...do you think that you're the only super hero out there?" Who the hell are you, Stark asks. Fury steps into the light so you can see Samuel L Jackson with eye patch and says, "Nick Fury. I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger initiative.", thus setting up the sequel.

Iron Man is a pretty good action movie to kick off the summer blockbuster season. It scored big at the box office with over $100M opening weekend. Coming next are: Narnia - Prince Caspian, Speed Racer, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hancock, and not least - Batman - The Dark Knight starring Heath Ledger and setting up for Batman vs Superman. Just think of the landfills we're going to fill this summer!

Baby Mama - 2 Tubs

2008-04-29T11:11:00.004-04:00

Baby Mama is a hard title to say. People ask for Baby's Mama, My Baby's Mama, Mama Baby, etc. Why they chose to go with Ebonics to choose a title when there's only one black actor in the movie is beyond me. Surprisingly, this is a pretty good movie. My daughter and I laughed our butts off on Friday night; then on Saturday when I had to clean the theater I was pleasantly surprised that only a handful of people had left their trash in their seats. This is even more surprising because the movie has attracted all sorts of people: white, black, young, old, women, men, singles & couples. It's not an Oscar's qualifier (not that the stuff that does get nominated are deserving) but it's entertaining; and that's what going to a movie is all about. My favorite line was from the biological mom on her way to the delivery room responding to a stupid question about how she was doing; her response: "It feels like I'm shitting knives!". I think that sums it up pretty descriptively for most mothers.

What does this movie say about our culture today? Well, it tackles surrogate parenting and designer babies. Should couples, or single women for that matter, be able to choose donor traits to custom design their babies? This is a big deal for those in the gay community and infertile couples who would like to raise their own children. One California surrogacy and egg donation center has helped over 400 couples and individuals since 2003 realize their dream of becoming a parent. There are 55 babies due some time this year from this one clinic alone.

It's a profitable business too. The agency may require a retainer from $9-12K, plus $25K compensation for the surrogage mom, plus $5K for pharmacy, plus c-section and delivery costs, $250 per week for bed rest, $250 per week for a low income surrogate mom (I don't understand this one when you're giving them $25,000 to carry your baby. The fees go on and on. In Baby Mama, the agency fees were $100K; and as the mother-to-be pointed out, "It costs more to have someone born than it does to have them killed!" It takes longer too.

My last wife and I did pretty good turning out my youngest daughter. Not only does she have our DNA, or rather in spite of having our DNA, she's both beautiful and intelligent. It only cost us $5,000 and the insurance paid half of that. Of course, I've been pretty fertile myself, sireing five children. For those who can't have children biologically and who don't want to consider adopting some one else's children, designer babies might be the way to go. On the other hand it sounds a little like what Hitler tried to do when he wanted to create the ultimate race. Hollywood, as usual, provides a shallow Utopian viewpoint, but the full implications might not be realized in our lifetimes....now if we could extract the gene that causes slovenliness and irresponsibility, we might end up with a better world.

Too Busy!!!!!

2008-04-21T12:59:00.002-04:00

I've been so busy at my 'real' job that I haven't had time to post any reviews lately. That, and I was gone for awhile to visit my fiance in Omaha. That was way more fun than cleaning theaters.

Another reason that I haven't written in awhile is that there hasn't been anything worth you paying $9-12 to go see. Weekdays we only sell between 200-300 tickets for the entire day. Weekends we're somewhere around 1500-2000 per day. Normally a weekend would net 3,000 and up per Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Even before the writer's strike Hollywood was struggling to get people to the movies; things are not improving with time.

The movies to watch out for this summer are: Iron Man, Narnia - Prince Caspian, Batman, Wall-E, and the new Indiana Jones movies. It may not be a big hit, but M Night Shyamalan, The Happening is a movie I'm looking forwards to. The theater is already gearing up to hire an additional 20 employees to help with the summer traffic.

As for now, here's a run-down of how current movies are trashed:

21 - 4 Tubs
The Forbidden Kingdom - 4 Tubs
Forgetting Sarah Marshall - 4 Tubs (this is a really stupid movie - save your money unless you enjoy looking at a man's genitals).
88 Minutes - 3 Tubs
Prom Night - 3 Tubs (great for me - teenagers' baggy pants continue to spill coins under the seats)
Horton Hears a Who - 3 Tubs - down from 5 tubs, but near the end of the run
Smart People - 2 Tubs
Shutter - 1 Tub (another waste of money)
Street Kings - 4 Tubs
Leatherheads - 2 Tubs
Nim's Island - 4 Tubs (Jodie Foster sucks at comedy)
Meet The Browns - down to 3 Tubs near the end of the theater run

Sorry I've been out of pocket for so long. I'll try to find something worth writing about in a couple of weeks:).

DMC

Stop-Loss - 4 Tubs

2008-04-11T16:41:00.003-04:00

As you might expect from MTV, this is a political movie; another anti-war waste of $9 bucks. I had high hopes for this movie; and in some ways it does justice to the characters. The emphasis on sticking by your team mates is very much a part of being a soldier. What isn't realistic though is to portray the majority of soldiers caught up in a stop-loss as being anti-establishment. A soldier learns early on that the mission is more important than a soldier. We're taught to always complete the mission, regardless of whether it's popular with the folks back home.

As for the condition of the theater auditorium after viewers have left, there must be a mindset to those who are attracted to this sort of movie to protest anything and everything. These patrons pony up the bucks to get in, but they complain the whole time and then leave their trash as a way of getting out of personal responsibilty. The movie attracts mostly white viewers, both male and female; mostly middle-aged or younger. These viewers grew up hearing about how their parents burned their bras and draft cards when they were young and this is the way the Busters (post-Boomers) choose to protest: by being irresponsible. Unlike the Hippies of the Sixties, this generation doesn't know what it's protesting against. Could be anything: George Bush, capitalism, corporate greed, Christianity, democracy, God, family values, etc. They come and watch a work of fiction and believe it's the way the world is.

You might notice that I'm not trying to be funny lately. After months of cleaning up behind people, I don't find it funny anymore. It's depressing. Every cup left in the seat, every popcorn tub spilled on the floor; all that buttery topping to cause you to slip and fall, all the salt on the seats, the McDonald's wrappers, the chicken bones, the vodka bottles, the occasional messy diaper or condom - it ain't funny any more. It's pitiful.

I think Michael Moore, that fat, rich sorry excuse for a human that he is, should make a documentary about theater goers. If he spins it right, G.W. Bush could be blamed for all the popcorn and soda containers filling our landfills.

OK, I've vented. Now I'm getting out of here so I can think about good and positive things - like my fiance:) Save your money and don't buy the DVD - you're too smart for the propaganda.

Meet the Browns - 4 Tubs

2008-03-28T15:40:00.003-04:00

I've got some pictures I'm going to post on the website soon. However, I will admit that it isn't as bad as I had thought. Perhaps my writing on Tyler Perry's website and asking his fans to be more responsible had some impact after all. Maybe the word is getting out. Maybe you're passing this site on to your friends and they are conducting themselves accordingly.

You've got to love Tyler Perry, even if his movies all focus around the same themes. Meet the Browns is the first big screen introduction of David and Tamela Mann, who played the same roles in the stage play Meet the Browns. David Mann is simply funny. Tyler played up the movie by having "Mr. Brown" appear on recent episodes of House of Payne. And Tyler does a cameo in Meet the Browns to set up his new movie, Madea Goes To Jail, due out later this year.

Meet the Browns had no competition last week, except for Horton Hears a Who. This week it will go up against 21, but should still pull a strong second, if not retain it's first place at the box office. Meet the Browns would have gathered more market share if it hadn't opened on Good Friday when people were traveling out of town. It's also Spring Break season, so people who might have normally gone to the movies are out of town. It might also have done better if there were other movies worth the $9-12 bucks it costs to get in. Whenever people see a lot of cars in the theater parking lot, they seemed compelled to stop and come watch a movie themselves.

Here's my take on Meet the Browns: It's funny, touching, and has . Many of us can identify with the single mom who has no money for groceries, has her electricity turned off and loses her job in the same week. She's got three kids, thankfully good ones, to raise. Just when she doesn't know where else to turn, she learns that her biological father has passed away and she's inherited his rental property - a dump; but her family and a suitor come to the rescue and turn it into a beautiful home just because she's family. Family is important to Tyler Perry, as it should be to us all. Who knows? With all the baby boomers about to retire and there already a shortage of quality long term care facilities, we may see parents moving in with their kids rather than the other way around.

Go see the movie, laugh, wipe your tears, and take your trash when you leave. The ushers, and Tyler Perry thank you for your business.

The World Outside the Theater

2008-03-17T08:14:00.003-04:00

Sometimes (most of the time) I get so focussed on the little things at work that I lose track of why I'm doing it. I spend most of the time thinking about all the work that isn't getting done around the house or counting down the hours until I get off and can rest my feet; and then something happens to put things into perspective.

On Saturday, my daughter's best friend's dad died suddenly of a heart attack. The family was working a charity and the dad (I choose not to name them in respect for their privacy) was working with some small children when suddenly he collapsed. An ambulance was called and it left fifteen minutes before my daughter showed up to help her friend. I happened to call about the time that my daughter learned that her friend's dad had died. She was so distraught that she hung up on me. When I finally reached her a couple hours later and heard the news, my daughter was (and still is) in shock and grief over her friend's loss.

My daughter's friend is the sort of young lady that any parent would be proud of. She's intelligent, mature, beautiful, and has an amazing character. I'm so grateful that Laura chooses this young lady as her best friend. I'm also proud of my daughter because she is of similar heart. Yesterday she spent hours trying to find a movie that she enjoyed with her friend and her dad. She bought some candy, drove over to be with her, and the two walked by the pond where the father would walk with his daughter. He was a good man, a great father; and it's a tragedy that he was torn from his family before he could see his daughter in her prom dress, or watch her walk across the stage at graduation, or walk her down the aisle at her wedding.

My daughter said, "It's not fair. Why did God take him when he was doing good work?" I suppose it's all in one's perspective. My response was that God hadn't taken her friend's father - He'd caught him as he fell and He saved him. This doesn't mean much right now - the grief is real and it hurts so bad that it's hard to breathe. People always want for something comforting to say to the family who just lost a loved one - but there are no words that will accomplish what that family wants. This Sunday, we will celebrate the resurrection of Christ, but this family will wonder why God - who can do anything - won't bring back their husband and father. It's only later, when the grief is under control and the family is able to remember the good times with their loved one that words will help.

Part of my daughter's distress is the realization that she will someday face losing her own dad. She sobbed, "I don't know what I will do if something happens to you." The thing that most people who lose a loved one express is that they didn't get a chance to say goodbye, or they wish they had one more day, even one more hour, to be with the person they lost.

We all get those emails that tell a bittersweet story of loss and the importance of saying I love you every chance you get. In that light, I've decided that my daughter won't have to say that when I'm gone; although she will. But from now on, when we speak to each other every night over the phone, I'm going to be sure to tell her how proud I am of her and how much I love her. This is the beginning of a long goodbye. We're going to treat our time together like it's our last time together. Maybe we'll start a diary and record what we did each day: watched "August Rush", dined at Olive Garden, climbed to the top of Chimney Rock". We'll take more pictures and videos; spend time talking about her dreams and goals. When I leave, I want nothing unsaid that needed to be said, nothing undone that was within my power to help make her life better, no promises unkept, no disagreement unresolved.

Getting the news of a good man's untimely death cleared my mind from how much my feet hurt and how angry I was at thoughtless people. I am blessed to be alive, to be able to work and earn a living. I'm blessed to already have been given a decade and a half more than my daughter's best friend's dad. I'm blessed because when it is my time, God is going to be there to catch me too. We'll both watch from Heaven and be quick to point out to God when our little girls need His help. We'll try to whisper to our girls when we think they're making mistakes. No man is good enough for our girls, but we want them happy. We want our wives (I've got one coming) happy and taken better care of than we were able to provide. Death can't destroy love and separation is not forever.

My prayers are for this family and with my daughter as she grieves for them.

Theater Employees

2008-03-11T11:16:00.004-04:00

Our theater hires an assortment of odd characters - myself being the oddest. I'm also the oldest. Most of our employees are teenagers - juniors and seniors, some high-school drop-outs, and a handful of employees with some sort of learning disability. There are some younger adults, who like myself, work at other jobs; some are in the restaurant business, others in dry cleaning or retail. Since only the two full-time managers get 40 hours a week, a second or third job is a necessity.

As soon as I walked in last night, a female employee rushed over to show off her new hickey. She's madly in puppy love with a teenage boy who works both concessions and usher. They've been a couple now for almost a month, so it's pretty serious.

There is one employee who's autistic. He's also lazy. His mom insists that he's capable of doing more, but management is afraid to ask him do more than tear tickets. When a manager has asked him to count the tickets, he claims he can't count; nor can he use Windex to clean the doors when there's a lull in theater traffic. I agree with his mom, this kid is more lazy than disabled. He's always waiting for me to arrive so he can leave. I'll refuse to relieve him though until he counts his tickets. The other day he moaned, "Why do you put me through so much misery?" I wonder who's going to take care of him when his parents are gone. In the meantime, this 'special needs' employee spends his four or five hour shift walking in circles and swinging his arms, which is more exercise than some of us get.

Then there are three rather plump ladies that do nothing but work the box office. There's one in particular who gets a lot of complaints because she does a lot of sighing when she has to put down her puzzle book and actually sell some tickets. The box office people are isolated from the rest of the theater staff, so we don't really know them as well as we know one another in concessions and usher.

The GM keeps threatening to train me in concessions. I don't mind the work, I just can't see to read the little buttons on the screen. Every size of popcorn, soda, and every item of candy has it's own button. I'll have to wear my reading glasses to see the monitor and will spend a lot of time wiping the popcorn oil from the lenses.

There's one usher who's a pretty good worker, when he's not talking to customers. He has this habit of asking people leaving the theater, "So, from one to five stars, how many would you give this movie?" The customer will answer 'Three", and the usher will say, "Really?! Gosh, I would have given it a 3 1/2 stars. You know this film was produced by Miramax and they're only good at putting out movies that include a lot of sex. The best film makers are the French, yada-yada-yada." By the time he finishes talking to the customer, I've cleaned the theater and we're on to the next auditorium where he grabs another unsuspecting customer and goes through it all again.

We have another employee who really doesn't want to be there. He spends most of his time texting. Theater rules are that employees leave their cell phones either in their cars or in the locker in the breakroom. This guy claims that he sends and receives over 10,000 text messages a month. His thumbs are flat as pancakes.

Managers earn their money at the theater. They back up the box office and concessions when we're busy, help clean the theater, inventory every cup and bag and candy bar every night, run the projectors, make the schedules, build the movies, unload the supply truck, and put up with us employees. I used to think I wanted to manage a theater, but after watching what these guys have to do and the late hours they have to work (as late as 4 in the morning), no thanks.

My favorite manager is a Pakistani. He only works on Saturday nights. He's my age, so we get along really well. We both gripe about Hillary and how the Republicans are no different from Democrats anymore. We're leaning towards Obama because at least he admits he's a liberal. He's a Muslim, I'm a Christian - which must come as a surprise to other Christians who read this blog. Sometimes we talk about our faith. He says, "You American Christians are fucked-up. You claim you follow Christ but you really follow money. All you care about is your big homes, your cars, your credit. What about the poor and hungry that Jesus told you to take care of?" I can't argue with him - he's right. He lives a simple life, hates debt, despises the excesses of Hollywood and people who look to actors and athletes as heroes. Despite our differences in faith, we're in agreement with how far America has fallen when it comes to being a nation the world should look up to. And in spite of our problems, he still loves America - just like I do. Late in the evenings, when we're both tired from cleaning theaters, my manager friend will tell me to take things slow - "Go do theater checks while we clean the rest of the auditoriums - take your time."

It's relationships like this that make cleaning up behind thoughtless people bearable. We don't have to like or get along with every person we work with, but we share a lot of the same experiences - even the same values. Anyone who works in a service industry will tell you it's a thankless job. People expect perfection but aren't willing to pay for it or give it the respect it's due. It's not a bad thing for a young girl to look at me as some father figure; or some teenage boy to learn a work ethic from 'the old guy'; or for a special needs kid to be challenged, or for a Muslim to consider a Christian as a friend. My feet may hurt, it may be hard to bend over and pick up a dropped ticket, but I'm blessed to be able to work and to have relationships with people I wouldn't have otherwise met.

Remember as you enter a theater that the people who work there have their own dreams and troubles. The person who tears your ticket may not be the brightest youth you've met, but he's qualified to tear tickets. The girl with the hickey isn't a slut, she's an honors student. The black guy who wants to know how many stars you'd give the movie likes Asian girlss and French cuisine and works full-time at Dairy Queen - he does the best he can. And if you see a couple of older guys cleaning the theater, grab a broom and help out.

College Road Trip - 5 Tubs

2008-03-10T12:45:00.004-04:00

I was on door duty between sets on Saturday. A rather unattractive woman with a German accent came in with her husband who was in a wheelchair. She handed me one ticket and when I asked about the ticket for her husband, she gave me this line about he didn't have to pay because he was in a wheelchair and did not take up a seat. I explained to the lady that he was paying to see a movie, not to rent a seat; she insisted that she'd never had to pay before - but we hear these excuses all the time and if he wanted to see the movie, we were going to need a ticket. About that time a wind storm, with wind gusts up to 50 MPH knocked out power to our theater. It was out for about an hour and a half. We had to clear the theater, auditorium by auditorium, with two managers going around giving everyone a rain check for a later movie. It went pretty smoothly on the east side of the building, but the fans in College Road Trip were less than understanding; in fact they were downright rude and extremely messy. One can forgive the mess - their show had just been interrupted and they'd spent all this money on concessions only to get half way through the movie and have it quit on them. What we won't forgive is the rudeness and the refusal by many of the people in College Road Trip who, rather than waiting inside the auditorium as requested, flooded the lobby and hindered others from getting their rain check as quickly as might have been possible.

One bitch - there's no better word for her and God knows she's a bitch - demanded double rain passes for her and her spawn due to our inconveniencing them. She pushed past others who were patiently waiting and started accusing the manager of causing the power failure. I'm surprised she didn't accuse George Bush - he gets blamed for every other act of nature.

When the power came back on, the movies picked up where they left off, because you can't just reverse the projector and rewind the film. It has to play out onto a platter, which is then lifted and taken to a separate table where another machine rewinds the film for the next showing. So once the lights were back on and I could see how to clean the theaters, I went into College Road Trip to clean up after The Bitch and other impatient patrons. It took me 45 minutes to clean that auditorium. Three trash containers were overflowing and I filled two more 45 gallon plastic bags with trash left by the movie-goers.

The thing is, regardless of whether the power had failed or not, these guests were not going to take their trash with them anyway. That's the quality of our audience that is attracted to this sort of film. In two weeks, Meet the Browns will open, and I predict right now that the same people are going to completely trash the theater. If they don't, I'll quit my job at the theater. Past experience has taught us that G-rated movies and movies that attract a predominantly black audience will require twice as many ushers and twice as much time to clean as any other movie being played at the same time. It's not a matter of racial prejudice, it's just the way it is. Even our black employees dread this sort of movie and some are already planning on calling in sick when Meet The Browns opens on Good Friday.

College Road Trip is a pretty tame family movie, starring Raven and Martin Lawrence. It's about a dad who doesn't want his little girl growing up and moving away. His job is to protect her. Raven's character wants her freedom and for her dad to trust her to make the right decisions in life. Donny Osmond and his on-screen wife are the token whites who are portrayed as being obnoxiously positive. CRT would have made a better made-for-TV movie than a big screen release, but that's not going to stop fans of Martin or Raven from throwing hard earned money away along with a ton of trash. I hope I'm not working when The Bitch or the German woman returns with their raincheck.

I wanted to write more positive stories about theater patrons and the movie industry in general, but there's little I can say positive about the kind of people who first demonstrate their total lack of respect for others and who think that their color or disability or other 'difference' makes them better than the rest of us.

The Orpheum Theater

2008-03-06T09:44:00.006-05:00

I suppose I got my love of movies from my dad. He would take my brother and I to the Orpheum Theater on Saturday nights. There seems to be an Orpheum theater in most cities. The name "Orpheum" for an entertainment hall comes from the Greek myth of Orpheus, whose music and poetry were so compelling that even the Gods were mesmerized. The word "Orpheum" means "house of Orpheus" or"place of Orpheus." Our Orpheum Theater in Oxford couldn't exactly be called an entertainment hall or mesmerizing - but it was the only choice we had other than the Starlite Drive-In - also a popular name for outdoor theaters.

My first memory of a movie was King Kong, the original black and white version. When I was growing up it wasn't uncommon for movies to recirculate, thus about once a year we'd get movies like The Wizard of Oz, Gone With the Wind, and King Kong. All I remember as a boy of four or five was the gorilla's head filling the screen. I was so frightened that I got down out of my seat and hid behind the seats in front because I thought Kong was going to break free of that screen and come inside the theater and eat us. My younger brother laughed at me cowering on the floor. You probably think it's funny too.

The Orpheum was segregated when I was growing up. Blacks viewed movies from the balcony. They had their own entrance and were denied the use of the bathrooms, which happened to be located upstairs. There was one toilet for the men and one for the women. The doors were secured by a latch that had obviously been kicked out several times because the wood was torn and you could actually see if someone were inside the bathroom through the crack. I would hold it until I could pee in the alley once the movie was over.

The Orpheum offered one size of popcorn and one size of soda. The popcorn came in a box that was probably filled the night before; and the drink choices were limited to Pepsi, 7-Up, or orange soda. There was a bigger variety of candy than you find in theaters today. We could even buy pea shooters - a straw and a bag of small beans, which we'd use to shoot other kids and black people in the balcony. They had the advantage of height though and we'd spend a lot of time dodging spitballs and beans.

On Saturday afternoons when my mom was tired of having us running around screaming and getting in the way of her work, she'd send my brother and I uptown to my dad's store where he would give us each fifty cents for a movie. That half dollar would pay for a child's ticket, popcorn, soda, and candy. Adults had to pay $.35, so we always lied about our age once we turned 12 and were subject to the cost of an adult ticket.

The Orpheum only had one show per night during the week, plus a matinee on Saturday and Sunday. There were three employees: The owner who sold concessions when he wasn't running the projector, and two teenagers to sell tickets and concessions while the owner was upstairs in the projection booth. Sometimes the owner would open the theater on a weekday when a new Disney movie would open. I think it did it just for our school, which was an orphanage. We'd march the four blocks from our school to the theater. Since I was a 'town' student and didn't actually live at the orphanage, my mother would give me a quarter to pay for my ticket. But since the owner didn't know me from an orphan, I'd use that quarter for candy and popcorn.

It was in the Orpheum theater that I first saw 101 Dalmations, Bambi, Old Yeller, and my favorite Disney movie, The Swiss Family Robinson. I would daydream about being shipwrecked on a tropical beach, eating bananas and coconuts, and running barefoot through the sand and surf. As I grew a little older, I looked forward to the teeny beach movies starring Annette Funicello and Bobby Darrin. And since I was a huge Elvis fan, I never missed one of his movies, starting with his Love Me Tender western up through his beach movies in exotic locations like Florida, Hawaii, and Mexico.

The Orpheum is where I saw my first naked lady - Pussy Galore painted in gold in Goldfinger. James Bond became my hero - the girls, the guns, the money and exotic locations. I had other heroes in movies as well: John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Audie Murphy, Jimmy Stewart, Elvis Presley - all American heroes in my book.

By the time I was drafted into the Army, the Orpheum was playing movies like Midnight Cowboy, The Wild Bunch, The Good The Bad & The Ugly, Easy Rider, Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, Billy Jack, Walking Tall, Alice's Restaurant, and The Love Bug. This was during the Viet-Nam War and blacks were demonstrating their equality by sitting downstairs with the white folk. Lots of whites would leave the theater if a black sat in the white section, but times were changing. So was the theater.

The manager's hair had turned white by now. The teens who used to sell tickets and concessions were still there, they were just older as well. White kids started sitting in the balcony so they could shoot spitballs down on the blacks. Ticket prices had risen to fifty cents, popcorn was a quarter - for the same size box. The fire escape on the side of the building collapsed under the weight of several town drunks hiding in the alley between the theater and the Nationwide Insurance building.

I left Oxford for the Army in 1971. It would be two years before I would return, after my tour in Ethiopia and subsequent stationing at Ft. Bragg. The theater was closed for rennovation; but it would never reopen. For years the building stood empty and neglected and residents would have to travel to Durham or Raleigh to see a movie. By then there were cineplexes - theaters with two or even three auditoriums.

Today the Orpheum sign still sits above what used to be be the entrance to the theater. Now the Orpheum has been divided into offices housing lawyers and real estate agents. Not many citizens of Oxford remember the Orpheum in it's glory days, with neon lights and light bulbs that lit up half a block on Saturday nights. I wish I'd been around when they tore out the seats to make room for the new tenants. I'd like to have had that wooden seat behind which I hid from a roaring giant gorilla.

The Other Boleyn Girl - 4 Tubs

2008-03-05T16:25:00.003-05:00

This has been the most popular movie since it opened last Friday. Like most chick-flicks, this one attracts mostly women. Unlike most chick-flicks, these women are sows. A movie like 27 Dresses attracts the younger, more fit, more attractive female audience; The Other Boleyn Girl attracts women who've lost the battle with age and beauty and now they don't care how they look or how big a mess they make. Many of them sport perpetual frowns and no doubt, many are some unlucky guy's ex-wife.

The Other Boleyn Girl is a bit of a surprise as far as cleanliness goes. The story itself is old. The girls are more concerned with family status and power, but the king is only concerned with producing an heir to his throne and has no intention of sharing power. He is selfish - big surprise from a king, and takes what he wants for himself and when it appears it will cost him, he chops off some heads.

I like actress Natalie Portman (Star Wars), even as a bad girl. She's as good at speaking the King's English as she is portraying a pregnant Southern belle who gives birth in a Wal-Mart store.

Vantage Point - 3 Tubs

2008-03-04T14:15:00.002-05:00

Vantage Point is about 8 different perspectives, but only one truth...if there is such a thing. Of course you know my perspective on movie-goers. I understand, but disagree with the perspective that customers have a right to leave a mess just because they pay more to go to movies than they used to, or because they feel they've been ripped off by Hollywood; or because theater staff is paid to clean up behind them (there is no excuse for trashing someone else's property). Perhaps there is another perspective someone can come up with concerning the way people treat theater property, as long as it's not some conspiracy theory or politically correct crap.

I've only seen the first 20 minutes of this movie. The rest of my break was eaten up by the thirteen minutes of commercials and previews. Bad timing on my part. What I've seen has been good, although I've heard that Vantage Point is another one of those movies portraying America as evil and deserving of the hatred of the rest of the world. I don't share these opinions; in fact I'm proud of our country and will probably continue to be proud even if Hillary wins the next election. I've heard that Hillary's not a big tipper when she's out on the town. That's too bad for the waitress who has to bust her butt giving Hillary the special VIP treatment, but I wonder if Hillary wouldn't make as big a mess in my theater as say an epileptic patient trying to hold onto a tub of popcorn while experiencing a seizure. I've heard from reliable sources (Chelsea's former body guard) that Hillary is quite capable of pitching a fit. Not that Hillary has anything to do with this movie, I was just chasing a rabbit....

Vantage Point is reasonably clean because most of it's viewers are educated adults who have some idea of what's going on in the world outside of what they read in the National Enquirer while standing in line at Wal-Mart. I have nothing against Wal-Mart - I buy my groceries, change my oil, and get my hair cut there; but Wal-Mart caters to the people who can't afford to shop at the mall. It's the mall shoppers who are neater than the Wal-Mart shoppers - IMHO. You may have another perspective than I do. Someone else may wonder what Hillary and Wal-Mart have in common with this movie, and the answer would be irresponsible people who think too highly of themselves.

Making a Point

2008-02-26T13:00:00.005-05:00

Someone recently said that I was a negative person, and I guess it's true. No sense fighting my own nature. This person didn't find my biting sarcasm as funny as I intended; I guess they would just have to be there to understand my frustration with humans. They said they wouldn't want to associate with me because of my negativity, and that's fine. I have what I need and people who love me and who know that this is just how I choose to talk about one of my jobs but isn't an accurate depiction of my character.

Before receiving this criticism, I felt like there was only so many ways I could describe how messy a theater can become or how much unnecessary effort it requires to clean an auditorium when people don't take out their own trash. I wanted to write about something besides pigs and popcorn and spilled sodas, but am so focussed on my broom that I don't have time to see beyond the mess.

I would like to write more stories about the good, decent movie goers who act responsibly and with respect for us 'little' guys, but it's hard to find the little diamonds in a pile of dirt. Take last night for instance. I walked in to clean at the end of There Will Be Blood and there was one guy in the auditorium. He was sitting on the front row, slouched down, popcorn tub on the floor beside him and a plastic Mountain Dew bottle where a soda cup should have been. I didn't pay him much mind until he stood and zipped up the front of his pants up. He actually turned away to tuck himself in. Seems this viewer somehow found a guy getting his head beaten in with a bowling pin erotic.

This was a big guy, bald, broad across the shoulders. He could have been a cop or a football coach on the outside, but inside he was some sick puppy. Maybe he got off on the danger of being caught. I didn't say anything to the pervert, he looked like he could kick my butt and I had no desire for him to put his hands on me after what he'd been touching. He passed me and nodded as though nothing had happened, and I went over and swept up the popcorn the perverted pig had spilled on the floor.

So when I say that we have a sick society where people simply don't care about anyone but themselves, I've got experience backing up my claim. Perhaps, if I worked in a hospital, I'd find some kind people to write about. If I wrote about our clients on my day job, I could tell you how stupid they are and how you shouldn't be trusting your money with financial planners who don't know how to access the Internet. But the theater is part of the service industry and as a culture, people today are very much like Daniel Plainview, the character from There Will Be Blood. They are selfish to the point of abusing other people. They grab what they can get and waste what they can't use. And some of them are more sick than others.

If I find something good to say about theater goers, I'll post it here. All I'm asking is that people take an honest look at their motives and their actions and answer for themselves whether they fall into this sick category. If you don't, God bless.

Oscars Results - 1 Tub

2008-02-25T12:46:00.002-05:00

I slept during most of the Oscar presentations last night. Of the movies nominated, I'm pleased that No Country For Old Men won for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor (Javier Bardem). And while There Will Be Blood is one of the most pointless movies Hollywood has wasted three hours of film on, Daniel Day Lewis did a pretty good job of getting people to hate him. But what's up with the hair and dress of the Best Supporting Actress, Tilda Swinton? Didn't someone care enough about her to stop her from going out in public like that? I didn't see the French film La Vie En Rose, but the Best Actress Award went to a much more attractive Marion Cotillard.

For those of you who don't understand how Hollywood chooses the pictures it nominates for awards, it's simple. Hollywood is nominating the most disturbing films. There Will Be Blood is about an evil, greedy oil man who not only turns against the boy he called his son, but beats a preacher to death with a bowling pin. Sweeney Todd is about a vengeful barber who sings while he slices people's throats with a straight razor. No Country For Old Men is extremely violent, but is tempered with humor and an acknowledgement that evil is present everywhere. Atonement was about a homely teen's accusation that sent a boy to prison and to war. The most disturbing thing about this film wasn't the violence of battle, but the letters containing the word "Cunt" prominently displayed throughout the movie. Juno, while witty, treated teen pregnacy as a joke and infants as something you can trade or sell if you don't feel like raising one yourself. Of the five nominations, the right one won, but the best movies weren't nominated.

3:10 to Yuma, August Rush, The Bucket List, American Gangster, and The Great Debaters, were all good movies and each had a realistic, if not always positive message and the story was well told. But as long as the Academy is as out of touch with America as politicians inside the Washington beltway are, we're going to continue to be force fed the previous crap.

By the way, I think I won the Oscars poll at work. Even some of the picks I guessed on won. Whoopee - $15 gift certificate to Applebees! With another hour's pay I can afford to eat there.

The Spiderwick Chronicles - 4 Tubs

2008-02-25T11:58:00.003-05:00

I don't know why people think I'm so negative all the time; just because I point out some societal flaws that probably hit too close to home. Some people say they wouldn't want to hang out with me because of my negativity. What made them think I'd want to hang out with them? People who whine about whiners really need to get a life. Critiquing movie theaters after people trash them is what this website is all about. If you wanted cum-ba-ya, join the A.A. They'll accept losers and whiners.

Spiderwick is a typical family movie - lots of trash. Unfortunately, not a lot of fans are coming to see the film. I've seen the first half hour or so. It's OK, just as good as The Golden Compass, not as good as Narnia or Lord of the Rings.

The other day there was only one patron in the 7:30 showing. It was freezing outside, but this guy came in wearing shorts and a short sleeve shirt. I think he was gay because he was too cheerful; maybe he was a Christian. Hard to tell sometimes.

When I went in to make a theater check, this guy is sitting on the very front row. Now, he's got the entire theater to himself and he sits where you have to bend your neck backward to see the movie. No crime there, just not the best choice of seating.

The next day he's back to see Fool's Gold. Maybe he's unemployed; but if he is unemployed, where'd he get the money to come to movies and why is he so happy? Maybe he's one of those guys some people who read this blog want me to become - positive and forgiving. Well, that's probably not going to happen. I have to do this stuff at work on my lunch hour and I'm usually pressed for time and distracted by people talking too loud in the cubicles surrounding me. After all, it's really hard to be critical and positive at the same time. Now if I were making money from this website I probably could say something nice once and awhile.

Perhaps if I were like Hogsqueal from the Spiderwick movie, I could spit into the eyes of those who fail to see the link between the way people leave the theater and the respect they have for themselves and other people. Of course, my viewpoint could be equally distorted. As Arthur Spiderwick says, “Once you see, you will never see the same again.”

An Idea for A Reality Show

2008-02-21T15:14:00.003-05:00

We all know that there are not enough reality shows on TV (I'm being facetious). And I think by now you get the gist of what I write about here on Dirty Movies Critic. So I came up with an idea for a new reality series based on working in a movie theater. Sounds exciting already doesn't it?

I think that the producers of Survivor or Big Brother should come to Raleigh and do a show on the theater where I work. I'm not telling you which one, you'll have to wait for the TV series to find out.

What could there possibly be worth watching a series titled....let's say "Dirty Movie Critic" for lack of a better title. The camera could follow me around and catch me mumbling beneath my breath about the incestry...I mean ancestry, of the pigs who leave their trash in my theater. They could witness me out-hustle the younger ushers without really trying. They could show me using my amazing strength to rip apart ticket stubs and being courteous to movie goers, something that goes against my nature.

But I'm no glory hound. I would share the spotlight with our concessionaires and box office employees, even with the managers - who surprisingly work harder than anyone else at the theater. The theater employs a variety of personalities: there's the high school kids, the drop-outs, retards (excuse me, I meant to say autistic or mentally challenged or whatever politically correct phrase relaxes your butt cheeks), boyfriend/girlfriend & ex-girlfriend, retired (that's me, sort of), non-igneous to the United States (foreigners for those who aren't possessed over political correctness), and college grads trying to find a job that will pay off their student loans before they start drawing social security.

But what I really want the series to capture is the movie patrons - the motherless pigs who with malice aforethought kick over popcorn tubs, spill sodas, and drip simulated nacho cheese sauce on the seat cushions. The cameras would capture movie goers shoving fistfuls of popcorn into their mouths, pulling hamburgers out of their purses, and fifths of vodka from their inside coat pockets. They would document the utter havoc wreaked on the theater and the courageous battle of the poor, underpaid usher who tries to restore order before the next round of previews.

And then the cameras would follow the worst of the offenders of the Ten Commandments of Theater Attendance to their cars, shadow them home, and knock on their doors claiming they're from Publisher's Clearing House in order to gain entrance and once inside document how nasty these people live at home.

Then they'll sit down and interview these miscreants to determine why they were so thoughtless and triffling and so undeserving of the air they breathe. The interviewer will berate and abuse the customer and convict them of their grevious sins against theater property and theater employees as a race/ethnic/social group.

Then Extreme Home Makeover will come in at the end of the first season and design for us a theater that cleans itself. Perhaps they can install tazzers that will shock anyone who gets up out of their seats without first picking up any trash within two feet of them. Gordon Ramsey, from Hell's Kitchen, can come in and organize our concession area so that people don't have access to butter or salt, and he can ridicule the concessionaires and see which ones will cry and who will rise to be the Executive Concessionaire in the new state-of-the art theater that caters to employees rather than to movie goers.

Of course, I'll draw a hefty consulting fee to make sure the show stays true to Dirty Movies Critic. I'll even donate my theater wages to charity, though I don't think it's going to make a difference.

What do you think? Help me contact potential producers, bombard them with my blog website, tell them how much you want and need to see a really important reality show based on actual current events. If you don't know any Hollywood producers, send this on to someone who might. I'm networking here. I sucked at MLM, but this is a product everyone needs. Go and spread the gospel of the Dirty Movie Critic to Hollywood and beyond!

Definitely, Maybe - 2 Tubs

2008-02-21T14:21:00.003-05:00

Definitely, Maybe is a cute story about a girl discovering which of her father's former girlfriends is her real mother. It attracts lots of chicks, thus it is easy to clean. Enough said.

Last night was really slow at the theater and I wasn't always rushing from auditorium to auditorium. Fortunately, I was sweeping in the front of the lobby when three beautiful young women entered. For as long as I've been working at the theater, these three chicks have shown up about once a week to watch a movie together. One has lustrous black hair, the other two are blonds, one on crutches. The girl on crutches is the prettiest. I don't know why she's on crutches, but she's been on them a couple of months now. Anyway, these women are what us guys call "Hot!". They're also sweet and they love to laugh. All three look incredibly fit, in a feminine way; and the girl on crutches has the best figure of the three.

I'll admit it, I looked. I tried to look away at two kids playing video games, but the girl on crutches was standing less than two feet away and I had a nice view of her cleavage, which is why I tried to avert my attention. Not only are they more than one guy can handle, they were also less than half my age. I found myself in the position of looking at them as I would my daughters and how I would feel if some old pervert was oggling them. Disgusting old pig!

After opening the door to Definitely, Maybe for them (the other two girls had their arms full of popcorn and sodas), I went back to the concession stand and saw the clerk still smiling. I asked if he knew them and he said no, but he'd heard that they were all exotic dancers. It fit, they had the looks, the figure, the youth, they were pleasant with people, not in a forced way but genuine. Perhaps going to movies was how they spent their nights off; as opposed to say - going to Wednesday night Bible study?

Anyway, I have nothing against exotic dancers. I don't go clubbing, drinking with the buddies, or attend bachelor parties at Thee Doll House, but that's just me. I wouldn't want my daughters working as strippers; Lord knows I don't ever want to see one of them naked. I choose to remember them in diapers and bath tubs, pony tails and playing with Barbie dolls, not with a dance pole. I wonder how the girls' fathers deal with their daughter's chosen vocation. What do they talk about when they meet for lunch? Does dad say, "So, how's work"? And does she respond with, "Great, I made a $100 tip last night on one lap dance!" If the dads are like me, they don't see their daughters as adults, attractive and desirable to other men; but as cute little girls who skipped rope, and rode on their dad's shoulders. Daddy's little girls. The kind of daughters that fathers treat like a princess and hope that they will someday meet a prince who will love and care for them as much as their dad does.

There's a special place in my heart for the one who is on crutches. She's the sweetest as well as the prettiest. Last night when the movie was over, she bent over to pick up her popcorn bag and a few kernals fell onto the floor. Trying to balance herself on her crutches and bend down to pick up the loose popcorn, she almost tumbled onto the row below. She looked down and saw me standing to the side waiting for the customers to leave and said, "I'm really sorry. I tried to pick up my trash but I couldn't manage it." I said "No problem, thank you for trying." I wanted to say that most healthy people were so inconsiderate and lazy they wouldn't take their own trash out. At least she made the effort, so I know that her dad and mom succeeded in instilling some respect and kindness in their beautiful daughter. I'm sure she's one of the kindest and most considerate exotic dancers in the area. The other two took their trash too, and smiled and said "Thank you." as they were leaving. I wish all our customers were as kind, and as hot.

Jumper - 3 Tubs

2008-02-20T16:12:00.002-05:00

I really need to get busy on my novel because this movie has absolutely stolen the idea for one of my characters in my book. Too bad I can't accuse them of plagurism since I haven't finished writing the book yet.

Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this movie. It was good, but it could have been much better. There was no explanation of where Jumpers came from, who the Pallatins (sp) are, why his mom didn't play a bigger role in the movie, etc. Sorry if I'm giving anything away here, but I think they're setting us up for a sequel.

As far as the condition of the theater after people leave the movie: Kids, teens and college students included are naturally messy. They can't clean their rooms, do a half-ass job at chores, and don't even try to treat other people's property with respect. I swept up lots of contraband - candy wrappers from candy we don't sell, soda cans - which we don't sell, chewing gum wrappers- nope we don't see that either.

Still, there are enough older people going so that the theater isn't completely trashed. Yesterday was probably the worst. A local mental hospital brought some of their young patients to see the movie. There was popcorn and drinks all over the floor - but at least they've got an excuse. I even found a dollar under the messiest seat. Must have been a tip. I'm using it to buy a lottery ticket Friday in Virginia because the MegaBall lottery is up to $270M. If I win, I'll hire someone to clean up behind me - but I'll pay them really well.

Most people seem to enjoy the movie. I think we all would like the ability to transport anywhere in the world in a split second. We wouldn't need cars or gas so the earth would be greener; but all those auto and oil workers would be out of a job so we'd have more people jumping off skyscrapers. The government would have to create some sort of tracking device so they can keep up with us. Prisons would become obsolete - if found guilty the person is immediately executed, if they can catch him. Spouses would not trust each other because it would be so easy to 'sneak around'. No one would live in Minnesota or Nebraska in the winter, so Florida would soon look like Calcutta.

I guess it's a good thing we aren't able to be omnipresent....

Complain, Complain, Complain, Yada Yada Yada

2008-02-14T14:41:00.002-05:00

It seems that Jerry Seinfield remarked at the Oscars that it was OK for people to leave trash in the theater when they felt they were getting ripped off. Easy for him to say, he's part of the crap that Hollywood is turning out as 'entertainment' now days. He was serious, not that his funny stuff is actually funny except to people who have nothing better to do with their lives than watch Seinfield.

Every night at work I hear people comment on how expensive it is to go to the movies. It's true, but the theater is not the bad guy. There's the studios and distributions systems taking the bulk of theater revenue. There's corporate costs - the people who build and manage the theaters. There's rent, utilities, property taxes, trash removal, janitorial services, landscaping, etc. There's the rising cost of concessions and cleaning supplies, toilet paper, not to mention advertising. There is building maintenance - guess who causes that? By the time it comes down to employees, there isn't much left for us. $6.50 an hour or less. Manager make $10 bucks per hour. Sure the General Manager makes more, but I earn more in my day job than he does.

Here's what you have the right to complain about: The quality of service - is the theater staff polite and attentive? Other patrons - are they too loud, do they smell bad, did they leave their trash so that you're having to wait to get into the auditiorium for your show? The movie itself - did it have a plot, were you entertained? That's it. You do not have the right to complain about costs after you make the decision to purchase the ticket. You do not have a right to complain about the price of concessions after ordering the large tub of popcorn and large soda. You do not have a right to complain about the cleanliness of the bathrooms since it was customers like yourself who made the mess. You don't have the right to bring in outside food just because you don't want to spend money on concessions - because the profit on concessions is where the wages for theater staff comes from and without adequate staffing, you're going to have to wait in line longer and endure dirtier auditoriums. If you're that strapped for cash, get a job as a theater usher

You can complain about one other thing: Jerry Seinfield and the people in Hollywood who get rich ripping off your hard earned money. Stop paying to watch crap and Hollywood will start producing entertainment to give you your money's worth.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins - 4 Tubs

2008-02-14T12:24:00.002-05:00

You know what? This was a funny movie. There isn't much else showing right now, and it's nice to have another black movie that promotes family values. And you know what else? It's not quite as filthy as I thought it would be. The majority of viewers are actually taking their trash with them? Of course a handful of people can do some serious damage, but I haven't yet worked up a sweat cleaning the theater - one of the measurements I use in handing out the worst rating of '5'.

You might remember Michael Clarke Duncan as the giant from the movie "The Green Mile". He plays a supporting role in Roscoe Jenkins but he's actually quite funny. Nicole Parker Kodjoe is gorgeous in her role as Lucinda, the former high school prom queen and teen crush of Martin Lawrence's character, R.J..... (I don't know why I'm giving you this movie critique. You can read enough of those online. What you won't find elsewhere is my unique take on what happens at the theaters during these movies.)

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins is just one of those popular movies that attracts all kinds of people. Some are neat, some aren't. Some will go to Heaven, some won't. I'm not saying that people who leave their trash in my theater are going to Hell, but they're pointed in that direction. Go see the movie and have fun, then take your stinking trash with you when you leave:)

Step Up 2 The Streets - 4 Tubs

2008-02-13T15:58:00.002-05:00

Just what the world needs, another dance movie. However, what these kids call dance is what I call gymnastics. You have to be in tip top shape to move the way they do. Personally, I'm lucky to climb the stairs to clean up after the pigs who left their trash behind. You have no idea how many times we ushers have to climb up and down stadium steps, making run after run to the trash can, our arms loaded with popcorn tubs, nacho trays, and large soda cups almost full of overpriced sodas.

Step Up attracts the younger crowd, though most are fat, ugly, and wearing so much bling on their teeth we sometimes think they're using some sort of camera to record the show. Last night we had a dance group composed of teenage girls show up for the movie. They all looked like cheerleader types in their blue uniforms, and every one had a cell phone pressed to her ear telling the person on the other end that they were at the movie.

Why is it that these movies are always about some misunderstood and under-appreciated kid who gets portrayed as some sort of hero? There are no heroes in dance - it's a discipline, not an accomplishment. The only person it helps is the person who disciplines themselves to do what other's won't; so it's basically a selfish goal for one's life. It's the theater usher who serves quietly (not so quietly in my case) behind the scenes cleaning up after the pigs who are too lazy to train their bodies but are willing to pay to watch someone else sweat - we're the real heroes in the movies.

Saturday is going to be rough. I'm wearing two sets of inserts in my shoes that night. You would think that people who are interested in such gymnastics would eat healthy, but we'll go through a 50 lb box of buttery topping and two cases of napkins for a movie like this. These fans act like kids coming to see Alvin & the Chipmunks.

Here's my suggestion for what it's worth - wait for the DVD and trash your own house while you sit on your butt and watch people sweat.

Working the Door

2008-02-11T16:17:00.000-05:00

In theater lingo, working the door means I'm the one who stands at the front of the theater and tears your tickets when you enter. I thank you politely for coming, tell you which auditorium your movie is in, hand you back your ticket stub and say, "I hope you enjoy the movie."

On week nights when there's not a lot of theater traffic, working the door is BORING! You stand in one place for hours, grateful when a customer comes in and gives you something to do. This may be fine for high school kids who are looking for easy money without having to work up a sweat, but for those of us mature enough to have a good work ethic, working the door sucks.

But being the eternally optimistic person that I am, I try to find something positive in even the most mind numbing routines. That's why I noticed this couple who came in last Wednesday to see The Bucket List - the best movie not nominated for an award at this year's Oscars.

The couple were obviously father and daughter; he looked to be close to 70, and she in her mid to late thirties. She held the door open for her dad to enter, handed me the tickets and headed for the concession stand. The father headed towards the bench to the side of concessions. You could tell he was tired and not in the best of health. The walk from the parking lot had worn him out. His thinning hair was all askew, and the sweater he wore didn't seem to provide sufficient heat to keep him warm.

There were no other customers so I kept watching these two. The daughter waited her turn in the concession line and when it was her turn, she turned to her father and asked if he'd like to have a bag of Twizzlers. He thought for a long time. It must have once been a favorite of his, and his daughter remembered and thought it would be something he'd enjoy. Finally, the old man shook his head. Perhaps he'd lost his taste for Twizzlers, or perhaps his dentures wouldn't chew them well, or perhaps he'd lost his sense of taste along with his vitality. He looked sad, and a little scared.

Scared because he was being forced to confront his age and the limits it put on his body. His mind may have been 35 years old, but his body don't always follow his mind's instructions. I think the fear was for the future - when he was unable to even get out to a movie, and perhaps he was afraid of what lies on the other side of this life.

His daughter obviously wanted to spend whatever time she has left with her dad. She thought it would be a good idea to bring him to a movie and get him out of the house. She too was probably afraid - afraid of what her life would be like when her dad was gone.

It was fitting that they were there to see The Bucket List. My favorite line in the movie goes something like this: "When he died, his eyes were closed, but his heart was open."

I don't always look at theater customers as pigs, though many (most) are. Once in awhile someone will touch you in an unexpected way. I hope that this dad and daughter are able to spend a lot more time together. It's something I'll be looking at in another 15 years, and I know my youngest daughter will be there for her dad.

Hopefully I won't still be tearing tickets or cleaning the theater behind pigs, or greeting customers at Wal-Mart. There's more important things in life than work and movies.

WAIT FOR THE DVD! - Movies Not Worth the Bucks

2008-02-11T16:10:00.000-05:00

This is the time of year when Hollywood releases most of its crap. These movies aren't doing much at the box office, nor should they. They don't even rate a filthy auditorium rating. Save your money and wait for the DVD or for television:

Untraceable
Strange Wilderness
How She Move
The Eye
Meet The Spartans
Over Her Dead Body

I'm sure there will be more. This is why Hollywood waits until February to hold the Oscars - there's nothing else worth watching.

There Will Be (a) Blood(y) (Mess)

2008-02-01T14:36:00.000-05:00

Our theater received this film today. It's the only one worth watching of the new releases, and because it's nominated for an Oscar, lots of rabid pigs are marching on our theater to experience this movie. As ominous as the title, I shudder to see the auditorium after the 9:30 release. There might be an eruption of litter, possibly mixed with blood if I go postal tonight.

Because this is a movie about a selfish man, a man who wants others to lose as much as he wants to win, I'm sure it will attract that segment of our population that so frequently haunts our theater: selfish, intentionally evil pigs who get their jollies knowing that ushers are working themselves to death for $6.50 an hour cleaning up after them. As with the oil man and the evangelist, these movie fans will compete with one another to see who can wreak the most destruction. Some will swear that they always clean up behind themselves, but they're liars. Others will claim to not understand how unscrupulous movie goers can leave a mess and not be convicted by the Holy Spirit of their great sins. Only the ushers possess the honor and character to do what no one else is willing to do.

Some day an usher will be pushed beyond his endurance at the calloulessness of theater audiences, and there will be blood.

Juno - 4 Tubs

2008-02-01T13:31:00.000-05:00

Sperm isn't the only thing being randomly sown in this movie. Popcorn, soda cups, candy wrappers, gum wrappers, hamburger wrappers....everything but condom wrappers, cover the floor and seats as irresponsible humanoids leave an orgy of litter in their wake in Juno.

As if Hollywood can't get enough laughs over ripping off God (First Sunday), now it thinks it's hilarious when teens get pregnant and get to trade their babies like Yu-Gi-Oh cards rather than actually raise their spawn. The parents, upon learning that their daughter has been having sex out of wedlock simply shrug their shoulders in wonder that a geek named Bleeker had it in him to ejaculate inside their daughter. The only bad guy in this movie is the husband and potential father-to-be who puts his own happiness in front of his wife's - who is portrayed by the drop dead gorgeous Jennifer Garner. But he's not the only selfish person in this movie - (after all, the teens put their own lust before the wise counsel of their parents). Didn't we all make the same mistake and regret it later? Don't we all want our kids to wait until they meet the right person before they become 'sexually active'? Weren't Juno's parents especially quick to forego their rights as grandparents rather than be involved in this child's life? Nor are the selfish characters limited to the movie. The fans of this movie, pigs that they are, are too good to take out their own trash. They leave it for the lame and out of touch, and extremely responsible ushers to clean up their mistakes.

Next time you decide to screw us ushers, at least put your junk in the trash bag first.

27 Dresses VS Rambo - 2 Tubs/5 Tubs

2008-01-28T16:08:00.000-05:00

This week I'm reviewing a double feature; the first, a chick flick - 27 Dresses. The other movie is for real men - Rambo.

Coming into the ring is a returning champion, 27 Dresses. Her fans are predominantly female - the young, attractive, single women who come to see this movie with their girlfriends. These ladies are concerned with their figures and don't fall victim to the concession trap on their way into the theater. Sure, there are a couple of porkers and old maids who munch down on some popcorn, but most of these ladies are consuming only water or a Coke Zero they've snuck inside their purse. A water bottle is much easier to police up than a large drink. Not only are these ladies more frugal, they're more tidy and leave a reasonable amount of trash in their wake.

On the right is the veteran of thirty years, Rambo, tossing his hat into the ring one last shot at glory. Here comes the first of his fans: 4 fat guys filling up the four front row seats on the right side - where any good patriot chooses to sit. Each of these guys are armed with a tub of popcorn, a large soda, and their pockets overflow with contraband. Firing on full automatic, these guys spray the floor in front and the seats behind them with wide shot patterns of popcorn and candy wrappers. Empty tubs attest to their gallantry and team spirit. Behind them line up an auditorium of testosterone induced army of men and a few women looking for a real man. There's nothing neat about Rambo. The end justifies the means. If you get in the way, you're bound to be buried in popcorn, lathered in fake buttery topping, and embalmed in layers of popcorn salt. There's peanut shells and sunflower seed hulls, golden Miller High Life cans, and empty Skoal cans under the seats. Rambo brings out the swine in males.

Were Rambo to hook up with professional maid of honor Jane, she would wear an unrevealing camouflage dress with sniper ghillie hood and Rambo knife secured to her garter, and he would be decked out in black tshirt, black bandana, black cammy pants, and combat boots. They would depart the reception in an armor plated Hummer with .50 cal machine guns mounted fore and aft. The couple would honeymoon in northern Laos before moving to Thailand where he would manage a black market riverboat business and she would create her own unique design of bridal gowns handmade by slave child laborers.

Cloverfield - 1 Tub

2008-01-22T14:21:00.000-05:00

If you had trouble following the jerking camera in "The Blair Witch Project", you won't want to sit too close to the screen for Cloverfield. I've heard it reported, but happily never witnessed, that some viewers have gotten nauseous while watching the film. Let me be the first to warn you: Don't throw up in my theater or I'll use your tongue to lap up every trace of bile and butter on that floor.

Where the title comes from is a mystery since the film takes place in New York City. The scenes of collapsing buildings comes straight out of 9/11 images. Beheading the Statue of Liberty is more than enough reason to throw all of the U.S.'s might at destroying the parasite that chooses to attack NY after Osama bin Laden. Perhaps Osama sent it......

Thankfully, Cloverfield is not one of those gory films that Hollywood churns out this time of year. You have to watch closely to see what is happening, and you're left wondering just what did happen; but once you've seen it two or three times it kind of grows on you.

Also thankfully, Cloverfield does not attract the sort of pigs who create havoc in other auditoriums. I'm at the point where I hope Hollywood stops producing family-friendly movies all together. Perhaps it's the geeks who come to this sort of movie who are by nature more fastidious than the goons who spill everything in movies like National Treasure, Alvin & the stupid Chipmunks, First Sunday, and Juno. I might not pay to watch a movie like Cloverfield, but I don't mind cleaning up behind those who do pay.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything - A VeggieTales Movie

2008-01-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

The title says it all. Admittedly, I'm not a big fan of the VeggieTales and I especially dislike their theme music. Go ahead, tell me I'm not a good Christian. The parents who bring their children to see this movie aren't very Christian in the way they leave the theater. While scripture doesn't really say, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness", it ought to; and Christian parents should take better care to ensure that their children do not make an unnecessary mess.....but the current generation never learned to clean up after themselves, so it all goes back to that other scripture - "Train up your child in the ways they should go and when they get old they won't depart from it." But fail to teach them to pick up after themselves and they can't teach their kids what they weren't taught and before you know it, we've got a world of sloppy gluttons rutting like pigs in a trough.

To be honest, which means that some of the other stuff I tell you might not be 100% truthful, except for opening weekend, this movie isn't getting a lot of business. On Tuesday we sold zero tickets to this movie. And somehow I still found popcorn on the floor. Apparently people were sneaking in from other auditoriums - another unChristian thing in direct violation of the addendums and amendments to the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance. As the faithful scribe of this website, I am careful to edit when I'm led by the Spirit or a spirit.

Truthfully, (there I go again) the only reason to see this movie is if you're a diehard and tonedeaf VeggieTale fan. I sat in on about 45 minutes of the movie and fell asleep. Perhaps we've been spoiled by the great graphics in other animated films and there's only so much you can do with a cucumber or pepper that's G-rated. The theme the film tackles - facing our fears - is a worthy one; I'd just like to see it done with more blood and guts than with V8 juice.

The Bucket List - 3 Tubs

2008-01-15T09:02:00.000-05:00

I try not to divulge too much of a movie’s story line in my reviews. After all, DirtyMovieCritic is about movie fans, not movies. But the reason I work at a theater instead of a job that pays better (Wal-Mart, sharecropping, Welfare), is because I love to watch movies. Always have. The 21st Century hasn’t produced that many great films, and The Bucket List probably doesn’t fall under that category either; but I enjoyed it. People will say that this movie is too shallow, but I came away invigorated and sensing peace – mostly because I didn’t have to clean the theater after the show. I’ve looked forward to The Bucket List for months now. I was not disappointed. For those who wanted more pathos, all I can say is, “Get a life”. I go to the movies to escape reality not to delve into someone else’s reality. That’s why I avoid political movies by chumps like Michael Moore. My reality is bad enough, I don’t have to adopt someone else’s paranoia.

I can’t remember if Morgan Freeman’s character quoted an ancient Egyptian or a Tibetan saying that, when we die, we go to stand in front of a wall. At that wall we are asked two simple questions: The first – have we experienced joy in our lives? The second – has our life given joy to someone else? Like Edward Cole (Jack Nicholson), I have to search my soul to answer the first question because I am a pessimist by nature – something you might have picked up on if you’ve read many of my reviews. And like Edward Cole, I too have to hem & haw over the answer to the second question and find that I can only mumble “I hope so”.

At this movie’s opening weekend, fans flocked to the theater, almost selling out each showing. Thankfully, these are different fans than those of the other new release, “First Sunday”. I would go so far as to say that more than half of the viewers of The Bucket List were kind and considerate and took their trash with them after the movie. There was no contraband found under the seats, just the usual popcorn, soda cups, and an occasional Nerds Rope wrapper. The people exiting the movie were an equal mixture of black and white, mostly middle aged or older, probably college graduates by the way they were dressed and deported themselves. Quite a contrast from First Sunday which let out at the exact same time directly across the hall.

One of the drawbacks of working at a theater – aside from cleaning up after pigs – is that someone is bound to discuss the movie within earshot of you before you get a chance to see it yourself. With The Bucket List, I made a point of avoiding anyone who hinted at what happened in this movie. It was bad enough to learn that Will Smith’s beautiful German Shepherd dies in “I Am Legend”, or that the last two minutes of “No Country For Old Men” leaves people scratching their heads and wondering what the movie was about. When I saw that Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson were starring in this movie, I knew it was bound to be good. Certainly the movie doesn’t dwell on the morbid effects of cancer. I can see that every day in my own home as my daughter battles cancer. What I wanted, and what I got, was to see someone face mortality with courage and even humor. If critics find this movie unrealistic, too bad. Reality is what we make it.

We live, we die, and the wheels on the trash cart go round and round.

The Bucket List - 3 Tubs

2008-01-15T08:58:00.000-05:00

I apologize for posting this multiple times. It never seemed to show up on preview. Go see the movie. You will enjoy it:)

The Bucket List - 3 Tubs

2008-01-15T08:55:00.000-05:00

I try not to divulge too much of a movie’s story line in my reviews. After all, DirtyMovieCritic is about movie fans, not movies. But the reason I work at a theater instead of a job that pays better (Wal-Mart, sharecropping, Welfare), is because I love to watch movies. Always have. The 21st Century hasn’t produced that many great films, and The Bucket List probably doesn’t fall under that category either; but I enjoyed it. People will say that this movie is too shallow, but I came away invigorated and sensing peace – mostly because I didn’t have to clean the theater after the show. I’ve looked forward to The Bucket List for months now. I was not disappointed. For those who wanted more pathos, all I can say is, “Get a life”. I go to the movies to escape reality not to delve into someone else’s reality. That’s why I avoid political movies by chumps like Michael Moore. My reality is bad enough, I don’t have to adopt someone else’s paranoia.

I can’t remember if Morgan Freeman’s character quoted an ancient Egyptian or a Tibetan saying that, when we die, we go to stand in front of a wall. At that wall we are asked two simple questions: The first – have we experienced joy in our lives? The second – has our life given joy to someone else? Like Edward Cole (Jack Nicholson), I have to search my soul to answer the first question because I am a pessimist by nature – something you might have picked up on if you’ve read many of my reviews. And like Edward Cole, I too have to hem & haw over the answer to the second question and find that I can only mumble “I hope so”.

At this movie’s opening weekend, fans flocked to the theater, almost selling out each showing. Thankfully, these are different fans than those of the other new release, “First Sunday”. I would go so far as to say that more than half of the viewers of The Bucket List were kind and considerate and took their trash with them after the movie. There was no contraband found under the seats, just the usual popcorn, soda cups, and an occasional Nerds Rope wrapper. The people exiting the movie were an equal mixture of black and white, mostly middle aged or older, probably college graduates by the way they were dressed and deported themselves. Quite a contrast from First Sunday which let out at the exact same time directly across the hall.

One of the drawbacks of working at a theater – aside from cleaning up after pigs – is that someone is bound to discuss the movie within earshot of you before you get a chance to see it yourself. With The Bucket List, I made a point of avoiding anyone who hinted at what happened in this movie. It was bad enough to learn that Will Smith’s beautiful German Shepherd dies in “I Am Legend”, or that the last two minutes of “No Country For Old Men” leaves people scratching their heads and wondering what the movie was about. When I saw that Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson were starring in this movie, I knew it was bound to be good. Certainly the movie doesn’t dwell on the morbid effects of cancer. I can see that every day in my own home as my daughter battles cancer. What I wanted, and what I got, was to see someone face mortality with courage and even humor. If critics find this movie unrealistic, too bad. Reality is what we make it.

We live, we die, and the wheels on the trash cart go round and round.

SNEAK PREVIEW - FIRST SUNDAY - 5 Tubs (Predicted)

2008-01-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

I knew I was in for a rough evening when I saw the radio station van parked out in front of the theater Wednesday night. We were showing a sneak preview to First Sunday, a comedy about robbing a church - not that robbing God is something new (we do it every Sunday when the offering plate is passed and we have decided we need the money more than He does), but some folks just think it's funny.

The line began about 5:30 in the afternoon; the movie didn't start until 7:30. By 6 PM the lobby was full of people trying to exchange their invites for tickets. We had to usher them outside and along the walk way to make room for the paying customers. The studio sponsoring the sneak preview wasn't very organized and seemed more concerned with security than with seating the viewers they'd begged to show up.

The second indication that all would not go smoothly last night were the abundance of MacDonald's bags and sodas carried in one arm while the other was occupied by an infant or a squirming toddler. We had nothing to do with the premier as the studio had paid for the space, but I knew there would be a mess to clean up besides popcorn, sodas, and spilled courtesy cups of butter and salt.

Then 'She' walked in. The meanest looking black woman I've ever seen. She was short, average build, wearing a blue jeans jacket, a scowl on her face, and toting an empty popcorn tub. This woman has never cracked a smile in her entire life. She looked like a hardened criminal (probably was). Ignoring the line of other impatient black attendees, She strode straight to the concession stand and shoved her popcorn tub, bent and battered from countless previous visits, at the concessionaire, who obediently filled the bucket and set it down gently before the woman.

You need to understand something about that "Free Refills" policy on large popcorn and sodas. They don't entitle you to unlimited free refills, or unlimited free refills on the date of purchase. The free refill means you get one free refill if you gorge yourself on the first two gallons of popcorn. What we're supposed to do, but apparently no one had the courage to do so far, was to mark the bottom of the tub with an "X" so that the next time that bucket is presented we know they've already had their one-time refill. You would think the criminal would have been satisfied to take advantage once again, but believe it or not, before the movie started, before she even got inside to get a seat, the bucket was empty and she got out of line and marched right back to the concession stand where they meekly refilled the bucket again. Seems she was sharing her popcorn while standing in line, although one look at that convicted murderer's face should have frightened away the most determined moocher. She returned once more as she exited the movie, still toting that beaten and dirty popcorn bucket.

Perhaps that's why I was in no mood when six hoodlums stalked right past me later in the night and started ordering concessions. I went over and asked for their tickets and each pointed at the other. Finally, the biggest one, 6'5" of slick con man said, "We gave them to the concessionist." "Where's your stubs?" I asked. "Man! You saw us walk in here. Why you hasslin us?" "Because I'm not about to let you stay here and lose my job." I retorted. "I told you we gave ya'll tikkits." Giantman said. "And I'm telling you that we will not start the projector in that auditorium until the cops get here to escort you off the property." I told him. (We couldn't have held up a movie if tickets were sold but he didn't know this.) He went over to where the others were sitting on the bench munching on popcorn paid for with money they'd probably stolen on the way to the theater, and told them what I said. They stared at me, but I didn't care. They were bullies and con artists and they thought I was stupid or afraid, but I didn't act the way they thought so they left. I did check the parking lot before walking to my car, you never know with thugs.

But back to the movie, "First Sunday"..... there were over 100 people who had invites that could not get a seat, but do you think the studio would have gone out and told them they were running out? Nope. They just let them stand for an hour in line expecting to get in. When the first who would be turned away started complaining, the studio realized they had better do something if they wanted to escape with their lives so they offered a free pass to a future movie to all who would stay and sign up for them. There were some pissed off people leaving that theater, and some of them stopped by the radio station van to complain - even though the invite clearly read, "Seating capacity limited. Arrive early to receive your ticket. Invitations exceed available seats." Few of the movie goers read that disclaimer and I was unfortunate enough to be at the front door where they were being turned away.

Because the theater was sold out, most of the movie goers gave up on concessions in order to protect their seat. Maybe 50 people came out of the theater to buy snacks. Jesus must have been present however, as when I went to check the theater after everyone had left, I found both trash containers overflowing and popcorn bags and drinks in almost every seat. Someone had multiplied the junk food and fed the famished movie goers while they watched God get ripped off and laughed about it. It may have been that 'White Jesus" who's picture hung on the church office wall and frightened one of the thieves. If Jesus was in there, He must have exited the back way because I didn't see Him enter or leave.

I'm taking my camera to work with me Saturday night so I can post some pictures for you of how human pigs leave theaters for poor, honest, hard-working ushers like me to clean. I predict that First Sunday will be a 5-Tub mess. That's as high as I can go. Pray for me when I have to go into the lion's den this weekend and clean this sewer.

No Country For Old Men - 3 Tubs

2008-01-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

This movie will no doubt be nominated for an Oscar this year. It hasn't had a lot of competition, and IMHO doesn't deserve to have to share the spotlight with the depressingly dark Sweeney Todd or the sarcastic (unlike myself) spoof on teen pregnancy, Juno or that other film about promiscious sex - Knocked Up. No Country is violent - not in the sick way Sin City was violent, but in a way that says that evil is always present, and you can't escape evil. Even in a dark theater auditorium where mindless slugs aim fists at mouth and scatter popcorn and Raisinettes and Sour Patch gummy candies in random patterns, with no thought to innocent ushers who wander into the crime scene with aching feet and red palms from tiny red-painted brooms made in China.

Perhaps it's the way that evil touches everyone that the audience is compelled to break all of the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance. Many disgruntled movie-goers leave the theater scratching their heads and wondering what the last two minutes of the movie was about. They forget their trash, their cell phones, car keys, umbrellas, and one person forgot their socks. Don't know why someone would take off their shoes and socks in the theater - it's not like we mop the floor, except to spread the sticky spilled sodas. So you see, even ushers are prone to acts of thoughtlessness or concern over the safety for the next audience we know is coming just to make our jobs that much harder.

Mark my words, some day an usher is going to lose it. He's going to become another Anton Chigurh (the man with the deadly air compressor and never quit attitude). This usher is going to track messy patrons to their cars, their homes and their hotel rooms to exact evil justice for breaking the rules of theater attendance. He will fear no authority, not even that of the General Manager. He will come after your parents for failing to teach you to clean up after yourself. You won't be able to elude him because he will track you from the dirty auditorium to your dirty car to your filthy house and your messy desk at work. When he finds you, don't expect mercy. Your only chance lies in the flip of a coin. You can try to be positive and choose 'heads' but don't be surprised if he keeps flipping til it comes up 'tails'.

There's no one to blame but yourself. You chose the theater, the movie, the seat under which you left your trash. The carnage that results from your lack of respect for this paragon of justice lies on your head. Me? - I'm like Tommy Lee Jones - I'm just an observer in this drama, remembering back to the old days when there was only one size popcorn and one size of soda, and hearing from my dad how, during the Great Depression, there wasn't money for junk food and all an usher had to do was to find patrons a seat in the theater so they could escape from reality for a couple of hours.

"The wind blows to the south and goes around to the north; around and around goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they flow again. All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun."—Ecclesisastes 1:6-9

Writer's Block

2008-01-05T09:41:00.000-05:00

Before the screen writers decided to go on strike, they had run out of ideas. Maybe I've seen too many Oliver Stone fantasies; but I believe the strike was just an excuse to give them time to come up with some new ideas. I mean, come on - another Rambo movie? Even I Am Legend is a rip-off of the Last Man on Earth. Alvin and the Chipmunks were singing when I was a child and they haven't improved with decades of practice. Water Horse is Free Willy, as Alien vs Predator is Alien vs Predator and Final Destination Three is the same as Final Destination 1 and 2. Six Rocky movies (although the first and last are actually good), three Pirates of the Caribbean, two (so far) National Treasures.....

As a result of the strike (and writers' block), new movie releases and TV series are being pushed back to allow time to write, produce, film, release and market new stuff. Things are so bad that one guy wants to bring back an updated version of "Green Acres". I never liked Mr. Haney - he reminded me of one of those televangelists predicting Armageddon and asking for money so he can reach heathens so that God can have more notches on His sword than Lucifer does.

A coworker who works with independent films suggested to me that I ought to write a screenplay for my novel-to-be-before-I-die "SeaTree". The problem is, I've already thought of a sequel and prequel for something I haven't written yet. It's there - in my mind, and about 50 pages on a CD rom somewhere on my desk. It might not be a bad idea to try a screenplay since I tend to provide too much detail. SeaTree could very well be one of those 500-600 page epic adventures rivaling the Chronicles of Narnia series. Or maybe not....very unlikely.

How does one convert from page to big screen this idea of a supernatural/romance/adventure dream that lasted probably three minutes one night? Unlike most dreams, this one has never diminished. It's as clear in my mind today as it was in 2001 when I had the dream. That alone tells me it's from God - yes, I know God despite what you read on this blog. I'm just a believer who's feet of clay extends past my belly button.

I hesitate to provide any insight into SeaTree here where everybody can read it, especially brain-locked screen writers. Someone must have peeked into my mind and came up with the idea for the "Heroes" television series and the new movie "Jumper". I might need to consult an attorney to protect SeaTree with an intellectual copywrite. See how desperate we've become to find a good story?

Maybe in my free time between working 9-10 days at the office and 5-6 hours at night at the theater and running my daughters to the hospital, sleep-overs, and the shopping mall I can post a few ideas so you'll have something to look forward to when SeaTree hits the big screen and I will no longer have to pick up behind pigs.

The Water Horse - 3 Buckets

2008-01-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's me, but I wonder about things - like how does a water horse go from an egg to the size of a dinosaur in a couple of weeks and not die within a month? I mean, if I were born on Christmas Eve and here it is the first week of January and I'm already a young adult, wouldn't I be a senior citizen by the end of the month and returned to dust by mid-February? You would think that a screenwriter would be able to come up with a better way of bonding a little boy with a giant dinofish (that's a new word I've created. It's trademarked, so don't use it).

Aside from that, Water Horse is a genteel version of Free Willy incarnated as a Loch Ness monster. It's a family movie, which means parents will buy a lot of those overpriced kid's packs, which the kid will promptly spill as soon as they reach out to lower their seat. Most often, I find the greasy trays behind the seats because a kid can't get out of their seats without first putting their trays in the seat next to them. As soon as they take their hands off the tray, it falls in the crack between the seat and the chair back.

Did you know that parents are trying to drown their kids in popcorn butter? It's true. In a one-inch deep plastic tray that contains only about two handfuls of popcorn to start with, I'm finding a half inch of butter - enough to clog the arteries of the entire family.

Film makers know this is going on, yet they continue to turn out these killer kid's movies and family films. Theater management knows this is happening, but do they come up with a healthier (and less messy) alternative? Nope. Popcorn is cheap - even if people in Mexico can't get enough corn to make their tacos. You would think that Congress would pass legislation requiring theaters to offer low-fat alternatives, just as they've done in school lunch programs. What's wrong with a bag of apple slices or a box of raisins - aside from the fact they're no fun to eat? Where are those pills they used to tell us about that replace an entire meal? Theaters could install aroma canisters that would release the scents of hot, buttered popcorn and chocolate. When I was growing up we could buy these straws that, when dipped in milk, produced flavors ranging from chocolate milk to strawberry or banana. Why not have straws that produce the flavor of Coke, Hi-C, and Sprite? With a little imagination we could save a lot of money and mess if we just sold tablets, scents, and flavored straws.

The Water Horse is a cute movie - if only it didn't attract kids, things would be so much easier.

One Missed Call - Two Buckets

2008-01-05T08:11:00.000-05:00

What would it be like to learn how and when you're going to die? Beats me. I didn't watch the movie. And neither has most movie goers. It seems that the majority of viewers who watch this movie bought the ticket because the wait time for this movie's start was less than the more popular I Am Legend, The Great Debaters or National Treasure. As such, the auditorium was easy to clean after the handful of people left. I've given it the second highest rating based on how the audience left the theater, not on the quality of the film. The only reason it got two buckets is because some jerk left his spit cup in the drink holder. Why not just take a crap in the center aisle while you're at it!

Perhaps it's the cold weather combined with One Missed Call being the only new release (at my theater) this week. I'm certain that will change next week when Bucket List, First Sunday and a couple other new releases hit the theater. I'm so thrilled that First Sunday is coming to my theater (not!) ( - as Borat would say). My feet were killing me last night, the dumpsters were overflowing again, and the GM told us that a new Tyler Perry film was coming next month - Meet the Browns. I love Tyler Perry - it's his fans I have problems with.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah - One Missed Call - it won't matter in the scheme of eternity if this is one movie you decide to skip. Thank you for removing your trash, and if you use tobacco, please swallow.

The Trash Dumpster - A Portal To Hell

2008-01-01T15:51:00.000-05:00

The waste management specialists (trash collectors) empty our four dumpsters three times a week. In spite of this, we’re often forced to stack bags of trash along the sides and behind the dumpsters because moviegoers create more trash than four dumpsters can handle. Multiply these twelve overflowing containers per week times 52 weeks, and our one theater is dumping over a million pounds of popcorn, soda, and paper into the local landfill every year. There are probably a dozen other theaters in the area doing the same thing. No wonder the dump has a flock of sea gulls hovering over it all the time – although I understand that the oil we cook the popcorn in is toxic to birds.

Ushers use two large wheeled containers, called banana boats, to remove trash from the theater between each showing. The trash bags leak like a sieve. I’m going to try to remember to look at the manufacturer and post it here so you won’t waste your money on their defective products – just another invaluable service provided you by the Dirty Movie Critic.

The dumpster doors are at chest height, thus when you lift a bag of trash (sometimes it takes two ushers if the bag contains a lot of soda cups), the bottom of the bag aims a stream of soda directly at the bottom button on our polo shirt, so thoughtfully provided by theater management. We ought to be issued HAZMAT suits and face shields. As bad as loading the dumpsters is, cleaning up the mess left by the dump trucks is a task those who work the day shift really hate. We have no shovels, only a tiny broom and a cheap plastic dustpan to scoop up the refuse that falls over the sides of the truck. Yesterday there was a huge pile of unpopped corn kernels in front of the dumpster. Since they’re cooked in oil, stepping over the slippery mess was like trying to walk on marbles. But that was only the beginning. The driver doesn’t always put the bins back in the exact same spot, and underneath these dumpsters reside a writhing mass of maggots, cockroaches, and fire ants. The stench is awful, because like our trash containers inside the theater, these bins are never washed out (we’re considering renegotiating our contract with our janitorial service because the theater is beginning to smell like the dumpsters.) The theater does not provide water hoses so that the ushers can clean them either.

In warmer weather, ushers must carefully approach the dumpsters so that we don’t upset the bees and wasps swarming around the sweet, buttery slop inside. Opening a dumpster door is a scary thing because you never know what will fly out and sting you in the face. Any sudden movement, such as swinging a heavy trash bag up and into the dumpster is bound to piss off any insects caught underneath. They talk to one another before suffocating beneath the stinking trash and the next time the usher comes out with a load of trash, a swarm of angry bees dive-bombs the unsuspecting, helpless, underpaid human, exacting revenge for the accidental slaying of their relatives. After a couple such attacks, most ushers refuse to bring the trash any closer than the walls around the dumpster; and feral cats, opossums, and raccoons tear into the cheap bags and leave an even bigger mess until management succumbs to pressure and purchases insect foggers that work just long enough to get most of the mess cleaned up.

On any given summer night, one can follow a trail of ants along the walls of the theater, out the side entrance and along the curb to discover a family reunion numbering in the millions around the dumpsters. Ushers have petitioned management to smuggle into the country several hundred anteaters. We could chain one in each trash bin in each auditorium, another in the syrup room, another in the supply room where the chocolate candy is kept, and a dozen or so around the dumpster. Then we’d keep a couple dozen in reserve when those on the front line are overcome or have eaten so much they can’t scarf down another ant. With a careful rotation schedule and some R&R watching movies like Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Water Horse, we ought to be able to control our pest problem until cold weather arrives to help out.

One other thing about the dumpster. There is a ramp next to the dumpster, down which we roll our large containers of trash. It’s also a parking space, but I would advise you not to use it, as sometimes our carts are so heavy they slam into the vehicle blocking our exit. There’s also a chance that your vehicle will roll through the slime left by countless cart loads of trash and it will attract some of our insect friends to explore your vehicle. Don’t park in our exit ramp, or we’re not responsible for any damages should you ignore this warning!

I Am Legend - 5 Tubs

2008-01-01T15:50:00.000-05:00

I love the concept of being the last guy on earth – or at least in town; though I would have chosen to move south to Atlanta or Miami where it doesn’t get so cold. It would be neat to be able to drive off the lot in a beefed up Mustang and not have to sign my life away. Personally, if I had a couple million dark-seekers after my blood, I’d drive a tank. And what’s up with only canines and humans being infected with the virus? How come the monkeys didn’t get it? Hollywood just proved how far off Charles Darwin really was on his theory of evolution and our ascent from apes.

Saying that, this movie is a bitch to clean up. Lots of people came to see this movie and lots of people left their trash in their seats. After the 7 PM showing Saturday night, it took three ushers and two managers fifteen minutes to pick up the biggest trash and haul out four forty-five gallon leaking plastic bags of trash. I hate it when I break a sweat cleaning a movie, because combined with my sweat and all that butter and soda that gets spilled on my clothes when I have to toss those heavy bags into the over-flowing dumpster, I stink. Every night I have to wash the one shirt the theater provides me. The butter stains won’t come out! UV rays may be toxic to the dark-seekers, but so is fermented soft drink syrup and popcorn butter to theater ushers. The employment span of a theater usher is only slightly longer than a door gunner during the VietNam war.

The Golden Compass - 3 Tubs

2008-01-01T15:43:00.000-05:00

A disappointing alternative to the Narnia series, especially with actors like Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, and Sam Elliott. Perhaps it’s because this movie attracts more adults than kids, that it is only moderately filthy when moviegoers depart. Unfortunately, it’s one of those that a handful of viewers stay until the very last credit is played, thus holding up the ushers from cleaning the other movies that get out at the same time as this one.

We were told that someone bought a protest permit during the opening weekend, but we never saw the protestor. I don’t know if it was an over zealous Christian objecting to the author’s atheistic hatred of the Catholic Church, or whether it was a fan of the author upset that Hollywood removed most of the anti-religion from the movie (just as they did from Narnia). Hollywood cannot afford to continue making those politically correct and left-leaning movies and make a profit, so they must sometimes compromise; in this case the movie attracted neither liberal or conservative, just a bunch of fence-sitters who were disappointed we didn’t have another Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings blockbuster at Christmas. Overall, it’s been a disappointing year for us movie lovers. Golden Compass is just another lukewarm attempt to siphon dollars from a shrinking middle class audience.

Aliens vs Predators: Requiem - 2 Tubs

2008-01-01T15:41:00.000-05:00

I suppose if more people were coming to see this movie that it would earn up to four tubs; but the truth is that it’s no better than the first meeting of these two villains. Even though it’s a movie that attracts mostly guys, it must attract guys who only have enough money for the price of admission and an occasional beer they snuck in – which is easier to do during the winter than summer. I sat and watched the first half hour of this movie while on break and pulled for the Predator, who despite his dreadlocks, at least has the appearance of a warrior – the Alien on the other hand looks like a cross between an otter and a dragon. I have no idea how it turns out. I would neither use a free pass nor purchase the DVD when it comes out based on what I saw in the first half hour. The movie is filmed mostly in the dark so we won’t notice how lame the special effects are. Fortunately, viewers have no interest in the credits and the ushers are able to clean this auditorium before the stupid songs from L.A.’s top 100 unsigned artists blasts at us through the speakers and we can’t hear ourselves complaining about the mess we’re having to clean.

The Great Debaters - 4 Tubs

2008-01-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

I wish that Denzel could write a speech that would motivate his fans to dispose of their trash after the movie is over. On one side, there is an argument that paying sixty bucks for four people to see this movie justifies leaving your mess behind you. It’s part of the price of admission. On the other side, the hero – Denzel, in this case since kids who’ve never been taught to clean up after themselves can’t speak from experience – argues that the poor usher has to slave almost a week to earn what that family of four just threw down for entertainment. Where is the pride from taking responsibility and doing the right thing? How much of a sacrifice is it to bend down and pick up that three quarters full tub of popcorn you didn’t eat, that brown paper bag with an empty tall boy inside, and that plastic Target bag you used to smuggle in candy that sold for less than half of what the theater charges, and toting that burden just a few steps further – to the trash receptacle which is on your journey out of the theater anyway? Personal responsibility might not eradicate all the evil in this world, but it would help create more jobs, reduce pollution and save the world from global warming – a small price for those with the courage to stand up against the injustice of filth.

On opening day, this movie sold more tickets than any other movie besides National Treasure; and it took just about as long to clean. The list of contraband is endless in this movie – beer cans, chicken bones (I’m not exaggerating here), more vodka bottles, dirty socks - not sure what that’s about, and one of those French caps (probably belonging to an accomplice from the National Treasure movie). Unfortunately, lost coins are about as rare in this film as dollars are in my bank account.

Charlie Wilson's War - 3 Tubs

2008-01-01T15:33:00.000-05:00

From what I’ve gathered from people who have seen this movie (it’s on my list on one of my nights off) – this is a powerful film, even if attendance hasn’t been that great. “August Rush” was another sleeper that people overlooked but will probably earn an Oscar nomination.

This movie allows Tom Hanks to return to his roots of comedy in a few scenes in this movie, while at the same time tackling serious issues which lead up to empowering the same terrorists we're fighting today. It's a good change from his flop in DaVinci Code. Julia Roberts, once able to dazzle me with that huge smile in ‘Pretty Woman’ is starting to show her age a bit. ‘Charlie Wilson’s War could be perceived as one of those ‘political movies’ that usually ends up flopping at the box office, but I think it’s more substantive than those films and worth viewing.

Cleaning this theater is a crapshoot: one time it’s a mess; the next time you can’t tell anyone consumed anything. I did find two small airline bottles of vodka the other night. And sixty cents. Not enough to buy a tank or a jet airplane, but it’s going in my lottery fund instead of fund future terrorists.

Sweeney Todd - 2 Tubs

2008-01-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

I suppose this depressing piece of crap movie earned it’s superior rating simply because watching Johnny Depp slicing throats with a straight razor causes people to lose their appetites. Or perhaps it’s the poor quality of the singing from all the actors; or perhaps it’s the sort of depressing movie that should never be released at Christmas time: but hey, since when did Tim Burton or Hollywood for that matter ever act responsibly? No doubt some people come to see this movie simply because it stars Johnny Depp. Both women and men are attracted to his feminine features, regardless of whether he's a pirate, a Frankenstein clone with hedge clippers for hands, or a barber with hair like the Bride of Frankenstein.

The audience is like Ivory soap – 99% pure white. I saw several senior citizens, no doubt dragged along by their paranoid-schizophrenic grandchildren, leave the theater with ashen faces – disturbed by both the movie and with trying to understand why their kin wanted to see it in the first place. I’ll bet they revised their wills the next day lest these precious grandchildren consider whacking them for some unknown reason.

People leaving the theater are quiet; many sit and watch all the stupid credits to see what demented people turned out this story of a barber bent on revenge for something I never found out because I wouldn’t go see this movie on a free pass. But hey, if you're into bad music and depressing stories without happy endings - you might like Sweeney Todd. However, I’ve got better things to do with my free time – like sleep. At least it offers ushers a chance to catch their breath before tackling the trash left in the larger auditoriums.

P.S. I Love You - 1 Tub

2008-01-01T15:03:00.000-05:00

Finally, a movie where my face is moist from tears instead of sweat. P.S. I Love You is one of those chick-flicks (I like ‘em) that attract mostly women (some quite attractive). Attractive women don’t eat a lot of popcorn, and if they get a drink, it’s Dasani water with a cap they know how to screw on when they’re not drinking. As a result, cleaning up after this film is a breeze – even when it sells out as it did both evening shows this past Saturday. This is a film that I enjoy lingering in while making theater checks – it’s funny, romantic (like me), actually has a plot, and most importantly, easy to clean. Hilary Swank is beautiful with longer hair and less muscular than she appeared in ‘Million Dollar Baby’. I didn’t pay attention to the guys starring in this movie. Even the couple of guys who were drug along by their girlfriends (husbands wouldn’t do it for their wives) came out with smiles on their faces. I’m sure they picked up some tips about how to make their girlfriends happy, as long as it’s just short of dying.

As my friend Ahkmed, who runs the Marble Slab at Northgate Mall, told my daughter this past weekend, "Look for the positive in even the most negative circumstances." Good advice, when it comes to choosing to live in the past or choosing to have hope in the future. P.S. I Love You is about another chance: another chance to love again, another chance to be happy, and another chance to go back and pick up that trash you left under your theater seat before I get there and call down curses on you and your children and their's. Just do it. You'll feel better if you do (and guilty if you don't).

On the negative side, films that don’t sell concessions tend to not remain long in theaters. It’s all about the money. So see it now or you’ll be waiting for the DVD. ‘P.S. I Love You’ gets the highest rating: One tub!

The Lobby - An Usher's Nightmare

2008-01-01T15:02:00.000-05:00

Theater auditoriums and bathrooms aren’t the only opportunities to wreak havoc for moviegoers. Just beyond the concession stand lays a wide expanse so orderly it makes your teeth ache. No Zen garden this, nor tranquil meditation spot with artfully trained bonsai trees and sand raked in perfectly straight lines. Americans, and our illegal alien population, are incapable of leaving this pristine environment for others to enjoy, so they spread popped corn seed haphazardly across this landscape. Other moviegoers, more intent on getting a good seat, trample said seed underfoot until it is as flat as paper and as light as a feather – and difficult to sweep off our purple and green carpets.

There are some upscale theaters, like the one at which I am employed, that offers patrons the opportunity to soak their popcorn with as much butter and salt as they want at a separate counter. Usually this area is ankle deep in popcorn as gluttons shake their bags vigorously to settle the salt – which doesn’t work as popcorn salt is so fine it sticks to whatever it touches first. Man, being an ‘intelligent’ species, has learned that most theaters offer small courtesy cups for water from the fountain just outside the restrooms. These cups have been determined to function as receptacles for popcorn butter and salt. As a result, I often encounter stacks of these courtesy cups under the seats, usually after almost busting my backside while slipping on butter spilled onto the floor rather than on popcorn.

The other night, while waiting to sweep up the popcorn behind the butter stand, a group of three chunky teenage girls and a tall, longhaired truck driver type I assume was their dad bellied up to the station. I could tell by looking at them that they weren’t from around here, probably from Granville or Vance counties from their redneck ensembles. Each girl carried a tub of popcorn – which probably explains why their bellies were larger than their boobs. They pushed and shoved each other to soak their popcorn in our fake butter (I’m not sure but I think it’s Crisco oil with a yellow food coloring added and some kind of coagulant to give it the appearance of melted butter – don’t hold me to that but given the fact that everything else we use in the theater is the cheapest stuff available, I seriously doubt that our butter ever came from the udders of a cow.)

Anyway, these girls giggled and shoved and managed to spill enough butter on the floor to turn it into an NHL hockey rink. Then they pushed over to the four ‘seasoned’ salt containers and each grabbed a courtesy cup, which they proceeded to fill with a mixture of all the flavored salts. Normally a dash of this salt is enough to cause a coronary, but these girls used enough to embalm themselves. Next, they reached up to grab napkins, not one or two, but twenty or thirty napkins each. I suspected from their less than affluent attire that they might use these in place of sanitary napkins back in Vance County. Then their father comes up with four large drinks and he starts grabbing himself twenty or thirty napkins himself and I wondered if the Henderson Wal-Mart was out of cheap toilet paper. Not having been there for the ten minutes the girls fought over butter and salt, he told them to grab extras of each, which they did by starting all over again filling courtesy cups with the remaining salt and probably sucking the butter machine dry.

In all, it took the four of them close to fifteen minutes to prepare their feast before entering the sanctums of “Alvin and the Chipmunks”. I watched them to see where they were going because I knew I’d need a mop to clean up all the butter they were bound to spill on the floor. Sure enough, once the movie was over, I found four seats on the left side of the theater covered in spilled popcorn, spilled sodas, spilled butter, and it was all frosted in popcorn salt. Of course they didn’t take their trash with them – they had just paid $6.50 each for their matinee tickets, another $50 bucks for the concessions – probably the dad’s entire government subsidy check for the month – why shouldn’t they expect us overpaid ushers earning $6.50 an hour to bus behind them?

It took seven minutes to clean that one row of four seats. I felt sorry for the next patrons who had to sit there because we only had time to mop up the liquid, but not time to rinse so that the floor wouldn’t be so sticky it would suck the soles off their shoes when they got up to leave. I felt sorry for myself too, because my mother taught me at a young age how to clean behind myself; and this poor, underprivileged, white trash, broken family were obviously denied such an upbringing. Yet, here I was, cleaning up after pigs that could care less about respect for themselves or for those of us who work two jobs so we can dream about living the American Dream.

If I can hang in there long enough, I’ll make general manager of this theater, and the first thing I’m going to do is to put the butter back behind the concession stand, and get rid of the courtesy cups. The next time you’re in the theater, with your arms loaded in $25 worth of junk food, a cell phone nuzzled between your ear and your shoulder as you hunt through your pockets for the ticket stub to see which auditorium your movie is in, look back and see if you’ve left a trail of popcorn in your wake. If so, stop immediately, gently place everything in a safe place against the wall where other cattle won’t kick them over, and get down on your hands and knees and suck up every last kernel from that smelly carpet so that I can concentrate on cleaning the auditoriums and bathrooms. Thank you for your patronage, enjoy the movie, and please come back soon!

National Treasure - 5 Tubs

2008-01-01T14:58:00.000-05:00

Clues to the lost treasure and a global conspiracy were first spotted outside Auditorium 1 where a pile of spilled popcorn led me to believe the perpetrator walked with a limp, possibly from jumping from some height while trying to escape authorities. The trail led beyond the door, up the ramp, only to be lost among a veritable sea of popcorn, sodas, candy wrappers and courtesy cups. I searched from one end of the auditorium to the other, discovering a French Connection in the form of a Bojangles French fry bag, it’s greasy contents scattered beneath a seat, which upon raising I found a wad of chewing gum wrapped in some sort of parchment, which when lit by my UV flashlight revealed a secret code that I'm going to work on the first day I have off from work.

Alas, the sheer destruction resulting from a ‘family film’ made it impossible to locate the guilty culprit. I must admit that I entertained the idea of assassinating those who had left yet another mess on the heels of Alvin & The Chipmunks which had released at the same time from Auditorium 6. There were several items of contraband, in addition to the French fries – a large bottle of hot sauce and the empty popcorn tub drenched in a greasy orange slime; two rows down, my broom pushed an empty fifth of vodka – supposedly the drink of choice among alcoholic movie fans. Under the front row seats were plastic food trays from a nearby French restaurant. I became more convinced that the person(s) I sought were European, or possibly Russian, or Spanish, or from UNC Chapel Hill.

I did find a treasure of sorts: three quarters, four dimes, four pennies, and two nickels – enough to buy a quart of gas so I could get home and rest my aching feet. I’ll continue to search for my treasure in the darkest recesses of theater auditoriums. This is money that I use to buy lottery tickets from the nearby convenience store. Someday I’ll be able to quit cleaning up behind pigs and produce my own movie about how a middle aged man working two jobs finds love over the Internet, they meet and enjoy PG-rated sex, get married (in that order), and raise a bunch of kids and teach them how to pick up after themselves, be responsible, and vote conservative. Kevin Costner will win an Oscar for best actor for his role in my film. It will be a blockbuster – and there will be a vignette at the end where Morgan Freeman, staring in his familiar role as God, tells the viewers to take their damn trash with them when they exit the theater. In the meantime, I've got to figure out how to remove that gum from inside my pants pocket without tearing the parchment in which it was hidden.

Walk Hard - 2 Tubs

2007-12-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

Walk Hard is one of the funniest movies I've seen recently - and it's relatively clean! Except for that scene in the middle of the movie...you know the one I'm talking about. Every parent should take their teenage daughter to see this movie, as I did. Hopefully they will have the same reaction to the flacid penis on the big screen that my daughter did. She turned her face and covered her eyes and exclaimed, "Gross! I don't ever want to see another one of those for the rest of my life!" Yes! as a dad, I'm estatic that my teenage daughter no longer has any interest in the male anatomy. Perhaps if more fathers were as responsible as I am, there would be fewer teen pregnancies.

Personally, I don't need to see another flacid penis the rest of my life either, unless it's mine.

Perhaps it's that one scene that causes movie goers to lose their appetites and thus there's less of a mess when it's time to clean up after the show. Or it could be that it's so funny that people forget to eat their popcorn. Either way, Walk Hard is a winner!

Alvin and the Chipmunks - 5 Tubs

2007-12-29T11:12:00.001-05:00

This movie justifies the use of birth control during sexual intercourse. I didn't like these stupid chipmunks forty years ago, and they haven't aged or gotten better with time. Yet it's not only kids who are coming to see this movie. Adults show up for the midnight showing! (The only reason management offers a midnight showing of a kids movie is because they hope you don't show up and they can get home before 3 AM.)

Back to the birth control. The Greatest Generation (according to Tom Brokow) has failed our country immensely. They have raised a generation of adults who never learned how to clean up after themselves. As a result, the current generation is unable to teach their kids and grandkids how to not spill popcorn and sodas while they enjoy this stupid movie.

When we (ushers) enter the auditorium after the last credit-watching slug has exited the theater, it looks like there was a food fight everywhere! There's popcorn soaked in Hawaiian Punch in every aisle. Seat cushions are brown from where someone sat on Chocolate Covered Raisins and they melted between the patron's legs. There's more salt on the seats and more butter on the floor than on the popcorn.

Sure, those over-priced kid's packs are neat, but they are very poorly designed. The liner is only an inch deep and about six inches long - holding about a penny's worth of popcorn which invariably spills because the concessionaires overfill the tray due to guilt over what the theater charges for the kid's pack. Meanwhile, the parents buy the biggest tub, which they'll place in an empty seat while they help their offspring into the booster seats the theater provides the brats. As soon as the seat folds back up, the tub turns over and all that popcorn ends up on the floor - except for the top part that some kids will scoop up in the middle of the movie because they're bored.

Alvin and the Chipmunks earns the worst rating - 5 tubs. The only movies recently that exceeded the filth of this movie have been those by and for the black audience like "This Christmas". Hey, I'm not prejudiced (although I'm finding good cause as far as movie goers is concerned), that's just a fact according to my own personal experience in the theater business in this part of the country. According to friends at other theaters, they experience the same high degree of trash in this gendre of movies as I do here, so there is supporting evidence that certain ethnic groups are less inclined to take responsibility than others. Don't be a hater.